Here and Now

 I'm re-reading The Grace in Aging, by Kathleen Dowling Singh, seeing if the pages I marked when I was 60 are still relevant today. Not always, but sometimes when I read spiritual or self-help-ish books, I need to remind myself that I have the benefit of the 12 Steps and years of inventory - much to learn, yes, and I'm not starting from zero.

What did jump out at me was the question, "What is the most meaningful use of this time in my life?" as we, as I, move closer to death. I didn't have children, and my stepdaughter has indicated (at this point anyway) that we may not become grandparents. One of the developmental tasks of later adulthood, besides getting comfortable with loss and grieving, is the whole piece about legacy, which for many has to do with passing on the DNA. (The whole topic of how milestones and markers of adulthood are different for those of us who didn't reproduce was what prompted my Master's thesis).  

I have a small following for this blog, the workbook and my novel, but nothing that will likely be remembered years from now, and isn't that ok? Might the whole idea of leaving a legacy be largely that of the ego, the desire to not be forgotten? My charming brother, when we spoke of not having kids, reminded me that in a generation or two, offspring or not, we'll merely be a photo in an album - "Now what was her name?"

And so what about the here and now? What is the most meaningful us of my time today? Years ago, a friend said that one could do good without being a "do-gooder" (she turned her helper-gene toward our local community radio station). Our program encourages service, which these days I read as at group level (or higher, if that's your thing) but also in the greater world. And, lessons I take from Alanon have to do with not over-extending, not saying "yes" when "no" might be more appropriate, being mindful of balance. 

What if my "legacy" is related to leaving a tidy, decluttered house for whoever has to clean up after me? That's something my mother worried about, and boy, was there some cleaning up to do after 50 years in the same house. I was grateful for the boxes of letters and old photos, to a point, and could see where I got the tendency to stockpile paper products. Not much keeps me up at night, but I do shudder to think that if something happened to both my spouse and myself, said unsentimental brother would hire a dumpster for all those items big and small that might mean something personally, but not really to anyone else. 

Something else Singh reminds me of is that "the moment that changed everything" usually arrives unannounced. I'm thinking of an AA guy, Ronnie, who died a few years ago in an auto accident; another friend whose adult child died suddenly; my husband getting a cancer diagnosis the day after our annual holiday party several years ago... I heard in a meeting long, long ago, "Always be on guard for the unguarded moment." Not walking around with fists clenched and my doctor's office on speed dial, but more about getting/staying centered so that when the unexpected happens, I can return to balance without too much flailing about. 

We had a pleasant enough time at the International, hitting several off-schedule meetings, upset that I couldn't get into a room that had filled up, time with friends from near and far, a chance to practice the principles in the crowd and when my HALTs were out of whack (sometimes gracefully and sometimes not). I loved the Old-Timers meeting - all 12 with over 50 years sober Their shares have me questioning my own dedication. Am I dialing it in, or actively participating? It's one thing to cut myself some slack; another to rest on my laurels. Going back to the "What's the best use of my time" question, who do I want to be in this world as I approach 40 years (!) sobriety?  More will be revealed as I reached out to a potential AA sponsor, and connected with an Alanon newcomer (dual member) this week. Funny, how putting something out to the Universe so often results in a specific reply, not always on my schedule, but the answers are there if I wait, and pay attention.

What is the most meaningful use of your time, right now, today, or in this phase of your life? Are you living your values? What do you think of as your legacy? When you slow down and listen for the still, small voice, what is your inner wisdom telling you?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. 

A day early...

 I'm posting a day early this week, as we're heading up to Vancouver, BC for the AA International Convention. I've been to every once since getting sober: Seattle 1990, San Diego 1995, Minneapolis 2000, Toronto 2005, San Antonio 2010 and Atlanta 2015. Like so many of us, I was ready for Detroit in 2020, but the pandemic had other ideas. My husband and I did visit Intergroup there in 2022 and have the t-shirt to prove it!

We hope to see friends in Vancouver that we usually just see on Zoom. I think it was in Minneapolis where one of the long-timers shared that what kept him coming back was "the love-vibe of the people." I relate to the joy I see on fellow attendee's faces as we make our way through various cities over the years, standing in long lines for coffee, holding hands for the Serenity Prayer with 40-60,000 of my peers. Talk about an infusion! I look forward to workshops and speaker meetings, both AA and Alanon, and simply soaking up the positive energy.

