Decisions, Aging, Mentors...

 Until something else becomes obvious, the "what's next?" is right here, right now.

I came across the above quote this week and passed it on to a friend who really needs it right now, only to realize that I'm the one who really needs to be reminded of doing the next right thing without trying to polish the (non-existent) crystal ball. This life isn't so much of a mystery that I need to figure out what's behind Door Number 1 or Door Number 2. I'm rarely faced with an either/or decision these days, and if I am, can follow the old adage that if I don't know what to do, don't do anything. What a concept. How many times did I make a hasty decision simply to ease my anxiety? One of my Alanon readers reminds me that "waiting is an action." Breathing, breathing...

In the past week, in three different meetings, three of my elders talked about aging - one with trepidation, one upset at their saggy neck, one with a "Wow - this is a whole new journey." Yes to all three in varying degrees, but especially to the "Wow." Earlier in life I had specific expectations and desires - to have work I enjoyed at least part of the time, to build a loving and healthy partnership, perhaps the next college degree or class. Not that there aren't things I'd like to do, but the striving piece of yesteryear has very much quieted. This aging thing is uncharted territory. Uncharted and so very individual. I can watch those who are further along the path, but as I was told when my mother was dying, "Yes, many of us have been there too, and it is your journey alone." I can very much draw on the wisdom of those who've gone before, and at 3am, it is just me and my brain. Where will I direct my attention?

I'm reading Breaking the Age Code by Becca Levy, subtitled "How your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long & How Well You Live." I'm not sure that simply believing I'll live to 100 will make it so, but she has some good points about how cultural beliefs and biases influence our thinking, comparing cultures where aging is revered vs US culture which too often focuses on diminishments associated with the later years. I do subscribe to the philosophy that our thoughts influence our world and am very grateful that I didn't hear much complaining from my older relations. I don't recall my mother or my closest aunt saying much negative about getting older. What they did talk about was how much they'd enjoyed their 50's and that the 60's were even better. Maybe they felt the same about their 70's as well. By their 80's, there were some illnesses, which definitely shifts one's world view, but both traveled that path with grace and dignity, my aunt once saying, "Well you didn't think I was going to live forever, did you?!" Actually, I'd kind of hoped...

One of my (non-program) daily readers this week spoke to gratitude for the support we received from teachers or mentors earlier in life. I scratch my head at that one. In grade school, I was more often chastised than encouraged, in trouble for eating candy in class, cussing, not sitting still, talking out of turn, with one memorable, "You have so much potential..." lecture. In high school, I had teachers I liked more than others, but none felt like a mentor - big classes full of baby boomers, me running off for a cigarette or a joint whenever possible. 

In sobriety, of course, another story, with sponsors and trusted others and those of wise-words in meetings. In my younger years, especially as a young wife with zero homemaking skills, I was embarrassed to ask for help, thinking I was "supposed" to know even if I hadn't been taught. Through recovery, I developed into a fairly competent person, evident when I was in treatment for breast cancer. Friends asked how they could help after surgery, but by then I'd made a pot of soup and figured I'd mostly sleep. A good friend said it wasn't that I was resistant to asking for help, but more that I couldn't imagine for what. I don't think that is a character defense - when my husband and first husband were both diagnosed with cancer in the same month, I definitely asked for help - from my employer, for rides to treatment, someone for me to process with. So, situation dependent. (That's what I'm telling myself anyway!)

This Sunday I walked to my former home group, now re-attending, on a glorious autumn day with leaves in full splendor as the sun began to set. For me, this time of year makes it so much easier to be in the moment, reveling in nature's beauty, her final show of leaves seemingly lit from within before winter's darkness. I appreciate the seasons, with the opportunity to pay attention to both my surroundings and my heart. One day at a time, the beat goes on.

What are your core beliefs around the aging process? Did, or do you have elders you'd consider role models? What are their qualities that you appreciate? What about mentors or teachers, either before or after recovery? As someone with long term sobriety, how are you a mentor or guide for others?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth.