History

 One of my daily readers this week made the distinction between "have to" and "get to," as in, I'm sober now so I get to go to my job vs "Ugh. I have to go to work." Goes back to the "remember when you wanted what you now have." As someone in a meeting recently said, "I used to spend rent money on cocaine and now I own a home." Indeed. I have to vacuum and clean house vs I get to host a good friend coming to stay for a few days. Closely related is the whole idea of choice. Running a race once, a few miles from the finish someone held up a sign: Remember, you chose this! Ah yes. I used to supervise a person who, nearly daily, shared that she didn't like her job and didn't like the agency. Listening to her rants got old. Sure, sometimes people need to keep a job they don't like in order to survive, but if you hate it that much, look for something else (or at least stop grousing). I can remember than when/if I'm tempted to complain about something I have a choice about. 

I got together with friends I've known since grade school for our monthly "old codgers" date, with conversations veering between medical procedures, travel, music and traffic, deciding that back in the day we mostly talked about boys and weed (Who has it? Where can we get it?). Looking around the table, three of us are sober (three are "normies"), a couple have hearing aids, one is a widow, three cancer survivors, two are grandmas...  And back in the day, we would've been sitting cross-legged in the park, passing a joint and a bottle of Bali Hai. I so appreciate our history.

Another good friend had a sober-versary last week. As I told them, I love their story, and that they lived to tell the tales. Probably all of us have points in our story where we think, "Oh, that could've gone really badly" yet here we are, getting old, reasonably healthy, sober. And then a dear man I know, but don't see often enough, celebrated 51 years sobriety at our in-person home group this weekend. Wow! We are definitely the fortunate ones - the ones who've stayed sober, who didn't die of AIDS or at the end of a syringe or in a car accident, the ones who've been given this gift of a life longer than would've been expected.. 

I saw my Primary Care Physician this week for a general check up, which involved a blood draw. I very much appreciate how phlebotomy has evolved. 40 years ago, those nurses insisted on trying for a vein in the traditional spots, despite my saying, "That's not going to work. No really, please trust me" after the third poke. These days I can say, "You may not like it, but this is the vein you need to use," and they say, "OK. Thanks for letting me know." It was funny, this time, when I told the person I was 40 years clean, he asked, "So what were you doing 40 years ago?" and we had a little conversation about recovery. 30-40 years ago I was more embarrassed and ashamed. Now, it's merely a part of my history.

Speaking of history, all this 4th of July stuff reminds me of when I left my first husband and moved back (temporarily) into my old bedroom. My brother showed up one day with a copy of the Declaration of Independence, insisting I was declaring my own independence, and that I had the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (he's a good egg).My pursuit of what I thought was happiness ended up leading me to some very dark places and I appreciated his support for the decision to leave that marriage. (and I'm glad that part of early recovery included redefining "fun" and "happiness" ) 

Has your definition of happiness changed at all over the years? How might you look at your days differently if you reframed "have to" to "get to?" How do you recognize your freedom of choice today?

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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table

Willingness

 A sponsee and I read Step 3 in the 12x12 last week with its focus on willingness. I used to struggle with the idea of willingness, which can seem nebulous. You're either doing or not doing, right?  And remember how we prayed to be willing to be willing? So many mental gyrations in early recovery, often looking for an out, a back door, a way to sneak in a little self will...  And then, later that day, a young woman with maybe 6 months sobriety phoned, reaching out because her sponsor told her to call women on the meeting list. Willingness personified. 

What does willingness look like for me in long term recovery? A few weeks ago it meant following the lead of a group member who'd set up an accountability text chain related to her intention to back away from social media. I jumped on the bandwagon and used the group for accountability related to sugar, as in "just because I'm out of town doesn't mean I need to dive into chocolate," texting them from outside the candy store in Seaside while my spouse went in. It worked - imagine that!

I came across a note where I jot down things heard in meetings that I want to hang on to: Remember when you wanted what you have now?  Yes, I do remember. I remember in the way-back time machine, while married to my first husband, thinking about taking classes at the community college, growing tomatoes and having friends that were mine, not just his buddies' wives. Years later, when that simple dream had come true, looking forward to being done with college so I could read books for pleasure. I remember longing for retirement, when the only things on my schedule were those I'd chosen. Check and check. I can sometimes feel my life is too busy, or not busy enough; that I "should" be doing more, that after this or that happens, life will calm down or resume. As I've read, this is life - this doing laundry and reading the news, weeding the garden, planning a trip and taking a trip, sitting on the couch to watch my show, and yes, long and interesting conversations with like-minded others, meetings, my volunteer stuff, walking in the neighborhood. There is no "out there" when "life" will begin or settle down. There is a definite end, but no crystal ball. This very moment is what it is, this very moment of hearing a song from the 1970's that transports me back, this very moment of exchanging texts with my stepdaughter, this very moment of feeding the cats. I've often said I wish I'd paid more attention when I was younger, not realizing how quickly time would pass. Well, hello - that applies today just as much if not more so. Pay attention. Live in this moment. Appreciate the small wonders, like the zinnia seeds I planted a month ago now reaching green shoots towards the sun, the look on my spouse's face when he comes through the door at the end of his workday, my brother calling to share something funny, "good morning" texts from two good friends, rain. As Bonnie Raitt sings (Nick of Time) "Life gets mighty precious when there's less of it to waste." 

4th of July coming up here in the US. I'm not going to dive into "what does it even mean?!" What it means, superficially, is that summer is finally here, and that there will likely be very loud, illegal fireworks in the neighborhood. I will put in earplugs and try to sleep at my regular time, after helping our cats feel safe with the noise. As I wrote about last week, I'll contemplate the freedoms I am privileged to enjoy as a sober person (it won't be me with a hangover on July 5th).

What does willingness look like for you today? Do you remember when you wanted the life that you now have? How can you remind yourself to pay attention to the here and now?

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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a tabl

Freedom

A recent meeting focused on the topic of freedom - all the freedoms we gain by putting down the bottle and the bag (and efforts to control other people - that's a tough one!). I've long thought of it as freedom from the insanity of the disease - the hangovers, driving drunk, making decisions based on the next drink - as well as freedom to explore what I might want to do in the world, like go to school, throw a sober party, go for a hike... At first that freedom felt expansive - the whole world had opened up and so much of it felt new and exciting as I left the basement meth lab for road trips and sober dances and into-the-night conversations about this way of life. These days, freedom is definitely one of my values and what I appreciate, and it is quieter, gentler. Today I value the freedom to say "no" to some requests and "yes" to others. I value the freedom and privilege of reasonably good health  and living within my means, the freedom of choice in many areas, big and small. 

And as I recently heard others say, freedom emanates from our design for living. With the Steps as my guide, I don't need to question every single decision. Not always automatically, but the signposts are there. It's only in hindsight I realize I was hungry for structure, an instruction manual. I got the basic rights and wrongs growing up, I know I was loved, our home was fairly consistent as far as dinner on the table and holiday traditions, and as I made my way in the world, drinking and drugging and the resulting hangovers disrupted any sense of the structure I craved. I tried, thinking of times I'd attempt to go through the motions, eventually giving up any pretense of regularity. It's not like that was a conscious decision, and not like I knew myself enough to understand how I best operated in the world. But, there I am, going to bed as the sun came up (oh how I hated the morning birdsong), coming to at noon or later, drinking a protein shake thinking it made me healthy. 

Today I know what keeps me healthy, emotionally and physically. That doesn't mean I don't veer into the dark forest (self-centered fear, pride, ice cream) but it's easier to find my way back. As one of my sponsors brilliantly put it, "It's not all about me, but it is all about me," and my choices. How free do I want to be?