I'm at one of those lulls where I'm evaluating my meeting schedule and life in general, as in what is feeding me and what isn't. I can be very habitual, which isn't a bad thing when related to program, but when I start to feel an internal groan about a particular group, whether related to content or even the drive there, I know it's time to perhaps mix it up, or to take a look at my expectations. Am I looking at what I receive, or what I can pack into the stream of life? For me, meetings need to be a bit of both.  Conferences can be good in that way - a chance to soak in program (and put principles to work with big crowds) and reignite my passion, ODAT.

So, safe travels to all who'll convene in Vancouver, whether you're coming by plane, train or automobile. Hope to see you there! Hope to see you there, and I do understand that conferences are something of a niche within AA. Some like them, some don't. I'm grateful for the "all inclusive" aspect of our 12-Step programs, as in "take what you like and leave the rest."

A friend recently sent me the huge volume, The Writing of the Big Book."  I'm slowly wading my way through, some a bit dry, but some fascinating, especially in the context of there being not much other than lobotomy and the ice bath cure before AA.  It is interesting to read that as the book was being written, Bill W. felt that a person needed a spiritual experience in order to get sober, while Hank P. just as firmly believed that it was sobriety and changed behavior that led to a Higher Power. I used to wonder about that - did "god" bring me to AA, or did AA bring me to "god," back when I wanted to put god in a box of a firm definition. I've always loved my friend's definition of "god as I don't understand it." Indeed. If I could understand the powers in the universe, I would need them. I will say that my ideas about a higher power have shifted and changed many times over the years, and today I'm less inclined to worry about the particulars. To me, HP shows up in the warmth of people in meetings, or the smile shared with a fellow walker on my route, the small acts of kindness I see in my own life or read about in the news (I try to steer myself to positive reports rather than the doom and gloom that sells). As I've read in one publication or another, "God is a feeling, not a thing." 

Whether you're a conference go-er or not, how do you experience the "love vibe of the people" you meet in AA or in the greater world? How do you re-evaluate when life or program feels a bit stale? How would you describe your higher power today, if you were to describe it at all?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Note that I will have a supply with me at the Convention in Vancouver, BC this week

Life on life's terms

 I just spent a few days in Chicago with my good friends and travel buddies, once more recognizing what a gift it is to have compatible travel companions with similar interests, endurance and tastes in coffee and food. Until we meet again...

In the "small world" connections department, I learned while away about a friend whose dementia has increased to the point that she requires 24/7 care. Both her mother and a sister had Alzheimer's, so for years she worried about her own trajectory, and here she is. The only solace, for me, is that she has caring family looking out for her, and before the disease took hold, she had a rich and active life. She and I traveled to China, Ireland, Paris and NYC with other friends, participated in biking weekends and hiking adventures, and countless AA meetings and gatherings. I have no idea if those memories are still with her, but they are with me, and I'll always think of her quirky spirit and sense of humor. And here is yet one more reminder that you just never know.

While away I had a bit of traveler's tummy, so opened up "Pocket Pepto" Bismol (which used to be my morning beverage in the drinking days!). One of the uses is for "upset stomach due to overindulgence in food and drink." Bingo. Why is it so darned easy to "overindulge" while away from home? Well, lack of a kitchen for one, and, for me, a bit of peer pressure/peer enjoyment - I rarely eat ice cream at home, for example. Apparently I'm not alone. A medical email I get regularly just listed "15 healthy foods to eat after a binge." Geez-Louise. Our culture seems to both encourage and chastise over-doing it, at least in the food department, which can be tough for those of us with addictive personalities (as well as slowing metabolisms). And, here I am back home to my usual routines, once more seeing how I only "cheat" on myself when I throw caution to the wind.

The notation of "overindulgence" did make me think of the places where I do, or might, over-do, whether with food or caffeine, television (though I'm not much of a binge watcher), obsessive thinking, staying up later than is good for me... The whole deal about recovery is reining in those "instincts gone awry," which can and have been a problem well into sobriety. One day at a time, I can evaluate my choices, knowing that sometimes, ice cream or cupcakes enjoyed with friends on vacation is a very OK decision, while most time, a piece of fruit serves me better.

