Friends

We spent a long weekend with my spouse's family in the Bay Area last week, celebrating a group of birthdays, including the patriarch's 96th. What a world of change he's seen in his lifetime, as have we all. And what joy in watching the little ones grow!  And, what a joy to connect with our AA family while there, hitting a few meetings, along with those precious meeting-after-the-meeting conversations.  

I was invited to do an Alanon lead while there, with a focus on Tradition 10, no opinion on outside issues. On the surface, "obviously," thinking of religion and politics, but as I dug a bit deeper, I read how those outside issues are really anything outside my hula hoop, which seems to get smaller the longer I'm around! Dang it. But I have so many opinions and ideas! In the breakout circle after my share, a member said they have strong opinions about things they don't even care about. Whew! That certainly hit home. How often do I have an almost automatic response to something I know very little about, or that really doesn't concern me?! Judging by commentary on online posts, I'm not alone in that. One more time, the pause is invaluable.

We were very fortunate to host my best friend and his other best friend for the night as part of the return from his cross-country move of a few years ago. We had a little breakfast party before they headed out, with two friends joining who hadn't met the other bestie in real life. Like with our Bay Area pals, I'm gratified and grateful at the depth of relationships I've developed over zoom, all the sweeter when we can gather in person. We are people who normally would not mix, or more likely, would never have crossed paths were it not for recovery. And how sweet to share a meal with people I've now know for decades, including three of us who were in treatment together, and one I 12-stepped before she turned 21. 

And isn't it funny, that term "best friend." When I was a kid, say 7th or 8th grade, that was a specific designation. I remember feeling hurt one day when my cousin announced that the person I thought was my best friend was now her best friend. We had a lot to learn about relationships in those days, and I suppose hurt feelings were part of the process. Many, many years later a different cousin told me how her feelings were hurt when I got my first serious boyfriend and she moved to second fiddle. It wasn't until I got sober that I learned how to truly be a friend, not just when it was convenient. not just one-sided, and that I can have multiple "best friends" as can my friends.  And when I do feel left out, or jealous of other's relationships, I can remind myself that there is enough love, friendship and attention for us all. Isn't growing up wonderful (said only slightly sarcastically)? It might've been simpler when age appropriate, but so much more interesting (and sometimes painful) at an age I can be aware of what's going on inside me. 

It's been a wonderful, though slightly hectic few weeks, with my car in the shop, travel, then home to furious housecleaning for our guests (apparently we should have company more often!), an NBA game, brunch with friends, and hubs back to work. In my working days, sometimes going back to the office felt like a rest after an active vacation. I am grateful for a full and rich life, and need to remember that it is the quiet days of routine that give texture to the whole of it.

How big is your hula hoop? What are some situations that could be considered an outside issue? Do you have a best friend? How does that feel different than when you were younger? How do you find or maintain balance between active and more passive pursuits? 

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area

Legacy

 A good friend has suggested I write about legacy, as in, what do we leave behind, who remembers us and what impressions do they have, along with the big one, "How important is it that we are remembered?" Philosophers and great thinkers through the ages have contemplated that one. We're the only species that thinks about being remembered - the human ego on full display. Does it matter to anyone but me and maybe their loved ones that I speak about my AA forebearers (like Leonard C and Norm B)? Once all my worldly possessions are disposed of in one way or another, does it really matter if people remember me? In theory, I won't know. Maybe it's that whole piece of wanting to have mattered in some way - the existential question of the meaning of life. I didn't reproduce, or write the Great American Novel. I didn't cure cancer or fix any social ills. I do hope that my actions have left the world just a wee bit better, through my profession or my interactions... And, as I contemplate my upcoming 40th anniversary (no fronts!), would it be so bad to be remembered as someone who gave great parties? 

While noting the long and important life of Dr. Jane Goodall, I was reassured by something she is reported to have said  - There is either nothing, or something after death. If nothing, then nothing and it is done. If something (and she believes so), she looks forward to the adventure of finding out.

Psychologist Erik Erikson's theory of human development described middle adulthood as a time of "Generativity vs Stagnation" when people create or nurture things that will outlast them with late adulthood (65 - death) as the time of Integrity vs Despair, when we, in theory anyway, reflect on our lives with either acceptance or regret. I very definitely have fewer regrets today than I would've before sobriety. I do sometimes contemplate if there is anything I'd regret not having done when the end comes. Not a "bucket list" per se, but more about a way of being.

I am thinking more and more about the end - probably fairly normal "as we age" (and why is it so often much younger doctors who use that phrase?!). I've taken to pointing things out to my spouse, with an "If I go first____" lead in. I used to tell my mom that I didn't want any lingering illness from her. It had been so painful watching my father die, compounded by this non-talkative man having had his larynx removed due to tobacco related cancer. With my mother, as excruciating the long-good bye was (she was on hospice over 8 months), it was good being able to say all that needed to be said, and start at least thinking about the business end of things. And, we don't get to choose, unless of course, we do, and that's a whole 'nother topic.

And, today is today. I can plan ahead, whether for the next trip or the final one, while being firmly planted in the here and now. I've re-started a meditation practice, using guided imagery, which helps me focus. On Sunday, I walked a half-marathon (13.1 miles) on a glorious fall day here in Portland, chatting with folks along the way, eliciting some "Happy Birthday's" when I pointed out I'm celebrating turning 71. Who would've thought, when I could barely make it up the stairs at my home group in 1986 that I'd be reasonably healthy and still moving all these years later? One day at a time, one step at a time, one decision at a time. 

What might you hope your legacy to be? Are there dreams or goals you want to attend to? How does Jane Goodall's statement about dying strike you? How does your spiritual program guide your days?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area

Hindsight

 My sometimes walking route takes me past the apartment I moved into when I left my first husband. I was 23, had never lived on my own before, and well into daily drinking, along with the poor decision making that went along with that (cue disco music). I probably kept the apartment for close to a year, though only lived there for maybe 6 months. When my new boyfriend came home from an extended family/business trip, I essentially moved in with him.

