Moving on

 So, good news in the health department this week, and then I got into a fender bender on the way home from the last medical appointment. Totally my fault, though the other driver may have been going more than the posted 20mph, and a big reminder to slow down and pay attention. I don't get into trouble every time I'm in a hurry, but most of the trouble I've been in was when I was in a hurry. 

And it's not like the whole world isn't in a tizzy these days, whichever side of the divide you're on. I can do my best to call on compassion for others as well as myself. Kind of like when I burst into tears when the radiologist told me I'm ok, I don't know what other people may be carrying.

We marked Dios de Los Muertos this weekend, All Saints Day in Christianity, when the veil between this world and the next is thought to be more permeable than usual. We put out photos of our dearly departed, mindful that no one is truly gone as long as someone is here to remember them. So, Mom, Dad, Aunty Jeanne, Clyde, Hassan, Doug, Diane, Jayna - the list goes on as I'm sure yours does as well. I printed out something from the internet about ancestors, as in. "In moments of fear, stress and the unknown, ask your departed ancestors for guidance and support; they have your back." I did that with my medical fears last week, knowing that my female lineage (the men too) are examples of walking through hard times, whether in the world (the Oregon Trail, the Great Depression, WWI and WWII) or the personal of early deaths and diseases. When I allow myself to get still, I can feel the power available to me, releasing the perceived need to figure it all out. 

I attended my last Step Group this past weekend, moving on after 12 years. Though certainly not the case with this particular involvement, it made me think of times I may have stayed in a situation longer than was healthy, whether a relationship or job, or even a meeting. I thought of a time when I first worked in treatment with teens. I often sat in on the young person's session with the psychiatrist, to help them relax just a bit. This particular time, I joined in while the older (50's? 60's?) Jewish psychiatrist from New York sang the Kenny Rogers song, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" with a teenage boy from the Yakima Nation. I don't remember what it was in reference to - using friends? the gang life? - but the moment is etched in my mind as an excellent example of what we often hear to "meet them where they are." 

So in my process of knowing when to fold 'em, I came to a shift in perspective. Instead of "shoulding" on myself for quitting the Step Group, I decided that what I really was doing was releasing my spot in the group for someone else. This group (or job or friendship, etc) was good while it was good, and now it's time to move on.

I'm seeking another perspective shift in relation to an old idea. A couple of people in the group spoke to their need to slow down, whether in decision making or actions. I felt myself bristle just a tiny bit, knowing that "hurry" is often my M.O. When I was a kid, maybe 10 years old, my dad cautioned me to "Slow down, Jeanine!" as I ran from the bathroom back out to the ball game in the street. For a long time, I thought, "I don't need to slow down - the rest of you need to pick it up!" which usually got nods of recognition from the fellow stimulant addicts in the room. Maybe, just maybe, these days I can reframe the "slow down" to mean acting from serenity vs being chastised. Can I practice the beneficial aspect of slowing down without pathologizing my innate nature? 

Funny thing about those old ideas... for me, they may morph but are essentially the same. Part of the Step Group process was to, each year, identify a new idea to work towards. Wouldn't you know it, most of mine over the years were the same - trust the process, pause, relieve me of the bondage of self. I guess I'll keep coming back. 

What old ideas are still present and could benefit from reframing? How do you listen to the still, small voice to know that it is time to move on from a person, place or thing? As we enter the holiday season, how will you practice extra self-care?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth.

Fears vs Trust

 This week I had coffee with two long-time friends from early recovery when we were peas in a pod - meetings, slumber parties, conferences - all the stuff of those exciting days of new sobriety. And, time marches on, with weddings and moves, changing habits (meetings/no meetings), changing activities - and yet, the history is there and the bond is real. Maybe not hang-out-every-weekend real, but still, a definite connection. 

I had no idea when I went into treatment that I'd be making lifelong friends. I'm fortunate enough to have friends I've known since grade school, and my bestie who I met when we were 18. And then the sober pals, some long gone, a handful still in my (digital) address book, though we may only see each other once or twice a year, and those I'm close to that I met in treatment. Grateful that I no longer feel the need to jettison people from my life for one imagined offense or another.

I'm working the Steps with my new AA sponsor, currently on Step 4. She'd asked if I wanted more time for writing inventory - no. These days I put pen to paper and see what flows. Gone are the days when I felt the need to go at my psyche with a pickax. As speaker Lila R points out, if I'm current with Step 10 there likely won't be too much to write about. A couple of resentments, a few fears, but what I mainly do these days is more a narrative of what is troubling me. I find that the act of writing eventually brings me to an understanding of underlying causes and conditions, as well as solutions. As was mentioned in a long-timer's meeting last week, over the years it has become much easier to be gentle with myself. 