I will say that my new daily 10th Step practice has been eye-opening. Many days are neutral - nothing especially positive or negative, just a day. But/and some days my defenses/defects/characteristics are front and center, the same characteristics I've likely had since I was a kid. Lack of power, that was my dilemma, but too often I forget that, which can show up as judgement, impatience, or the ever-present bossiness. As my first sponsor might've asked, "What are the patterns? What are the motives?" Where have I anointed myself as the one who is "right" when perhaps it's my own self-righteousness that could benefit from a deeper look, an acceptance of responsibility for my side of the street?  As I used to hear in meetings, I no longer have a drinking problem, but I do have a thinking problem! Relieve me of the bondage of self, oh please!

What are the freedoms you enjoy today, whether freedom from or freedom to? What are the practices that move you towards good health, whether mental, emotional or physical? Are you able to cut yourself some slack if you falter? What characteristics do you continue to bump up against? How do you balance between efforts at change and self acceptance?

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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table

Dreaming...

 The other night I had a dream. I was in France, standing at a fence/barrier overlooking a raging river. I turned around for a conversation with a friend, and when I turned back, the river had reversed direction and was so gentle and smooth that people were swimming in it. 

What does it mean? Maybe confirming it's a good idea that friends and I cancelled a long trip planned for July? Maybe a general message that I can exchange inner turbulence/worry for calm? Or maybe it was merely what I call, "Jeanine TV," a mish-mash of random thoughts and memories from the day.

Sometimes dreams are just dreams, and sometimes I tap into the archetypal mind, the collective unconscious where the dream does carry a message. When I was a kid, maybe 8 or 9, our family was driving on the old Santiam Pass from Bend to Portland when our car ran over a boulder. My folks got out to investigate and the car started to roll - just a bit, but it was terrifying for me in the back seat. That feeling, and sometimes dreams, of no one being in the driver's seat followed me into sobriety. And then one night, after many inventories and extended outside help, I had the dream. Me and Dad were in the back seat with the car rolling. I indicated that he should get in front and drive - he shook his head "no," and with just a moment's hesitation, I took over - I drove the car. Just a dream, sure, but at the time (and still) it felt like an internal shift. I am responsible for my safety. I can drive the car. 

I've had other meaningful dreams, like asking  my ex to stay, him saying he couldn't, and my learning the next morning that he'd just died. I keep pen and paper near the bed to jot notes as soon as I wake up. I learned years ago that if I wake up with wisps of a dream in my mind, hold very still and review the plot, since moving, even in the slightest, will cause the memory to vanish. Like I said, not all dreams mean something, but many do, if I'm paying attention. 

I have an on-going text conversation with two close friends and this week, the matter of the questions we ask ourselves came up - the big-ish ones, like "should I take this job?" or "is this the right relationship for me?" to smaller ones, like "should  I accept this invitation, take this trip, move?" One friend brilliantly pointed out that perhaps it's a matter of reframing the really BIG questions. For example, instead of asking, "How long before I die?" the more helpful query might be, "How can I best use my remaining time?" My brain often seeks answers, thinking they'll provide insights into concerns that are totally out of my control. Instead of the "what if's" maybe I could re-set to what's here and now. Instead of trying to figure out the unknown, perhaps I could focus on gratitude for what is. My questions are often based in fear of the unknown when what I really wonder is, "At the end, will I feel I've had a good life?" (and if not, what do I need to change to move in that direction?) This one day at a time stuff makes more sense the longer I'm around. 

I participate in a small online fellowship meeting, usually all women, that started in the pandemic and has continued. Someone does a "cosmic pick" from the Daily Reflections book and shares. This week, the chair read April 8, "An Inside Look," that says, "I must look inside myself to free myself." For so long I looked outside myself to define myself, looking for answers in the next relationship, my dabbling in organized religion, seeking some sort of structure. I have the structure I need today as guided by the 12 Steps, not as a straitjacket of "musts" but as a framework. Unsure about a decision? Run it through the Steps; reason things out with someone else; put pen to paper. The same things that worked in 1986, 1999, 2016 still work today.

Do you remember your sleeping dreams? Do some of them come in a language that speaks to you of important things? What questions are you asking yourself, or that come up in conversations with friends? How might you re-word the unanswerable ones in order to get at the core concern? What does the structure of your program, your guiding principles, look like in long term recovery?

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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table