I found myself a little teary in a meeting this week as the chair spoke to staying aware of how I make ongoing amends to myself with nurturing actions. After a week of extended "conversations" with chat-bots, a week of attempting to manage outcomes, a week of tuning fork energy, I felt my shoulders release as I thought about a day when I opened a window near the couch in order to hear the rain while I wrote in my journal, or the few moments I sat on the deck after pulling weeds. How often am I conscious of stepping outside the DO NOW imperative? How often do I stop to really notice those little things that bring me pleasure, like clean sheets on the bed, a cup of tea in a favorite mug, the perfect fine point pen?
I'm thinking of one of my daily readers that reminds me to increase self-care when I'm feeling stressed, when the first reaction might be to skimp - on sleep, on quiet time, on healthy food. And, a tool I picked up awhile ago - instead of going in to Superwoman mode, stop and remind myself that any reasonable person would be stressed if X,Y and Z were going on in their life. And truthfully, it doesn't have to be negative stuff. I can get just as twitchy when positives are on the horizon. Now and always, remember that it's one day at a time, and that right here, right now, everything is OK. Sure, there are things/tasks that need doing, and I'm not in charge of the whole, entire universe (and I can only do one thing at a time).
And I hope I never get to a place where I'm no longer moved in meetings, no longer impacted by hearing others find their spark or share their grief, or describe what I hadn't had words for. Sure, over the years there have been times I thought, "Oh man, not another feeling," but I've never stepped away from meetings. Funny enough, when I'm feeling over it, the solution seems to be to go to more meetings, online, in-person, or out of town. I can be tuned out, then suddenly the room seems to levitate with someone's honesty and I think, "Oh yeah. That's why I keep coming back."
A few times recently I've heard people share that they appreciate we long timers who continue to attend meetings. But, what else am I going to do? Where else will I find such a bond with like-minded others, or have the opportunity to practice the "carry the message" part of Step 12? I know meetings aren't for everyone - some of my favorite everyones don't go anymore - and, this alcoholic needs the human connection, especially with zoom, where I can regularly see people who live in other parts of the country.
I heard a Fifth Step yesterday - always grateful for the honor of trust, the gift of being present for another's self-exploration. Later this week I'll meet with a fellow long-timer to start through the Steps with Numero Uno - always a wakeup, no matter how long I've been sober. What am I powerless over today? Or more accurately, where am I tying myself in knots with my efforts at power and control?
How do you, or will you, be conscious of on-going amends to yourself with nurturing actions or self-talk? Whatever the task, are you able to do it gently? Whether meetings are your thing or not, where do you find connection? How does Step One play out in your life today?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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