The other night I had a dream. I was in France, standing at a fence/barrier overlooking a raging river. I turned around for a conversation with a friend, and when I turned back, the river had reversed direction and was so gentle and smooth that people were swimming in it.
What does it mean? Maybe confirming it's a good idea that friends and I cancelled a long trip planned for July? Maybe a general message that I can exchange inner turbulence/worry for calm? Or maybe it was merely what I call, "Jeanine TV," a mish-mash of random thoughts and memories from the day.
Sometimes dreams are just dreams, and sometimes I tap into the archetypal mind, the collective unconscious where the dream does carry a message. When I was a kid, maybe 8 or 9, our family was driving on the old Santiam Pass from Bend to Portland when our car ran over a boulder. My folks got out to investigate and the car started to roll - just a bit, but it was terrifying for me in the back seat. That feeling, and sometimes dreams, of no one being in the driver's seat followed me into sobriety. And then one night, after many inventories and extended outside help, I had the dream. Me and Dad were in the back seat with the car rolling. I indicated that he should get in front and drive - he shook his head "no," and with just a moment's hesitation, I took over - I drove the car. Just a dream, sure, but at the time (and still) it felt like an internal shift. I am responsible for my safety. I can drive the car.
I've had other meaningful dreams, like asking my ex to stay, him saying he couldn't, and my learning the next morning that he'd just died. I keep pen and paper near the bed to jot notes as soon as I wake up. I learned years ago that if I wake up with wisps of a dream in my mind, hold very still and review the plot, since moving, even in the slightest, will cause the memory to vanish. Like I said, not all dreams mean something, but many do, if I'm paying attention.
I have an on-going text conversation with two close friends and this week, the matter of the questions we ask ourselves came up - the big-ish ones, like "should I take this job?" or "is this the right relationship for me?" to smaller ones, like "should I accept this invitation, take this trip, move?" One friend brilliantly pointed out that perhaps it's a matter of reframing the really BIG questions. For example, instead of asking, "How long before I die?" the more helpful query might be, "How can I best use my remaining time?" My brain often seeks answers, thinking they'll provide insights into concerns that are totally out of my control. Instead of the "what if's" maybe I could re-set to what's here and now. Instead of trying to figure out the unknown, perhaps I could focus on gratitude for what is. My questions are often based in fear of the unknown when what I really wonder is, "At the end, will I feel I've had a good life?" (and if not, what do I need to change to move in that direction?) This one day at a time stuff makes more sense the longer I'm around.
I participate in a small online fellowship meeting, usually all women, that started in the pandemic and has continued. Someone does a "cosmic pick" from the Daily Reflections book and shares. This week, the chair read April 8, "An Inside Look," that says, "I must look inside myself to free myself." For so long I looked outside myself to define myself, looking for answers in the next relationship, my dabbling in organized religion, seeking some sort of structure. I have the structure I need today as guided by the 12 Steps, not as a straitjacket of "musts" but as a framework. Unsure about a decision? Run it through the Steps; reason things out with someone else; put pen to paper. The same things that worked in 1986, 1999, 2016 still work today.
Do you remember your sleeping dreams? Do some of them come in a language that speaks to you of important things? What questions are you asking yourself, or that come up in conversations with friends? How might you re-word the unanswerable ones in order to get at the core concern? What does the structure of your program, your guiding principles, look like in long term recovery?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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