A co-worker, someone I supervise and consider a work friend, confronted me on a behavior last week related to my impatience – that internal tick-tock that wants me to believe there is never enough time. I wish I could say this was her stuff, but, alas, it is mine. So much mine that I heard similar feedback regarding my control issues at home. Damn it.

My Dad used to shout, “Slow down!” as I ran from the bathroom back out to the street ball game, still pulling up my pants. Slow down. But I didn't want to miss anything, and I'd better hurry, and if I wasn't careful, I'd run out of time. Hurry. Hurry.  I know I’ve written about this before, but confessing my faults is not enough to change the behavior (obviously). I'm seriously considering having “pause” tattooed on my right wrist as a firm reminder. As a less invasive option, my co-worker suggested a sticky note on my calendar, reminding me to “take a breath.”

Fortuitously, I had a sponsor meeting on Friday. She asked, several times, “what was your part?” I had a hard time seeing it. I’ve been doing this work long enough that the layers of the onion are down to those that feel like my skin. I'd been working on Step 8 (August) and in re-reading the chapter in the 12x12, discovered lines I’d never seen before – it’s not merely a list, but an on-going process of amending behavior so that my relationships are clean.

Step 8 led me to an inventory – I did some reverse engineering, first listing the manifestation of this particular characteristic, then looking for the core beliefs under the acting out. I can see that, as a kid, it felt like no one was in charge, so somebody (me!) had to be. I know that I internalized my Mom's belief that if you are on time, you're late.  From a distance, I can see that if I’m right, that makes you wrong. I can see that  underlying fears are the “chief activator of my character defects.” I also listed the positive aspects of the sometimes offending characteristics (I do get things done, which can be an asset), as well as what the healed nature of my core beliefs could be – for example, there truly is enough time, I am safe and don’t need to be in charge of anyone but myself.  So, Step 8 pointed to inventory (4 or 10), which took me to sharing with my sponsor (5), which  sent me back to 3, 7 and 11 – turning it over, asking for continued awareness and the strength to change, seeking knowledge of HP’s will for me and the power to carry that out.

Old behaviors can feel automatic. Case in point – I attended my former home group on Saturday. At the beginning of the meeting, we are advised that the church asks that there be no food or beverages in the room. Heck, I wrote the format. But, there I was, 20 minutes in, opening a power bar without a second thought. I was hungry, I would eat. Even the snap of heads turning towards the crinkling wrapper didn’t bring to mind what I’d heard just minutes earlier. Good grief.

I understand that there are aspects of my character that are simply that – aspects of my character. However, long term recovery doesn’t give me a pass for actions that hurt other’s feelings, or go against the rules, just because I’m hungry, or want to move on to the next thing. My impatience is MY impatience. It always comes back to that. As I was running yesterday, I had the thought that when I do my Step 3 in the morning, I can turn over my character defects as part of “my will and my life.” It felt like a brilliant idea, until I realized, “Oh yeah – that’s called Step 7!”  Humility, remaining teachable, trying to keep an open mind when I want to defend – all challenges for this long-timer who sometimes thinks she has it under control (Argh! There’s that word again!).

Today, and just for today, I will strive to listen more than I talk, to sit still when I want to leave, to be as respectful as I want others to be to me. My sponsor lovingly reminded me that I will make the same mistakes again, that I am, after all, human. And, by doing my level best to practice the principles today (not next week or next month), I am less likely to create situations that require an apology.

What characteristics continue to trip you up? How do you practice pausing in the moment? (that isn’t a rhetorical question – I’d love to see your answers).