Easier to be gentle with myself, and I hope, with those around me. I have a regularly scheduled brunch date with cousins on my dad's side - his half-brother's 2 daughters, their half-sisters, another cousin of theirs by marriage, and sometimes, dad's sister's remaining kids (I say "kids" but we're all in our 70's!). I was close with my immediate cousins, but the others, saw mainly at Christmas. It is nice knowing them as adults, discovering what we have in common (one is an avid fan of Jeopardy on TV, as am I), sharing our sometimes-twisted family sense of humor. None of them are people I see regularly. I don't need to approve or disapprove of their politics, their chosen lifestyle, what they order for lunch. While I crave and thrive on deep conversation, sometimes superficial is just fine, with the occasional deep dive. 

It's vaguely interesting to me that neither my brother or myself, or the two offspring of Dad's half-brother have reproduced (though the rest of the clan made up for it). Are we consciously or unconsciously breaking the chain of alcoholism? Whatever the reason, this particular strain of the family name ends here. Which, goes back to the ongoing conversation about legacy. Does it really matter in the long run? 

And, as the fates would have it, I had to skip the brunch to go to Urgent Care, on the suggestion of the phone advice nurse. In the past I likely would've told myself to ride it out, but as a breast cancer survivor, I pay closer attention to anything that doesn't seem right. As a past distance runner and current semi-distance walker, I nearly always have some aches and pains - the trick is to discern the usual from the unusual. Something felt off, so I made the call and have followed directions since then, with a two more appointments on the docket. More will be revealed, and I'm once again very grateful for good insurance that I know is a huge privilege. 

I will admit to having a hard time falling asleep the night before making the call to the advice nurse, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind, doing my best to rein it in to the Serenity and 3rd Step prayers. I'm not a doctor, so my midnight ruminations are pointless. Yes, powerlessness sucks, and I can strive for the cosmic exhale that comes with surrender, no matter how many times I need to remind myself I'm not in charge. 

And with now one of the appointments done, I can say "Whew!" with the radiologist's "all clear" after a mammogram and a second ultrasound.  I cried tears of relief when she said everything is ok. I've been mostly positive with an underlying dread. I do know that with the principles of the program, I can walk through anything that comes down the pike, and I'm very, very grateful to be over this small speed bump of uncertainty.

How do you stay positive when the whispers of "what it?" work their way in? How do you use the inventory process today? Has there been any change in your ability to be gentle with yourself for characteristics or blunders, real or imagined?  How about with other people?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth.

Decisions, Aging, Mentors...

 Until something else becomes obvious, the "what's next?" is right here, right now.

I came across the above quote this week and passed it on to a friend who really needs it right now, only to realize that I'm the one who really needs to be reminded of doing the next right thing without trying to polish the (non-existent) crystal ball. This life isn't so much of a mystery that I need to figure out what's behind Door Number 1 or Door Number 2. I'm rarely faced with an either/or decision these days, and if I am, can follow the old adage that if I don't know what to do, don't do anything. What a concept. How many times did I make a hasty decision simply to ease my anxiety? One of my Alanon readers reminds me that "waiting is an action." Breathing, breathing...

In the past week, in three different meetings, three of my elders talked about aging - one with trepidation, one upset at their saggy neck, one with a "Wow - this is a whole new journey." Yes to all three in varying degrees, but especially to the "Wow." Earlier in life I had specific expectations and desires - to have work I enjoyed at least part of the time, to build a loving and healthy partnership, perhaps the next college degree or class. Not that there aren't things I'd like to do, but the striving piece of yesteryear has very much quieted. This aging thing is uncharted territory. Uncharted and so very individual. I can watch those who are further along the path, but as I was told when my mother was dying, "Yes, many of us have been there too, and it is your journey alone." I can very much draw on the wisdom of those who've gone before, and at 3am, it is just me and my brain. Where will I direct my attention?

I'm reading Breaking the Age Code by Becca Levy, subtitled "How your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long & How Well You Live." I'm not sure that simply believing I'll live to 100 will make it so, but she has some good points about how cultural beliefs and biases influence our thinking, comparing cultures where aging is revered vs US culture which too often focuses on diminishments associated with the later years. I do subscribe to the philosophy that our thoughts influence our world and am very grateful that I didn't hear much complaining from my older relations. I don't recall my mother or my closest aunt saying much negative about getting older. What they did talk about was how much they'd enjoyed their 50's and that the 60's were even better. Maybe they felt the same about their 70's as well. By their 80's, there were some illnesses, which definitely shifts one's world view, but both traveled that path with grace and dignity, my aunt once saying, "Well you didn't think I was going to live forever, did you?!" Actually, I'd kind of hoped...

