I attended a thought-provoking meeting last week, on the topic of "To thine own self be true," a quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet that has been adopted and printed on many AA anniversary medallions. The full quote ends with "And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." So, honesty with myself, first and foremost, and if I'm honest with myself, I can't very well be dishonest with you - if I want to sleep at night.
Neither my spouse or I shared in the meeting, so we had our own "meeting after the meeting," discussing what was triggered for us. Like several in the group, I had no idea what "self" I was to be true to when I first got sober. Many years prior, the meth cook boyfriend had described me as practical. I am very practical, but at the time, hearing that felt foreign. I had little connection to my own spirit. I may have thought I was being true to myself, doing what I wanted when I wanted, but in reality, I was blowing in the wind.
Our discussion circled around to "the road gets narrower," thinking that perhaps that's because the path is more clearly defined over time. I no longer have to stop and ask myself whether a certain behavior or action is right or wrong. I often go back to Marieanne Williamson's statement that I get myself in trouble when I allow myself to go unconscious with my motives. That happened a lot before getting sober, and sometimes after, but these days rarely comes up. I know myself today, I trust my gut, and I surround myself with people who live with integrity.
My spouse, a night owl, has, for several years, worked a modified swing shift, which is in keeping with his internal time clock. This summer, he's going in before dawn, the prize being a three-day weekend. Talk about an adjustment, much easier for this early bird than for him. The other day, I'd walked to and from the gym, watered the garden, fixed breakfast, and checked email- all before 8am. I think about the decades I got up at 4:15am in order to run 4-5 miles before work. It took a while after retiring to learn to sleep in just a bit, and that it's OK to wait until the sun is up before walking. It's been 5 years ago this week that I left my job, and I don't regret a second of it. Bored? Never. When did I have time to work?! But I'm thinking of flexibility during this time of household transition, and how grateful I am, now and always, for the tools of Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness (and naps!)
Speaking of program tools, yesterday was Founder's Day, counted as Dr. Bob's sober date. I am forever grateful for this chance meeting that might've gone any other way if Bob had said "No!" to the proposed conversation with a stranger, or if no one had answered the phone when Bill called looking for someone to work with in order to avoid the temptation of the hotel bar. Chance encounters, random conversations, a left turn or right - it goes back to those monumental situations or events I wrote about last week. This one was definitely monumental, for me and countless others.
Genius musician Sly Stone died this week, he of the soundtrack of my life. He struggled mightily with addiction - oh how terrible the 70's and 80's were for those of us with the disease of addiction, especially those with vast sums of money and lackeys at their beck and call. I was so very happy to read in his autobiography that he'd been clean and sober the last 8-plus years. I was always told, "where there's life, there's hope," meaning it's never too late to find recovery. And as I watch icons and idols age and die, I am grateful for how their talents enriched my life.
What does "To thine own self be true" mean to you? How has honesty with self and others become part of your life? How do you react or respond to change, whether your choice or imposed?
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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And note that I will have a supply with me at the AA International Convention in Vancouver, BC in July. Can't wait!
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