How am I living, today?

 I may have written about this guy before, but I recently saw an online article about Ron Shaich, the founder of Panera and his practice of doing a "pre-mortem," his version of inventory related to aging and thinking about one's end of life. I've read that Buddhists suggest contemplating one's own death regularly. Shaich recommends contemplating one's life, asking whether you'll feel good about how your spent your time, when the end is near. My good friend references that idea when someone we know has passed, saying, "I hope they felt good about how they lived." As I said to another friend, this stuff is no longer academic. I can deny that I'm human, that death is closer than my birth, I can obsess about the end, or I can try for middle ground - aware, realistic, conscious of time passing. If I can't answer "I'm good" to the "Any regrets?" question, is there anything I can do to change my views, my behaviors, my things un-done?

It goes back to the notion of cooperating with reality, which in some ways, points back to the HALTS. Am I tired, either from not sleeping well or just because? Well then, take a nap. Am I hungry, either for healthy food or a healthy conversation? Am I lonely, for people or for my own solitude? Angry (or any intense emotion)? It's so often related to paying attention - not to the triggers in my world, or the world at large (and boy, are there many in the public sphere), but to the still, small voice. Sure, the trigger(s) gets my attention initially, but what is under that? What emotion or longing is trying to get my attention? If I'm fortunate enough to be aware when the end of my life nears, will I be present? Will I have lived with integrity and honesty? Not perfectly, not without the occasional cranky mood or self-centered thought, but generally anchored in the principles of the program? 

I am noticing that I need more time to (metaphorically) catch my breath these days. The days and nights of six things on the agenda just doesn't work anymore. I am naturally energetic, but for a long time in early recovery, part of that was fueled by making up for lost time. As a friend once said, "I got sober to do shit, not just think about doing shit." Yes, and, the definition of "doing" has changed over time. I don't think I'm alone in that. I hear more and more people acutely aware of the passage of time, from a youngster in sobriety to now an old person. I will admit that I tend to think of "old" as someone 5-10 years older than me, but the truth is, I am gratefully old, in both human and recovery years. What am I to do with that?

While reading How it Works in a meeting this week, I thought about a few people in treatment who debated/wondered whether they lacked the capacity to be honest, that maybe they were incapable of being honest with themselves. I doubt they stayed sober, looking for an out before they'd even started. I used to do that - tell myself "I can't" in order to save myself from the embarrassment of failing. Realizing that no one who mattered really cared gave me the courage to take small steps outside my comfort zone, leading to college degrees, marathons, friendships, travel. What are the boundaries of my comfort zone today? No longer two inches from my nose, but what is a restrictive "comfort zone" and what is merely well earned "comfortable?" Again, paying attention. Is fear the underlying driver of my decision, and if so, what am I actually afraid of?  I shared a bit of anxiety about upcoming travel with my sponsor this week, and she essentially said, "It will be what it will be." Oh, right. Me worrying will not impact the outcome, whatever it is I'm concerned about. Turn it over. Get out of the way. Get on with today. 

What might be on your "pre-mortem" inventory? Are there any amends that need doing or conversations waiting to be had? What is that one thing you'd regret not doing/seeing/experiencing were it all to end tomorrow?  (and if there's nothing on that list, congratulations)  How are you getting to know your aging self? What fears and/or joys pop up when you speak about it? How does acceptance play a part in getting older?

 * * * * *

Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table

Judgements

 Oh man. I hate to admit this, but I got scammed by a fake, but authentic sounding, WhatsApp message regarding a hotel reservation in Italy next month. The good news is that almost immediately after entering my credit card info, I thought, "Wait a minute!" and called the booking site. Sigh. Yes, they said, we will never ask for your credit card info in that manner. More good news is that I called the bank and they cancelled my credit card while letting me know about their "no fraud liability" protection, so nothing would've been charged. But still. Me, who prides myself on being scam-savvy, fell for the ask. Sleepy, in a bit of a hurry, alarmed by the "act within 24 hours or lose your reservation."  Reminder to self - buyer beware, and always check the original source (i.e. if the "bank" phones, hang up and call them yourself). Living and learning, while being so very frustrated and angry at those who'd take advantage of others' good and trusting natures. 

And, always a good reminder to check my judgements because invariably, when I've thought, "Oh, I'd never do that/fall for that/make that mistake" there I am, making the mistake. That reminds me of a conversation 35-40 years ago with someone who said they'd NEVER be with a married guy, and not six months later, found themselves in the back seat of a married guy's car, having at it. Beware the Ides of "I shall never..."  Especially in early recovery we could sometimes be a bit holier than thou. It took awhile to understand that people are people, that some folks get sober without AA, the different strokes for different folks business (and thank you Alanon for ongoing lessons), and that not everyone behaves in the way I think they should.

We went to our in-person home group this week with a full house, including a few fellows from sober living. A person took a 30 day coin at the start of the meeting, and later, a fellow shared who'd been sober since 1972. I chatted with him after, about the miracles of long-term recovery, and how I never dreamed I'd keep coming back all these years. I don't know what I thought would happen, but happy, joyous and free in the long run wasn't part of it. 

I saw my oncologist this week for my every-six-months check-up. All good, but how odd it feels to say, "my oncologist." Again, not something I'd ever imagined, and here I am, joining the ranks of what almost seems like a rite of passage - cancer survivor (or other medical diagnosis warrior). It's been three years now for me, five for my spouse, and I'm very aware we are the fortunate ones, first of all to have responded to treatment positively (yay early detection) and most of all, to have the tools of recovery to guide us through the sometimes scary, sometimes lonely walk - and only lonely until I say something and discover all the "me too" people out there, some further along the path and others just beginning. Again and always, so grateful for community.

On another note, I subscribe to a weekly email called "Sermons on the Couch," kind of like this blog but not recovery focused. This week, the author quoted Samriddh Dasgupta, speaking to our need for quiet, as saying, "We've normalized overconsumption. Podcasts while walking. Doom-scrolling on the toilet. Netflix while eating. Something is always filling the silence. We're becoming scared of our own thoughts. Our minds have no breathing space. We're feeling groggy and mentally exhausted. Of course we are. Our brains never get a break. Boredom is the cure." 

I don't plug in earbuds while walking, and do have periods of silence during the day (usually) but I will admit to fear of "boredom," thinking of the old adage, "If you're bored, it means you are boring." But I don't think that's what the author is getting at. Boredom in this sense isn't about sitting around bemoaning that I have nothing to do. I see it more as being OK with non-productivity, leaving space for the intuitive or creative thought. It's definitely taken time to release my grip on the To Do list. Oh, I do have one, but I'm not feeling like a failure at the end of the day if I haven't "done" anything measurable (and my definition of measurable can shift from week to week). A few years ago, I told myself it was OK if I had my mother's retirement, her of routines and phone calls and road trips. I now realize she likely didn't feel well long before she told us so, hence her daily games of solitaire at the kitchen table, and she was definitely a creature of habit. My habits are different, but "Hi Mom" I do come by them naturally. 

So, 4th month, perhaps 4th Step? Where might I benefit from inventory? For no particular reason, it does feel a bit like the ground is shifting beneath my feet. A good friend recovering from a medical emergency, a big trip canceled, spouse planning retirement and a medical adventure (knee replacement), the big house projects done, for now...  Step 4, yes, and always, Steps 3 and 11  - making a decision while remembering none of it is in my ultimate control. If my idea is true, that long term recovery is about conscious contact and taping into my spiritual source, how do I actually practice that, especially when it can so often feel like the days get away from me? Step 10 isn't just the wrong I do others, but sometimes, perhaps, the pressures I put on myself, whether that's my calendar or my old ideas around perfection. One day at a time, one decision at a time - which could be the decision to either step it up, or lighten up. 

How do you get to self-forgiveness if/when you've made a mistake? What judgements, of yourself or others, gets in the way of your serenity? If you over-consume (noise, news, food) or over-schedule, what is one small change you can try this week to invite in peace?

* * * * * *

Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table

A Day Early...

I'm posting a day early with a friend coming in to town and our plan to hit the ground running tomorrow. OK, hit the ground hiking, but you know what I mean...

 When I think of my growing up years, the little kid time, what comes up is freedom - climbing to the top of a very tall pine tree (with my mother, trying to stay calm, saying "Come on down honey."), flying down this or that hill on my bike, sometimes with a cousin on both the handlebars and back fender, the freedom of sneaking around, up and down the wood chute, or into the older cousin's room, climbing on roofs... I also found freedom in books - reading about faraway places and adventurous girls and boys.

And then came puberty, along with alcohol use, and the extreme bondage of self that characterized my teen years and beyond. There is a stage of adolescent development that includes the "invisible audience", the feeling that everyone is paying attention to you. They aren't, but you couldn't have convinced me of that. Barely existent self-esteem plus thinking everyone was judging me equaled fertile ground for alcoholism. 

In recovery, I got to rediscover freedom - freedom from addiction but also freedom to explore what it meant to be "me", freedom to try things I'd not let myself even imagine, freedom to become who I was perhaps meant to be all along. Some things took, others not, but the point was I had the new-found courage to check it out. Running, now walking long distances took. Team sports never did. I'd long thought about re-learning the piano. Never did.

