Perceptions...

 I feel the need to bust myself and my sometimes judgy assumptions. As I waited for the small plane to take me from Minneapolis to Grand Forks, ND to meet my friend for the hour drive to his sister's place, I couldn't help but notice a woman, laughing and talking very loudly to anyone within earshot. Kind of like when there are crying babies in the waiting area, I thought, "Please don't let me be seated next to her." 

Of course, I was, and within minutes, she told me her name, that she's high-functioning Down's Syndrome, that she travels independently and was on her way to spend a month with a favorite aunt. We had a delightful visit, talking about her professed obsession with Elvis, her family, and her plans for participating in a fashion show while at her aunt's. And so, one more time, my perception and initial impression were way off. A good reminder to check myself when my inner critic starts her rant.

On our drive west, we found a small meeting in Utah, chaired by a fellow with 3 or 4 years, 1 other guy, and a treatment center van of about 15 women. My friend was able to take his 40-year coin, longer sober than many of these women had been alive. It was enlightening, and always a good reminder, to hear nearly half of the women who shared talk about having some years in recovery, then either "forgetting" they're alcoholic, or simply deciding to stop treating the disease (stop meetings, no sponsor, etc) and, lo and behold, drinking and drugging again and back in treatment. Heartbreaking, the stubbornness of we drunks, especially those who talked about their small children. Chronic, progressive, debilitating. I'm convinced that the brain gets damaged with continued substance use, affecting the ability to make healthy decisions. Yes, people do get lasting sobriety after 5, 10 or 15 tries, but from the outside, it sure looks like it gets harder and harder to come back. 

It was great spending time with my friend, though I only drove a few of our many hours on the road. We stopped at a couple of sites (the Badlands, Mt Rushmore), listened to 3 speaker CD's, ate Subway sandwiches at truck stops and drank Starbucks when we found them. I'd never been to that part of the country, amazed by the geographical journey through amber waves of grain, canyons, passing oil derricks, and through tiny towns. We had a counselor in treatment all those years ago who'd say, "You can do anything you want to do as long as you don't drink or use." For me, travel is part of that "anything," seeing places I've only read about, experiencing different cultures, even if just in passing (and believe me, life on the road in the heartland is a different culture than where I live). 

I drove a new-to-me cancer patient to his appointment this week - a jovial, older guy who insisted on sitting up front with me so we could be friends, wearing a button that said, "Fuck Cancer" - in other words, my kind of guy. A nurse friend once told me that she and her peers liked working oncology because those folks nearly always have a positive attitude. 

What is it about staring death in the face that often brings out the best in people? I see it in the rooms with the laughter and camaraderie, like the survivors of  sinking ship the Big Book talks about. We've been to the gates of hell and had the grace and the strength to claw our way back. Sure, it's not always unicorns and rainbows, but here we are, sober a long, long time, living life on life's terms.  As I say, "grateful" is too small a word.  

The world feels extra crazy right now, with cries for peace bumping up against calls for revenge. I try to walk the fine line between being informed and engaged, and not losing my serenity in the fray. What I do is stick with my morning routine of daily readers and journal, walking outdoors, contact with friends, being of service where I can, avoiding large crowds, and  meditating on peace, for myself, my country and our planet. One day at a time is all I can reasonably do.

What do you do when you catch yourself in judgement of yourself or others? Are you able to hold compassion for the chronic relapser? How can you be of service, while also taking care of yourself? Where do you find peace of mind when the "news" of the day is heartbreaking and/or infuriating?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area

Settled-ness

 This past week I drove with my dear friend from Minnesota to Las Vegas as he contemplates next steps after an early out from his job in DC. Part of the journey was spending the night at his sister's place, who I haven't seen in person for many years. I always want to thank her for my sobriety. If she hadn't gotten sober and moved to Portland, then my friend likely wouldn't have moved to Portland and gotten sober when he did and ended up in the treatment program I went to in January 1986. Who knows if I'd have stayed sober without his positive influence. Maybe, but it's been a lot more fun together.

I love stepping back just a bit to look at random connections, all the way back to Bill and Bob. There was the conversation I struck up with a fellow in Vancouver, BC in July, who turned out to be a classmate of my brother's, the woman from a class at the gym who is pals with a program friend, being introduced to someone who turned out to be a work mentor by my then supervisor who knew she was terminally ill. One day at a time, one connection at a time

Speaking of, I attended my original homegroup a couple of weeks ago, having not been there in literally decades. There was one fellow there from those old days and we spoke of the ghosts in the room - Boxcar Leonard, Jack, Kim, Art N - folks whose words and wisdom contributed greatly to my sobriety. Random connections, simply by virtue of walking into the same room week after week. I didn't know that I craved community before I got sober, but I'm so glad that I found it.

