Secrets and ism's

 A meeting this week om the topic of Steps 4/5 evolved into discussion of secrets. and the gratitude of living in such a way that I/we don't need to lie anymore. In talking about childhood, several spoke of family secrets. I don't exactly relate to that. Dad was alcoholic, as was my uncle (and several others) but Mom and his sister talked about it fairly openly and I came to understand it as a sickness, though didn't really understand what that meant. Rather than a secret, I just think that we (me, cousins, close friends) didn't have language to talk about what went on at home. I knew my uncle could be violent and my dad was sad, but emotional maturity and vocabulary would come much later.

Of course I lied as a kid, all the time. I wasn't about to tell Mom about the shoplifting or sneaking out, talking too much in class or in trouble for eating candy when I wasn't supposed to. If I'd had the words, maybe I could've said I felt stifled by the quiet at home, the somber mood with Dad's depression, and that stealing and running around and later drinking made me feel alive. Instead, I fibbed to her, and talked with friends about the TV show we'd just watched, or the cousin's older brothers' cute friends. Honestly talking about how I felt came later, with a few drinks, and even then I was more or less guessing - taking a stab at what I thought was right.

In Speaking of Faith, by Krista Tippett, this journalist and theology student writes about her participation, at a spirituality based institute, sitting around a table with strangers, talking about their truths, and the beauty in sharing honestly and in detail about feelings and spiritual longings. Anyone in 12 Step would say, "Well duh!"  That's what can happen for us in the sacred circle, the imaginary campfire, where we can access our innermost thoughts. Not every time in every meeting of course, but there are times when the room almost levitates with the poignancy of our collective heart-speak. It's like dominoes, with one sharing opening the door for another. Sometimes meeting shares are one's spiel, the pitch, but sometimes I hear the cosmic exhale of capital "T" truth, the truth that brings tears to my eyes whether I directly relate to the topic or not. Being real continues to feel immense. 

I've seen my ism's at work this week with a change of plans for a trip planned later this spring. A couple of people have dropped out, which has me re-thinking my plan, which had me in a bit of a frenzy with "Do something NOW!" before I had all the facts. I am, sometimes quickly, usually slowly, learning to pause and gather information before taking action. By the end of the day's texts, one of the remaining travelers suggested that I do this instead of that, resulting in my "Oh yeah - that's a great idea!" Because I'd waited before acting, I didn't have to try to undo an impulsive decision. Funny how that works.

I can trace that "do it now!" impulse back to growing up with alcoholism - the fear of missing out if the parents change their mind. Related to the family illness or not, I am still not very comfortable with ambiguity, though time and experience has, time and time again, showed me that all will be well, that all is well. And the best piece of advice I've ever received - if it's a good idea today, it will be a good idea tomorrow.  Indeed.

What secrets did you keep, as a child or a practicing alcoholic?  Have you been able to share those with a sponsor or trusted other? Where do your ism''s show up these days? Are you able to take a step back to recognize when you're about to act on an old idea?

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Time for a new year inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table

How important is it?

 My spouse shared on Step 7 at a speaker meeting this week, and 7 will be the focus of my next sponsor meeting, so I'm thinking about "humbly asked" for our defects/unhelpful characteristic/defenses to be removed. 

The higher power that I don't understand does not sit on a cloud with a magic wand, waving my annoying characteristics away. If/when I'm truly inhabiting Step 7 related to a particular way of being, it is very likely that said habit or behavior will be in my face, almost daring me to do the same old thing, or shift my response even 2 or 3%. Awareness, being awake and conscious of how I am in the world is the first component of change. though I can't change based on self-knowledge alone. I also can't change what I don't accept. If I am fighting a particular part of my personality, it is the fight that gets the energy and psychic attention. What might happen if I said, "Ah, here I am again acting impulsively" or judging or whatever it is that comes up? If, as the 7th Step prayer says, "I'm now willing that you have all of me," might that be an acknowledgement of my humanness?   

The Alternative 12-Steps (M. Cleveland and Arlys G) describes Step 7 as  "Work honestly, humbly and courageously to develop our assets and to release our personal shortcomings." To me, "release" is gentle, progress not perfection, one decision at a time - which always comes back to the "pause." Pause ... and beware of the seemingly automatic.

