a new year...

 The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order - Eudora Welty

And that significance seems to come and go, from monumental to mere memory; from a small blip to a turning point. On New Year's Eve, I took a neighborhood walk with several women I've known since grade school. We met at our high school, then naturally gravitated towards the park a mile or so away where we spent many a weekend night as teens, smoking pot and drinking stolen wine, usually until we puked under a tree or the booze ran out. On the way back to my car, I passed the house where I hit bottom, the one with the meth lab in the basement. Time marches on.   

None of this stroll down memory lane had much of a pull, like it might've at one time. Maybe my reactions, or lack of, are related to spiritual fitness? Maybe simply the passing of time? I do know that there are times I think of my mother, for example, with tears, and other times, simply a recognition or pleasant memory. Sometimes I think of my ex, the man who married someone else but still put me through treatment, crying for the pain I caused, and sometimes the memory is simply sweet, or neutral. Sometimes the sunrise or sunset triggers a sense of awe, and sometimes I barely notice. The beat goes on.

The beat goes on, and this weekend I marked 40 years of continuous sobriety. 40 freaking years. I celebrated by throwing myself a dance party followed by a meeting focused on gratitude, and how recovery turned out different than perhaps anticipated in the pre-sober days. We are definitely not a glum lot. And way more than a celebration of my recovery, this was a celebration of of our recovery, of community, of people coming together who may not have seen each other in years (oh how the pandemic changed things). It wasn't the "happy anniversary!" wishes that got me, but the "Oh my god! I haven't seen you in forever!" as people walked in the door,  shrieks of joyful recognition. and  connect-the-dots moments - my sponsor realizing she used to work with a grade school pal of mine; two separate groups who'd been at morning meetings that day talking about a 40th anniversary party they'd be attending, only to have someone they didn't know (yet) say, "We'll be there too." It's like Huey from Nova Scotia said in the Long-Timers meeting at the International in Toronto years ago - "What keeps me coming back is the love vibe of the people." Indeed. Grateful doesn't even begin to describe the joy in my heart.

I chaired my in-person homegroup on Sunday, and could remember almost glossing over when someone shared about having 10, 20, 30 or more years sober. Even 5 years seemed ridiculously out of reach in my first weeks and months. I'm not one of these people who tends to lead with how much time I've got (unless it's a birthday meeting, of course). I subscribe to the belief that we all just have today, having been in too many meetings over the years where a long-timer goes out and struggles to come back - maybe triggered by medication, maybe from simply forgetting they're alcoholic, maybe just deciding they're done with the sober life. I don't want to be one of those people, and I know that I'm sober today based on how I work my program in the here and now, not there and then. 

So, back in the saddle after a very full and fun social month of December, with entertaining, holiday events, house guests - a joyful time of love and laughter shared. Back to the gym, back to salad for dinner, back to not keeping sugary treats in the kitchen! And always an eye to how I can be part of the solution  today, with my morning readings and journal, regular meetings, and contact with trusted others. 

To that end, someone asked me, only partly in jest, to be their "retirement sponsor" as they make the transition from the daily routine to more freedom of time. That can be challenging, with shifting priorities and often a "who am I now?" focus. The part about seeing where our experience can benefit others doesn't just apply to staying sober. As a long-timer, I have a lot of life to share, when asked. And therein lies the key to my Alanon program - Did they ask?  One day at a time I can utilize what I learned from Lila R in a New Year's talk: Pause, Pray, Proceed. One day at a time, one decision at a time.

How did you enter the new year? How can you strive for peace and serenity when the outside world seems to be way off kilter? How can Let it begin with me ease both personal relationships and relationship to news of the day? How can I utilize the tools of the program to deal with uncertainty?

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Time for a new year inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth