Wednesday, February 8, 2017

We will intuitively know...

Returning to the 9th step promises, we are told that "we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us." Everything used to baffle me, from getting through the day sober to interpersonal interactions. Especially interpersonal interactions.

Early on, as I lounged in my backyard enjoying a sunny day, the across-the-fence neighbor leaned over and asked if I'd like a cold beer. My mind raced - do I tell him I've been to treatment? Do I say that I'm an alcoholic, and if I have one cold beer I'll want six? What do I say? What do I say? I was able to take a deep breath and simply answer, "No thanks," and that was that. From within had come the recollection that "no is a complete sentence." Oh yes. I don't need to tell everyone everything.

The intuitive knowing isn't always subtle. Again in the early days, and I only tell this unsavory tale because it happened decades ago, I'd connected with a younger guy who bordered on being an inappropriate choice. But, he was cute and fun, so for a brief time I tried to convince myself that it was OK to hang out, in secret, behind closed doors. And, a nagging little voice wouldn't let go of me until I uttered the prayer, "God, should I be seeing this guy?" The problem with that still, small voice is that it isn't always still or small, and usually, if I get to the point of asking God the question, I already know the answer. So, even knowing the answer, I accepted the guy's invitation to attend a large group picnic. I was smart enough to take a friend, and dumb enough to be surprised that he was there with a woman and a baby. OK, Higher Power, go ahead and hit me with a 2x4. Rather than feeling hurt, I laughed that HP had answered my prayer so directly. As they say, don't ask the question unless you're prepared to hear the answer.

As I've learned the hard way, don't try to outrun your intuition, whether you know the answer or not. Within weeks of my 17th sobriety anniversary, the man I'd been with for nearly 10 years left me for a younger woman. Within that year, 7 people I knew died, and the company I worked for abruptly shut the doors, which was on the front page of the local papers the day before I signed a mortgage on my house. It got almost comical, with me finally saying, "OK God, what is it exactly that you want?" It took a while to get quiet enough to listen, but the answer to that prayer was that I needed to pay attention to the inner wisdom that realized this man and I are better off as friends, that I didn't really feel good about my job, that I should tell those I care about that I love them because you never know how long we've got. And, that I won't usually understand the lessons while I'm in the middle of the course.

A gift of long term recovery is the ability to slow down enough to acknowledge my intuitive awareness. I was long the person in a new relationship who wanted to know the ending before it had really begun: tell me you'll love me forever, or move along cowboy. Living with uncertainty is not my strong suit. But, having done a LOT of work around letting go of outcomes in the romance department, and making a conscious decision to let the Higher Power choose my next relationship, I was able to hold still after I met my husband, curious about what might happen instead of trying to figure it out. In another instance, intuition told me, through a dream, to pull my application for a particular position, which in a round about way, landed me in the perfect job I now enjoy.

Intuitively knowing how to handle situations that used to baffle me is a quiet gift of sobriety. Which doesn't necessarily mean that there are specific answers to my questions. During my dear mother's last  months and days, I was certain that I didn't know what to do. But, I knew to reach out, to ask for help, to seek those who had walked the same path. I knew what I needed to know, when I needed to know it, and not a moment sooner.  

Intuitive knowing, the quiet understanding, isn't really a mystery, but it has to do with letting go of drama, of finally knowing at the deepest level, that I am OK. Knowing "how to handle situations that used to baffle" me is a reminder that life has a way of working itself out; that I can take my time; that there is enough time for all I need to accomplish. And that sometimes, taking a side street, or speaking to a stranger, offers gifts I never could've planned. I am grateful that, over time, my instincts don't go awry as often, or as far, as they did when I was just becoming acquainted with the sober lifestyle. I don't question myself as much as I used to. I trust, in myself and in the Power Greater than myself that speaks to me through others, through my dreams, through my journal, through meditation, through our program. How does Inner Wisdom speak to you?










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