I had the beginning of a funky day last week, setting out to pick up one of my regular cancer patients for her treatment, only to discover a flat tire. Sigh. A flurry of phone calls and texts to let her know, and to get roadside assistance, limping to the tire store for a 2 hour wait, and eventually back into my plans and designs for the day. When working, I used to pause in the parking lot and say, "I wonder how my agenda will be disrupted today?" knowing that it would, because people are people, both staff and clients. I could continue that practice as a retired person. Usually, my days are fairly predictable, and then...  And then, in the grand scheme of things, I have a safe place to sleep and enough to eat; people I love and who love me back; my health and my sobriety. As we ask in Alanon, "How important is it?"

"How important is it?" implies that there are things that matter, Do I allow myself to get quiet in the midst of a frenzy to determine whether I'll be concerned with the particular snafu/worry in 2 years, 2 months, or even 2 weeks? I've mentioned here before that I was instructed to open my "god box" every few years, noting what took care of itself and what is no longer a problem. I'm about due for that process, but will say that the last time I did it, I couldn't even remember some of the thing I'd written down. 

I'm assuming the disruption of the house-siding project will fit in that category, eventually. There are a few small jobs that need doing, but overall, we're done until painters come when the weather warms up. My spouse and I are both creatures of habit, and those habits have been mightily disrupted, with pounding and drilling, sleeping in the guest room, furniture moved around, cats showing their own dis-ease... And, today, all is well, all is quiet.

Speaking of quiet, I ran into our neighbor/homeowner - their rental next door to us has been empty for a few weeks as they make repairs and decide whether to sell or rent again, noting that there was 1800 pounds of trash hauled away. Wow. I'm sure for them, but for us too, it's been a challenge, with roommates coming and going (with and without notifying the rental agent), dogs barking for literally hours whilst their person was away, people here today and replaced the next. I chalk much of it up to urban living, and, there again, stability matters on this street with families, school age kids, and early risers (that would be me),  Definitely Serenity Prayer territory - what, if anything is in my control? Not much, other than perhaps reaching out to the new tenants when they move in. It's a lot easier to say, "Please be quiet" or "can you adjust your parking a few feet" to someone I have even a tiny relationship with, rather than in the heat of the moment if we've never talked. How important is it? And, let it begin with me. Also, stay in the day! Right now the house is empty. Anticipating is not helpful.

Yesterday would've been  my mom's 100th birthday. In honor of that, I took myself to a local cemetery, to visit the Wind Phone, a sort of arty, sort of woo-woo installation - a little open faced structure with an old fashioned pay phone inside - hooked up to nothing, going nowhere, but a real phone to dial the first  number I ever memorized. I cried a little, and laughed a little, and told Mom what I'd been up to, though in my belief system, she'd already know all that. It was sweet, and then I drove to the gas station, carrying on with my day. Grief is more a familiar companion these days, vs the acute loss of  early months. Time does heal - if not completely, at least the jagged edges are smoothed. 

In the midst of an upset, how do you get quiet in order to hear your inner voice of reason? What comes up when you're aware of/practicing Step 7? Where might you apply "How important is it?" today? How have you made friends with your grieving? How can the Steps help that process?

(If interested, search "Wind Phone near me" for one in your area. This started in Japan, but they are in many different locations these days)

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Time for a new year inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table

Accountability

 The Santa with sled and Rudolph I pass on my morning walks was cute in December, but seems a little forlorn as we enter February, though its presence lets me know I'm not the only one who procrastinates. Soon. I'll do it soon.

That "soon" is a reality as I've begun work on Now What II, planned as a collection of earlier posts, categorized and perhaps expanded, with processing questions. I do better when I have a specific goal. "Write" or "exercise your creativity" are too open-ended. I learned long ago that if I waited for inspiration, not much would get done. Writing, as I'm sure are most artistic expression, is about discipline, about taking the time, suiting up and showing up. And sometimes about making one's intention public for the accountability. 

On my walk over the weekend, I ran into an older neighbor, who was headed to an out of town gallery where she shows her paintings. I had no idea! She's in her 80's, and once told me she's hoping for another 10 years. I now have an invitation for a cup of tea to see her work. Inspiring, and a reminder that dreams and goal and inspirations don't have an expiration date. 

Speaking of elders, I visited an older cousin this week, an older cousin who's adult kids don't want the family artifacts she's been lugging around for years. I took the old family Bible and other documents, as we spoke of connections and those long, long gone.. I didn't reproduce, so for me, these are merely stories, though for others in our lineage, are links for their children and grandchildren to connect to the hard working folks who came before. Whenever I even think about whining about nearly anything, I remind myself that I didn't have to milk my own cows or churn my own butter, or keep a fire going through the night in order to get a start on the new day's bread. I have  much to be grateful for.