One of my (non-program) daily readers this week spoke to gratitude for the support we received from teachers or mentors earlier in life. I scratch my head at that one. In grade school, I was more often chastised than encouraged, in trouble for eating candy in class, cussing, not sitting still, talking out of turn, with one memorable, "You have so much potential..." lecture. In high school, I had teachers I liked more than others, but none felt like a mentor - big classes full of baby boomers, me running off for a cigarette or a joint whenever possible. 

In sobriety, of course, another story, with sponsors and trusted others and those of wise-words in meetings. In my younger years, especially as a young wife with zero homemaking skills, I was embarrassed to ask for help, thinking I was "supposed" to know even if I hadn't been taught. Through recovery, I developed into a fairly competent person, evident when I was in treatment for breast cancer. Friends asked how they could help after surgery, but by then I'd made a pot of soup and figured I'd mostly sleep. A good friend said it wasn't that I was resistant to asking for help, but more that I couldn't imagine for what. I don't think that is a character defense - when my husband and first husband were both diagnosed with cancer in the same month, I definitely asked for help - from my employer, for rides to treatment, someone for me to process with. So, situation dependent. (That's what I'm telling myself anyway!)

This Sunday I walked to my former home group, now re-attending, on a glorious autumn day with leaves in full splendor as the sun began to set. For me, this time of year makes it so much easier to be in the moment, reveling in nature's beauty, her final show of leaves seemingly lit from within before winter's darkness. I appreciate the seasons, with the opportunity to pay attention to both my surroundings and my heart. One day at a time, the beat goes on.

What are your core beliefs around the aging process? Did, or do you have elders you'd consider role models? What are their qualities that you appreciate? What about mentors or teachers, either before or after recovery? As someone with long term sobriety, how are you a mentor or guide for others?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth.

Friends

We spent a long weekend with my spouse's family in the Bay Area last week, celebrating a group of birthdays, including the patriarch's 96th. What a world of change he's seen in his lifetime, as have we all. And what joy in watching the little ones grow!  And, what a joy to connect with our AA family while there, hitting a few meetings, along with those precious meeting-after-the-meeting conversations.  

I was invited to do an Alanon lead while there, with a focus on Tradition 10, no opinion on outside issues. On the surface, "obviously," thinking of religion and politics, but as I dug a bit deeper, I read how those outside issues are really anything outside my hula hoop, which seems to get smaller the longer I'm around! Dang it. But I have so many opinions and ideas! In the breakout circle after my share, a member said they have strong opinions about things they don't even care about. Whew! That certainly hit home. How often do I have an almost automatic response to something I know very little about, or that really doesn't concern me?! Judging by commentary on online posts, I'm not alone in that. One more time, the pause is invaluable.

We were very fortunate to host my best friend and his other best friend for the night as part of the return from his cross-country move of a few years ago. We had a little breakfast party before they headed out, with two friends joining who hadn't met the other bestie in real life. Like with our Bay Area pals, I'm gratified and grateful at the depth of relationships I've developed over zoom, all the sweeter when we can gather in person. We are people who normally would not mix, or more likely, would never have crossed paths were it not for recovery. And how sweet to share a meal with people I've now know for decades, including three of us who were in treatment together, and one I 12-stepped before she turned 21. 

And isn't it funny, that term "best friend." When I was a kid, say 7th or 8th grade, that was a specific designation. I remember feeling hurt one day when my cousin announced that the person I thought was my best friend was now her best friend. We had a lot to learn about relationships in those days, and I suppose hurt feelings were part of the process. Many, many years later a different cousin told me how her feelings were hurt when I got my first serious boyfriend and she moved to second fiddle. It wasn't until I got sober that I learned how to truly be a friend, not just when it was convenient. not just one-sided, and that I can have multiple "best friends" as can my friends.  And when I do feel left out, or jealous of other's relationships, I can remind myself that there is enough love, friendship and attention for us all. Isn't growing up wonderful (said only slightly sarcastically)? It might've been simpler when age appropriate, but so much more interesting (and sometimes painful) at an age I can be aware of what's going on inside me. 

It's been a wonderful, though slightly hectic few weeks, with my car in the shop, travel, then home to furious housecleaning for our guests (apparently we should have company more often!), an NBA game, brunch with friends, and hubs back to work. In my working days, sometimes going back to the office felt like a rest after an active vacation. I am grateful for a full and rich life, and need to remember that it is the quiet days of routine that give texture to the whole of it.

How big is your hula hoop? What are some situations that could be considered an outside issue? Do you have a best friend? How does that feel different than when you were younger? How do you find or maintain balance between active and more passive pursuits? 

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area