Beings as it is June, I've been thinking about Step 6 and those pesky characteristics that can put a wedge between me and others, especially the self-centered fear that triggers my anxiety and attempts to control. At this stage, the effort to control people, places or things is often more subtle than overt, but it's definitely there. How do I continue my attempts to pause, even if I don't necessarily feel agitated or doubtful? How about simply "pause" as a way of being? I used to joke that I should have "pause" tattooed on my inner forearm as a reminder. Do I really need a visual cue, or can I utilize self-discipline? I often hear "Listen to your heart" or "Pay attention to your gut," which implies being quiet enough to hear the still, small voice, which doesn't always happen at the split second I'm being challenged to choose a thoughtful response. I'm not blaring through life like a bumper car, but there are places I can take a look at myself and my behaviors, which is the whole point of Steps 6,7 and 10. I'm so glad that recovery is an ongoing process, and thus I say, "Onward!"

Are there places you overindulge that would be better served by restraint? How do you practice self-discipline without being rigid? How do you apply Step 6 and 7 in your life as a person with long-term recovery?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And note that I will have a supply with me at the AA International Convention in Vancouver, BC in July. Can't wait!

 

What do I truly want?

 I just read a book review that started with "What do I truly want?", a guide for those who might be in jobs or relationships that don't make their heart sing, or otherwise feel at a stalemate. What do I truly want? What indeed?

I want peace on earth, goodwill towards all living creatures. I want the US government to make good on treaties signed with Native American peoples under duress. I want to feel proud of my country, my state, my city. I want to know that differences of opinion about our country, our state, or our city doesn't mean we can't be friends or have civil conversations. I want everyone, everywhere to be able to go to sleep at night without fear and with a full belly. I want glaciers to stop melting. I want business and political leaders to put people and planet before profits.

I want our zucchini plants to produce this year (why am I the only person I know who can't grow zucchini?!). I want the new neighbors across the street to be friendly and the young people next door to be quiet at night. I want my baby brother to get some sort of cosmic gold star for being so loyal to his wife as her dementia worsens. I want all those I drive to their radiation and chemo appointments to sail through treatment with positive outcomes. I want the laundry to fold itself. I want my parents to know that I love them and I'm sorry that in the years of "recovery/discovery" I blamed them for my today's woes. 

I want to live to be a healthy 100, ODAT. I want to grow old with my spouse. I want my stepdaughter's dreams to come true, even the ones she doesn't know yet. I want the new woman in our meeting this week to keep coming back, to catch the fire that is recovery. I want to see the world - not all of it, but those places that whisper to me, especially those that say, "Please come back."

I want to be consistently confident in my abilities - to navigate in new cities and countries, to know when to speak and when to not. How to both enjoy the ice cream and say "no" to food I that doesn't actually feed me. I want to go to sleep at night knowing I did my reasonable best, whether that was out and about, or reading an engaging book, and if I didn't do my best, that I made amends where needed. And at the end of it all, I want to rest easy, knowing I fully participated in my life.

This list shifts and changes over time, sometimes day-to-day, but I want to stay tuned to my joy-meter - what makes my heart sing. Obviously, not every task or every situation calls for bells ringing, but on the whole, I seek contentment and the ability to pay attention when that feels missing.

Something I've realized this past week is that I haven't yet connected to being 70. Someone was saying, "My 30's were great," to which I added, "The 40's and 50's were good too. So are the 60's," catching myself on the "are" great vs "were" great. I am no longer in my 60's and that reality hasn't quite caught up to my psyche. But then again, what is "70" supposed to feel like (or 50's or 60's for that matter)? My mother at 70 seemed old. while my father-in-law in his 80's seemed young. Does it really matter how I feel about my age? I certainly don't fight it. I'm semi-amused at having grown old, though I've been told I don't act my age (again, whatever that means). ODAT I can focus on the here and now, releasing labels and "should's" as I go along. Sure, I've got a bit of arthritis in my hands, and yeah, my knees are sometimes creaky, but I'm of the "use it or lose it" mindset, so I'll keep using it until I can't anymore.

Along those lines, I'm on a quick adventure to Chicago with my travel buddies - a baseball game (Go Cubs!) and the Institute of Art on the docket, exploring a city I haven't been to in decades, with someone who grew up there. This week marks the 5th anniversary of retirement. Will my months and years always be filled with travel? Probably not, but this year I'm enjoying the heck out of it. And while too often these days it feels like the world is going crazy, I do my best to take a deep breath and be part of the solution where I may.

What is on your list, today, of "What I truly want..."?  What makes your heart sing in the here-and-now? If you're retired, is it turning out how you'd hoped? If working, what do you look forward to in your retirement years? Does your inner life match your physical age? How has it felt to hit those milestone years?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Note that I will have a supply with me at the AA International Convention in Vancouver, BC in July. Can't wait!