I don't want to write today. I've made a couple of starts, avoiding what I'm really thinking about, which never seems to work. Like we hear in the rooms of recovery, what I don't look at directly will eventually come out sideways, though I don't always realize that at the time. Let me just start out by saying that life can be hard.

Someone I've been close to since I was 15 is facing some tough medical diagnoses. My efforts at writing this afternoon have been interrupted by schedulers for various tests and appointments, each with a list of instructions. Damn it. And damned cigarettes. I'm doing my best to stay in the moment - there is no diagnosis today, and even if there is one on Friday, it will still be Friday and the sun will come up and go down as the heaven's see fit.

Someone else I've known a long time (since 5th grade) is on her end of life journey, choosing to make her transition at home, with friends and family as support. I will sit with her this weekend, not because we've been particularly close over the years, but because that is what friends do. That is what friends do, and as I learned via my mother's experience, kindness matters. Kindness and attention and showing up, even if it is uncomfortable.

We got to visit our home-away-from-home group in San Francisco this week, with another good meeting in Sausilito for good measure. I jokingly referred to myself and my enthusiastic husband as "meeting tourists," not as in "just visiting" but as in loving to connect wherever we go. I can hear the same message in my home meetings, but there is something refreshing about the perspectives I get in new-to-me groups.

In our early morning meeting on Monday, a member shared about walking through the illnesses of several old friends, and his realization that it isn't about him. Several people in the Tuesday nooner talked about the same thing - the pain of losing people, and the lessons of showing up with integrity. It shouldn't, because it happens so often, but I am still amazed that I hear just what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. I may go in to a meeting with arms folded and eyes internally focused on my pain, but I invariably hear someone speaking to exactly what I'm going through. I know that to be true today, and can trust it will be true tomorrow.

One day at a time (the absolute hardest of our program suggestions), I am able to suit up and show up, in good times and in bad. As someone at my regular Wednesday meeting says in the closing, "God grants me the serenity..." - not a request, but an affirmation. Good Orderly Direction, Great Outdoors, Grace Over Drama - my peace of mind comes from within, no matter what is going on around me.

I will admit that the first of those medical calls this morning felt like a kick in the stomach, but by the end of the day, I've moved back to center. I am grateful to be back in our cozy home after a lovely vacation. I am grateful for attentive and kind medical professionals, and insurance. I am grateful that all I really need to concern myself with is this moment. As a counselor in treatment used to say all those years ago, "What time is it? Do you have a place to sleep tonight? Have you had enough to eat today? Well then, stop your bellyaching!" She was definitely a hard-ass, but her point was well-taken, and one I remind myself of, over and over again.

This human existence is marked by high points and low, but I've come to understand it is the small moments that define a life. While our "high point" hike in Marin on Monday was amazing, it was singing "Mairzy Doats and Dozy Doats" in the kitchen over a late supper with my 90 and 80+ year old in-laws that defined our trip, along with goodnight kisses from the tiny nieces and nephew the night before. Today's phone calls were jarring, laced with the foreboding of a low point, but laughing with my friend about this sudden interest in his lungs lightened the mood. If I pay attention to the moments, to the connections, all is well.  I know where I'm sleeping tonight. I've had enough to eat. And tomorrow is another day.

What is on your mind and heart today? Are you called to show up for someone? Or perhaps you are opening to someone showing up for you? How do you remember to let go with love rather than clutch on to fear?