Reflections

 On my walk the other morning, I rounded a corner passing a bus stop with seven kids waiting to ride down the hill to high school. All but one of them had their nose (and their thumbs) in their phones. No giggling, no jostling around, no boys pretending not to check out the girls, no conversation. It made me a bit sad, the same way I feel when in line at the post office, or on a subway or bus, or at the airport - people and their screens. Entertaining? Sure. Informative? Often. And...  I called a friend once, and she exclaimed, only partially in jest, "You're not supposed to call me! You're supposed to text first to see if it's ok to call me." Sheesh. Now that you mention it, I rarely get voice mail anymore, and the phone doesn't ring too often (if we don't count telemarketing). It's a new and different world.

In a meeting this week, people spoke of the intuitive thought or action, the internal knowing (or very obvious clues) that lets me know I'm on the right path, or on one I need to avoid. It took awhile to get comfortable with self-trust, with a lot of newcomer questioning - "Is this HP's will or self will?" What I found over time is that if something flows smoothly, I'm in the right place. If it feels forced, maybe I could get out of my own way and let life unfold. 

And somewhat along those lines, in another meeting, the chair spoke to feeling stuck in particular areas - I could so relate. It got me thinking - am I feeling stuck because I'm bumping up against "should" or "have to" vs "want to"? As my observant spouse pointed out, if I really wanted to do the particular thing I'm thinking of, I'd be doing it. 

So then it comes down to action vs surrender, let go vs faith without works is dead. Easy does it, but do it. Ha ha ha. Once again, perspective and intention. Mae West is reported to have said, "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." How can I apply that to decisions today, especially as I seek being a human being vs a human doing, letting go of notions of "doing it right"?  A woman I know shared that she's been retired 8 years, and is just now feeling the internal exhale of releasing the agenda/schedule. Breathing, breathing...

And speaking of perspective, I hosted a gathering of cousins over the weekend as we bid bon voyage to one of the offspring (who's now in her 50's), off on the next phase of her life halfway across the world. In a follow up conversation, I reiterated how much I enjoyed spending time at the cousins' house growing up. With 6 kids, there was always something going on. In contrast, one of the twins said that she always appreciated spending the night at our house because it was quiet. I couldn't wait to get out of our somber home, with Dad's alcoholism and depression, while she looked to escape the drama of 5 siblings and her dad's much more dramatic alcoholism. 

 Do we always want what we don't have? No, but apparently we did back then, though didn't talk about it. And, an example of how my memories are often so different from others who were there. Sometimes I think my brother and I grew up in different households, and a dear friend remembers things from our late 20's that I have absolutely no recollection of (like a flight to Reno!). I have a sticky note on my computer screen that asks, "What else might be true?" I can apply that to distant days as well as something that might have me in a tizzy today. 

Spring begins on Friday, though it's felt spring-like here for a while now with flowers and trees in bloom. I've got round two of a head cold, so feeling a bit lethargic. Today I can practice self-care, in contrast to times I would've pushed through and made myself  keep moving. 

Is there anywhere in your life where the should's and the want to's bump up against each other? Does self-care come any easier in long term recovery? What situations or memories might benefit from asking, "What else might be true?"