We entertained this month - on Sunday a group of friends who generally gather at the holidays, followed by a ladies lunch with friends from grade school, one I've known since I was 18, and another friend of at least 20 years. I like to group my parties, kind of like synchronizing driving errands - the house is already clean, there might be dessert leftovers, so let's schedule twice!
As we ate, I teared up as I mentioned my tendency to reach for the phone to call my mom. All of our mothers are gone, some decades ago and others more recent, but all agreed that the longing to connect never really leaves. That's why these relationships are so important to me - those who've known me over time, who know to phone to make sure I'm doing ok after the previous day's tears. Yeah, I'm ok. If grieving is a sign of love, then I have deeply, deeply loved.
And I was reminded that grief isn't reserved for death - far from it. I know a big handful of people who are going through the pain of break-ups, which is its own hell of mourning - for what was, what could've been, what will not be. In hindsight, I know that my painful endings always lead to joyful beginnings, but don't try to tell me that while I'm in the middle of the descent.
I was told, after Mom died, that the body knows how to grieve, and that I should treat myself as if I had a bad flu. I see that, in retrospect, and have tried to apply that to other losses - gentleness vs the internal "aren't you over this yet?!"
Why is it that we seem to struggle with being kind to ourselves? That is a consistent response to many of my posts - that we can forgive others, be gentle and accepting of friends, but seem to hold ourselves to nearly impossibly high standards. What I'm realizing is that the acceptance called for on the old page 449 (current 417) includes acceptance of myself and my foibles. We're told that "what we resist persists." If I'm focused on the defect, the "don't do x,y,z," guess what - the x,y,z is what I'm thinking about. It is more helpful to relax into what is -accept myself as being exactly as I am in the moment and then decide if there is a different way of being I want to head towards (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, never perfectly).
I've felt a bit off recently - is it too busy, or not busy enough? This frustration or that? What I do know (because you remind me) is that when my mind is cluttered, I can't hear the still, small voice. I do know that being still is very different than being quiet (in other words, meditation doesn't really count if all I'm doing is sitting with my eyes closed while reviewing my grocery list). I can tell myself that "things will calm down when.." but in reality, there's always something, so what is my choice to be?
Something else I hear a lot of in meetings with my peers is this whole aging thing - health fears, all the unknowns, etc etc etc. It's one thing to be aware of other's aging, for example, watching my mother and other elders grow frail over time. I can "know" that aging happens to us all, but it's a different internal conversation when it's my hands that are stiff with arthritis, my breath that comes harder walking up stairs. Can I view this time of life as simply the next adventure, with curiosity rather than dread? Depends on the day, but acceptance feels better than fear.
I will note a passing - Jimmy C, long time member here in Portland and a fan of "Now What?" He encouraged me to write and submit another member's story for the next edition of the Big Book. No word yet on whether we made the cut, but I'll be forever grateful to Jim for his suggestion that helped me come to know a fellow traveler better than I would have. We are normally people who would not mix, but I'm so glad we do.
How can you show kindness to yourself today? Is there an area where you can cut yourself some slack, while still practicing the principle of accountability? How can you make friends with all of it - grief, aging, character aspects that are simply part of who you are? Is there anyone who might like to hear from you this week or anyone you'd like to get to know better?
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See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample of the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you. Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th
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