I recently watched part of an interview with Gloria Steinem, now 92, talking about freedom that comes with aging, when you "outgrow the expectations" of earlier life. I've read that too - that in older adulthood we can return to things that brought us joy as children, before hormonal imperatives took us hostage. I probably shouldn't climb a tall tree or on the neighbor's roof, but I do still check them out. 

With a good friend in from out of town, I won't be hitting my regular meetings, but all our social engagements are with sober people. I've likely said this before, but lifelong friendships are not what I expected out of getting sober. Program friends that have lasted through the years, as well as relationships from school and after years. We had Easter with my sister-from-another-mother and her brood. I took the opportunity to pass on a little vase that someone gave my mother when I was born to my faux-nephew and his very pregnant girlfriend. Keeping it in the family, while the beat goes on.

What comes to mind when you think of your growing up years? Pleasant memories, or not so much? How about today? What freedoms do you enjoy that you hadn't known would be part of long term recovery? 

* * * * * *

Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table

Decisions/Acceptance

 A dear friend has recently been instructed by a medical professional to stop driving. Ouch. In some ways, that is a validation of something she has suspected for awhile now, but in another way - boy howdy, here is Aging with a capital "A". Again and again, we just never know how or when life on life's terms will show up.

In a discussion of that life on life's terms business, we talked about a softening of the internal armor, that "gird your loins!" of younger years when life was often viewed as a battle. I've notice that in myself - a new cooperation with reality, as another friend terms it. There is less struggle today. I may not like what is going on, but the reflex of fighting everything and everyone is barely a whimper anymore. 

In a meeting this week, someone spoke to our slogans as doorways, and what might happen were they to walk on through. I love that image, especially as I sat in front of a placard that read, "Keep it Simple." What might I see if I walked through that door? What would be the atmosphere, the aura of keeping it simple? Perhaps, while not letting go of my calendar, a more expansive and relaxed way of interacting with my days? Maybe breathing and allowing spiritual space between commitments rather than rushing from one thing to another? Maybe simply sitting in the garden after I've put down the trowel? Honestly, my schedule doesn't change all that much from week to week, but my relationship to it sure does. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Other times, I'm grateful for a full life. What is the difference? I wish I knew, because I prefer happy, joyous and free. 

What I will say is that the last three meetings I've been in have touched on aging, as in aging and acceptance. This is definitely an area where I can give up control, because I never had it! I'm  not powerless over how I choose to take care of myself, this physical body. I am powerless over genetics, and most of the environmental factors that contribute to my health, or lack thereof, as well as random blips that seem to come out of nowhere. As with all things, it is one day at a time, trusting I'll be given what I need to walk through whatever comes my way (which is a lot easier in theory, or in retrospect).

My cousin has reached the faraway island nation where she's been called to serve. I may not follow the same path as that part of the family, but I do understand the feeling of a calling, of a desire I just can't shake. For me it was working in treatment. After participating in a group session while I was in treatment with a Viet Nam vet, who, for the first time, talked/sobbed about what he'd been a part of when "in country," and the visible lightness after he'd dropped that burden, I thought, "I want to be a part of this." I had a similar feeling about wanting to walk on the Great Wall of China, writing my novel, as well as doing the Camino, not wanting to spend a lifetime thinking, "What if I'd....?"  Not that going on a long walk is the equivalent of a career choice or writing a book, but my belief  is that my true heart's desire(s) will find a way to make themselves known, with the path forward illuminated. 

I also know about the doubt that this family member has voiced. This doesn't feel good - did I make the right decision? How am I supposed to know? My counsel was to keep breathing and give it six months, much like I'd advise someone in a new job. Of course it feels awkward - you've never done this before. And I love it when I can drop some AA wisdom on people, like "Don't make any major decisions" right off the bat. Transitions are real. Transitions take time, no matter how much I think I "should" be able to immediately adjust to changed circumstance. 

Good reminders as I contemplate "I've been sober a long time - now what?" What is it that brings me joy? What quiet thought or feeling is nudging me one direction or another? What lurking "but you're supposed to..." nips at my heels?  I don't have answers today, and that's OK. I'll not drink and go to meetings. I'll maintain my volunteer activity. I'll get my hands in the dirt. I'll walk. And, I'll take a deep breath when  I feel myself veer towards "figure it out" mode. 

How does acceptance fit in your life today? What slogan speaks to you as far as walking through the door, and what would that feel like? Are there areas where your psyche would benefit from taking it easy?

* * * * * *

Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table