Speaking of grateful, I joined a couple of grade school pals for lunch last week, catching up, with a fair amount of "I remember when..." I suppose it's inevitable, to be grateful for the times one grew up in - the music, the freedom we enjoyed (and abused?) to run around the neighborhood unsupervised, the simplicity of the pre-tech era. And, I live in the here and now. I can appreciate much of my history, my era, but no one is served by my grousing about how things used to be. It is good to at least try to keep up. For me, that can mean detaching from social media or the "news," or watching an online "how to" tutorial on navigating a particular tech dilemma. It really is ODAT, one decision at a time. 

If procrastination is a characteristic getting your attention this week, what is a small thing you can do to get moving (or to release the "should's"). Are there goals or dreams that you might be thinking of as "I'm too old for that!"? How might you release that energy and move into acceptance of energy available in  the here and now? What tops your gratitude list today? If technology, or lack of knowledge, is a foe, how might you declare a truce?

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Time for a new year inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table.

Learning...

 Just when I start to think that no one is reading these posts, why do I bother, who cares anyway, someone reaches out to say that my words that week mattered. Truthfully, I do this blog as much for me as for the sober public, but it is good to know that I'm not merely blowing in the wind. I know that a blog is somewhat old-school, but I'm a reader, not a podcast person, so this is my venue - for today at least.

The person's comments caused me to think about all the words and bits of program I carry with me, some from members who shared maybe decades ago: It's not the "yet's" that scare me, but the "again's"; If things were supposed to be any other way, they'd be different;  Instead of reaching for a drink, I reached for the phone; Will power will not keep you sober, but want power will. And maybe most important at the time, the old guy who remembered my name and welcomed me when I came to the nooner a second time.

We just never know how our experience can benefit others, whether sharing our good fortune or the painful bits. It was hearing someone say that she drank when her mother died that solidified my intention to stick extra close to the program while my mom was ill. It was a speaker saying that listening is a much a part of the program as sharing our story that helped me release the idea that I had to perform or be brilliant when I shared, that it was ok to sit quietly in the corner. I learn from the people who keep showing up as well as those who wander away, those who share their successes as well as their failures - in other words, from all of it, including the person who goes on and on, or the one I look forward to hearing. 

And that's why I keep coming back - for our individual human drama,  the comedy, the truth that is stranger than fiction. I don't get that level of reality elsewhere - maybe in bits and pieces, but not in such as way as in program where it is our express purpose to share, freely and openly. That used to make me cringe, this baring of one's soul. Cringe but also weep with recognition. Oh yes, I've felt that way too, but didn't have the words to express myself. Thank you AA and Alanon, for expanding my emotional vocabulary.

And thank you for the "more will be revealed" aspect of our programs that can still surprise me, decades into sobriety. As part of an amends process for long ago hurts, a friend shared compassion for her younger self - her younger, intoxicated, unskilled self who made poor decisions that impacted others. As she spoke, it hit me that I've been holding my younger (intoxicated, unskilled) self to today's standards. In so many ways I've forgiven myself, and had extended living amends to both of the people where I do regret the past, and... there is a level of maudlin regret that is a component of my grief. Instead of the self-flagellation I sometimes do when I think about the individuals and the pain I caused, might I instead move to gratitude for lessons learned, and the relationship repair that occurred over time? As with so much of our program, it's about perspective, even the slightest shift. There is a sticky note here on my computer, asking "What else might be true?" I can apply that to a judgement/fear that comes up today and to my sometimes skewed view of the past. 

What is true is that my history contains episodes of joy as well as pain. Even in relationships where I acted out, there was fun and laughter, love and connection.  I got in trouble at school, and earned good grades; I was a stellar employee and called in with the "Monday flu" more times than I'd like to admit. Step 7 references "all of me, good and bad." I might restate that to skilled and unskilled, selfish and selfless, unconscious and awake. However I frame it, we're talking about the whole ball of wax. I haven't yet earned my halo - thank goodness. How boring would that be? 

What program nuggets of wisdom do you carry with you? What keeps you coming back, whether to meetings, the literature, or your own spiritual practice? Have you forgiven yourself for past actions, accepting that the past cannot be changed? If not, how can you broaden your view to see the whole picture, the positive and not so much?

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Time for a new year inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table.