I wasn't much of a blackout drinker, yet I have very few actual memories of my time in the apartment. I remember my dad going with me to buy my first car (a Chevy Nova) and the driving school instructor coming over for my lessons. I remember awful hangovers, hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock 3  or 4 times, groggily downing an Instant Breakfast with toast while reading the comics and Dear Abby, then walking to work about a mile away. A non-alcoholic friend from school was a runner, knocking on the door a few times in the early morning so I could join her, stopping after one too many sleepy (i.e. hungover) groans through the screen door that I couldn't go. 

In hindsight, that all-knowing, all-seeing oracle, I sure wish I'd lived on my own, and maybe gone to college before getting married - though if I'd done either, I probably wouldn't have gotten married at all. I was very competent in the workplace back then, but had such limited maturity in the realm of relationships. I can be grateful to have survived, to have not gone home with the wrong stranger, to have never wrecked a car.

At one of my Alanon meetings this week, the topic was "love," with the sad awareness that love isn't enough to save someone from addiction. As people shared, I realized that, as a kid, I confused love with pity, with the illusion of control, or performance, as in "if I do this, that or the other thing, the person I love will be OK." In reality, love has to do with respecting another's decisions, no matter how stupid those may seem. My heroin addicted boyfriend died of an overdose. All the "love" in the world couldn't change his unwillingness or inability to accept his powerlessness. Love can mean trust, as in trusting that you know what is best for yourself in the moment. I don't have to agree. 

And a huge piece of recovery has to do with learning to love myself enough to stay in my lane, to understand on a gut level that my dad's alcoholism wasn't my fault, to have compassion for others without trying to be in charge. Loving myself means paying attention to the still, small voice that I used to try to outrun or ignore, the voice that said, "Ah, not a good idea," while I went ahead anyway. Loving myself these days means respecting the HALTS, paying attention to bodily changes without being paranoid, following routines that work for me while being flexible when circumstances warrant. The saying we've heard a thousand times - let us love you until you can love yourself - seemed so very corny, especially since I had no idea what it meant. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...

I've been to a couple of in-person meetings this past week, one my long time (and long ago) home group that I intend to continue. It's at the same church, in a different room (with a working fireplace), and only one guy from back in the day - and that guy just celebrated 42 years. Between the pandemic and getting older (!) I've gotten very comfortable with my online connections. And, in-person meetings allow for more spontaneous interactions, and real life hugs. 

Name three things you're grateful for today. Is there a person or situation that you might need to release? What did "Let us love you until you can love yourself?" mean to you at the beginning? Now? 

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area

ODAT

 In a meeting this week, someone shared their feelings of overwhelm, given all that's going on in the world at the moment. I get it, and think it would be odd if we, if I, didn't have feelings about the sad state of affairs. What struck me, as I did my best to quiet my racing mind, is that what I hear about on the "news" is what's happening on the edges, the fringes, the loudest voices that get the most attention. From my actual view of my actual life, it seems that most people are simply living - getting the kids to school, shopping for groceries, making dinner, going to the beach. I need to remember that I have a choice on what I ingest. As I re-heard recently, I'm not responsible for my first thought, but I am responsible for my second, as well as where I put my attention. How long am I spending in online news outlets or on TV, or reading stranger's comments on social media?

A friend recently noted the huge differences in the world today, where many (some?) are engaged in intense relationship with people online they'll never meet, or even see their faces. This friend noted a visceral sense of the wheel of time shifting, with our generation no longer relevant to the younger. I very much relate, and it makes me just a bit sad, which I'm sure each generation must feel as time and technology sprints onward.

All of this increases my gratitude for our 12 Step programs - the timeless wisdom and guidance inherent in the principles. I'm not asked to show my Voter Registration card at a meeting, or to sign any kind of loyalty pledge to one faction or another. It is suggested that I practice (emphasis on practice) the ideals of honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, and service.  I'm reminded of a friend from Northern Ireland who was asked to speak at a meeting in what would've been enemy territory during their civil war. He, and his vehicle, were safe while he shared, with the spoken and unspoken rule of our primary purpose. 

I walked 10 miles this morning in preparation for a half marathon in October. I'd realized I was under-prepared, ala resting on my laurels. "Well, I walked the Camino," I've been telling myself, though that was over 4 months ago! Much like program - while I have a strong foundation, my serenity and peace of mind isn't based on what I did 10 years, 10 weeks or even 10 days ago. How am I applying the principles today? 

Along those lines, I met with my AA sponsor this week, reading from the 12x12 and discussing Step 4. My initial reaction was thinking that I don't really need to do inventory. After all, I've been sober a long time and my characteristics (aka character defects) are under control! Ha! Complacency? Self justification?? While I don't think I need to dig for what may or may not be there, I can give myself the time to get still and see what comes up. I don't lie, cheat or steal anymore, but are there ways I'm dishonest with my emotions? Isn't it a form of cheating when I have expectations of how people should behave? Do I steal, or squander time when I spend it worrying about the future?

And so, the beat goes on. I, for one, am very grateful that the season has shifted to autumn - sweater weather, though still warm this week in Portland. Sometimes I complain about the heat, but need to remind myself I'll likely be complaining about the cold and wet in a few months. At least with the weather, I know I'm powerless. I will look to take that same understanding to other areas that may frustrate me - other people's decisions or actions, traffic, neighborhood noise, etc. ODAT

How do you feel about changes in technology and social culture? Are you making peace with the passage of time? Are there areas of self-care or your program where you may be resting on your laurels? How will you re-engage?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area