In another recent meeting, a member shared that something has shifted in long-term sobriety, that the same annoyances and irritations and fears no longer held much weight. I agree. Being 39 and change, I too have noticed a settled-ness that wasn't there in earlier years.  

Some of my internal shifts have felt sudden, though the path to get there was anything but. I think of my tearful prayer while in treatment, "F-it God - I can't do this anymore. You take over." with the feeling like a pencil snapping in two - one minute I needed to get loaded and the next I didn't. A gift. And then, after years of inventory and outside help, there was the sensation of a lightning bolt when I finally understood, from my head to my heart, that my dad's alcoholism and depression had nothing to do with me. A gift.

But much of the psychic rearrangements of these later years have been more subtle, calmer, gradual, with the realization that "Oh That would've been harder in years past," or "Whoa! Did that statement really come from me?" I think the principles of the program become internalized over time, that life on life's terms softens my response, as in "I've been through this before, or know someone who has, and I know I'll be OK." Not that I want the diagnosis or the bad news, the change in plans or finding my foot stuck in my mouth, but time has shown me that I can do just about anything, ODAT.

What random connections have contributed to your ongoing recovery, or perhaps to your career or other life events? What about the psychic rearrangements, cataclysmic or gradual? How are your 10th Steps different today? 

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area

History as a trigger

 I'm not sure how to write about this in a general way, so I'll just dive into what's on my mind. The other evening I watched a PBS documentary about the singer, Janis Ian, who's first release was a song she wrote at age 14 called Society's Child. Released in 1966, it was considered controversial as it was about a white girl's relationship with a Black boy that the girl gave up because of society's judgements. 

My relationship with my first husband started in 1970, when acceptance in the area of interracial relationships had shifted some, but that song still hit me in my idealistic teenage heart. For the most part, my family and  peers were fine with us, but there were definitely incidences of discrimination and prejudice, mostly from adults (like the physician who told my mother to "keep her away from 'them'" to the construction workers on our street who made a snide comment about me after my boyfriend dropped me off after school, the police officer who leaned into my side of the car to ask, "Does your mother know where you are?" while staring at my boyfriend). 

Maybe it's because of the anniversary of his birthday, and of our wedding date in September, with him now gone 5 years. Maybe it was watching footage in the documentary of the social and civil rights revolution and so many being harmed. Maybe it was the grief that I still sometimes feel for the younger me that often flailed through life, but whatever the reason, I found myself weeping in my spouse's arms, sad for the 15, 16, 17-year-old me that, while sometimes acting defiant, was stunned by the overt judgment of others. (as racial prejudice wasn't something I was raised with). At the time, I collected magazine articles on the subject, wrote poetry, and talked for hours with my best friend and my boyfriend, about the ignorance that fed hate. Once married, we had a great life (for a while), back when drinking was still fun in our multi-cultural friend group. But I will say that as I contemplated the demise of the marriage (my mother was right - we were too young), I was sad to now be just another statistic of a mixed couple who didn't make it.

What does this have to do with long-term recovery? I'm not sure, other than my surprise that those old, old feelings that I may not even have acknowledged at the time, reached out to say, "Sometimes it was tough back then."  I think of the many times over the years that healing came through unexpected tears, having done the internal work, having emotionally or spiritually opened the channel, or sometimes just because of a song on the radio or a story on TV.

The late 60's and early 70's were an intense time to grow up, whether one followed a more traditional path or not. I suppose each generation has its trials and joys, from wars and politics, economics and pop culture of the day. The AA literature advises that we not get overly invested in affairs of the world. Easier said than done, and all a part of who I am today. 

And so, the beat goes on, which sometimes includes the past reaching out to grab me by the ankle with an "I bet you forgot about this!"  I've learned, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, that my emotions usually just want to be acknowledged, and in doing so, I allow them to pass on through. Sometimes that benefits from pen to paper, sometimes a conversation with a trusted other, sometimes an internal "Yes. I see you."

Are there incidences, memories or situations from your past that sometimes speak to you these days? How do you gain perspective on the past, forgiving yourself or perhaps others? Do you have tools that help you stay in the present?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area