Here and Now

 I'm re-reading The Grace in Aging, by Kathleen Dowling Singh, seeing if the pages I marked when I was 60 are still relevant today. Not always, but sometimes when I read spiritual or self-help-ish books, I need to remind myself that I have the benefit of the 12 Steps and years of inventory - much to learn, yes, and I'm not starting from zero.

What did jump out at me was the question, "What is the most meaningful use of this time in my life?" as we, as I, move closer to death. I didn't have children, and my stepdaughter has indicated (at this point anyway) that we may not become grandparents. One of the developmental tasks of later adulthood, besides getting comfortable with loss and grieving, is the whole piece about legacy, which for many has to do with passing on the DNA. (The whole topic of how milestones and markers of adulthood are different for those of us who didn't reproduce was what prompted my Master's thesis).  

I have a small following for this blog, the workbook and my novel, but nothing that will likely be remembered years from now, and isn't that ok? Might the whole idea of leaving a legacy be largely that of the ego, the desire to not be forgotten? My charming brother, when we spoke of not having kids, reminded me that in a generation or two, offspring or not, we'll merely be a photo in an album - "Now what was her name?"

And so what about the here and now? What is the most meaningful us of my time today? Years ago, a friend said that one could do good without being a "do-gooder" (she turned her helper-gene toward our local community radio station). Our program encourages service, which these days I read as at group level (or higher, if that's your thing) but also in the greater world. And, lessons I take from Alanon have to do with not over-extending, not saying "yes" when "no" might be more appropriate, being mindful of balance. 

What if my "legacy" is related to leaving a tidy, decluttered house for whoever has to clean up after me? That's something my mother worried about, and boy, was there some cleaning up to do after 50 years in the same house. I was grateful for the boxes of letters and old photos, to a point, and could see where I got the tendency to stockpile paper products. Not much keeps me up at night, but I do shudder to think that if something happened to both my spouse and myself, said unsentimental brother would hire a dumpster for all those items big and small that might mean something personally, but not really to anyone else. 

Something else Singh reminds me of is that "the moment that changed everything" usually arrives unannounced. I'm thinking of an AA guy, Ronnie, who died a few years ago in an auto accident; another friend whose adult child died suddenly; my husband getting a cancer diagnosis the day after our annual holiday party several years ago... I heard in a meeting long, long ago, "Always be on guard for the unguarded moment." Not walking around with fists clenched and my doctor's office on speed dial, but more about getting/staying centered so that when the unexpected happens, I can return to balance without too much flailing about. 

We had a pleasant enough time at the International, hitting several off-schedule meetings, upset that I couldn't get into a room that had filled up, time with friends from near and far, a chance to practice the principles in the crowd and when my HALTs were out of whack (sometimes gracefully and sometimes not). I loved the Old-Timers meeting - all 12 with over 50 years sober Their shares have me questioning my own dedication. Am I dialing it in, or actively participating? It's one thing to cut myself some slack; another to rest on my laurels. Going back to the "What's the best use of my time" question, who do I want to be in this world as I approach 40 years (!) sobriety?  More will be revealed as I reached out to a potential AA sponsor, and connected with an Alanon newcomer (dual member) this week. Funny, how putting something out to the Universe so often results in a specific reply, not always on my schedule, but the answers are there if I wait, and pay attention.

What is the most meaningful use of your time, right now, today, or in this phase of your life? Are you living your values? What do you think of as your legacy? When you slow down and listen for the still, small voice, what is your inner wisdom telling you?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. 

A day early...

 I'm posting a day early this week, as we're heading up to Vancouver, BC for the AA International Convention. I've been to every once since getting sober: Seattle 1990, San Diego 1995, Minneapolis 2000, Toronto 2005, San Antonio 2010 and Atlanta 2015. Like so many of us, I was ready for Detroit in 2020, but the pandemic had other ideas. My husband and I did visit Intergroup there in 2022 and have the t-shirt to prove it!

We hope to see friends in Vancouver that we usually just see on Zoom. I think it was in Minneapolis where one of the long-timers shared that what kept him coming back was "the love-vibe of the people." I relate to the joy I see on fellow attendee's faces as we make our way through various cities over the years, standing in long lines for coffee, holding hands for the Serenity Prayer with 40-60,000 of my peers. Talk about an infusion! I look forward to workshops and speaker meetings, both AA and Alanon, and simply soaking up the positive energy.

I'm at one of those lulls where I'm evaluating my meeting schedule and life in general, as in what is feeding me and what isn't. I can be very habitual, which isn't a bad thing when related to program, but when I start to feel an internal groan about a particular group, whether related to content or even the drive there, I know it's time to perhaps mix it up, or to take a look at my expectations. Am I looking at what I receive, or what I can pack into the stream of life? For me, meetings need to be a bit of both.  Conferences can be good in that way - a chance to soak in program (and put principles to work with big crowds) and reignite my passion, ODAT.

So, safe travels to all who'll convene in Vancouver, whether you're coming by plane, train or automobile. Hope to see you there! Hope to see you there, and I do understand that conferences are something of a niche within AA. Some like them, some don't. I'm grateful for the "all inclusive" aspect of our 12-Step programs, as in "take what you like and leave the rest."

A friend recently sent me the huge volume, The Writing of the Big Book."  I'm slowly wading my way through, some a bit dry, but some fascinating, especially in the context of there being not much other than lobotomy and the ice bath cure before AA.  It is interesting to read that as the book was being written, Bill W. felt that a person needed a spiritual experience in order to get sober, while Hank P. just as firmly believed that it was sobriety and changed behavior that led to a Higher Power. I used to wonder about that - did "god" bring me to AA, or did AA bring me to "god," back when I wanted to put god in a box of a firm definition. I've always loved my friend's definition of "god as I don't understand it." Indeed. If I could understand the powers in the universe, I would need them. I will say that my ideas about a higher power have shifted and changed many times over the years, and today I'm less inclined to worry about the particulars. To me, HP shows up in the warmth of people in meetings, or the smile shared with a fellow walker on my route, the small acts of kindness I see in my own life or read about in the news (I try to steer myself to positive reports rather than the doom and gloom that sells). As I've read in one publication or another, "God is a feeling, not a thing." 

Whether you're a conference go-er or not, how do you experience the "love vibe of the people" you meet in AA or in the greater world? How do you re-evaluate when life or program feels a bit stale? How would you describe your higher power today, if you were to describe it at all?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Note that I will have a supply with me at the Convention in Vancouver, BC this week