Pause...

 A poet I hadn't heard of died this week - Andrea Gibson - and from what I'm reading on social media, their work was beautiful, all the more poignant as death approached What particularly stuck me was this: "In the end I want my heart to be covered in stretch marks." Oh my. 

Yes. Stretch marks and scars, divots and dings, from love lost and love found, heartache and heartbreak and heart fulfilled, grief and elation and everything in between. I think of peak experiences and the depths of despair, the doldrums and excitements - the whole shebang. One day at a time, let me be awake to it all.

A meeting I participated in this week was on the topic of going deep, as in, "Do I need to go deeper?" For me that brings up the whole resting on my laurels vs contemplating my navel discussion. How much self-reflection is enough, and when do I need to put down the pen and get into action? Do I have enough periods of quiet so that I can hear the still, small voice, or am I making stuff up to fit my ideas of how things should be? All related to the Alanon suggestion to "reason things out with someone else," lest my crafty self-deception lead me into the land of justification and rationalization, the forest of "I'm right!"

I had a drinking dream this week. Unusual? Maybe. They are definitely less frequent than in earlier years and always contain a component of recovery. In this one, I was waiting for someone in a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. As soon as I put the glass to my lips and took a very small sip I thought, 'I should not be doing this" and put it down. I talked with my sponsor and a good friend, wondering if I needed to change my sobriety date since I didn't actually drink it. My sponsor suggested that yes, this was a slip as I talked about the strange mental twist that had me ordering a drink, but upset that she thought I should go from 30-plus years to under 30 days. And then I woke up. 

I've never had a G&T in my life, so it's funny that is what I ordered. I've never done LSD either, though once had a dream of doing so. As I heard early on, "It's alcohol-ism, not alcohol-wasm" and my dreams remind me that the disease is alive and biding its time somewhere in my subconscious. 

As July begins to wind down, I'm thinking of Step 7, the "humbly asked" part. I go in and out of "god" as an entity, but I do believe there are powers in the universe. Am I actually asking someone or something to take action on my behalf, or am I attempting to access my inner wisdom in order to raise awareness of the characteristics that get the way of my usefulness? The latter, I think, bringing me to a choice - same-old, same-old or try something just a wee bit different? Trying something different involves the often elusive "pause." If I think my responses/words/thoughts are automatic, I'm giving away my power of choice. Seems simple in a calm moment, but what about when my spouse's actions trigger me, or the person in front of me on the freeway has the nerve to drive the speed limit, or the neighbors are up late and noisy, or I read the newspaper? Acceptance doesn't mean approval, so how do I want to expend my energy? How do I move from thinking I'm in control to remembering my powerlessness over people, places and things? Again and again, PAUSE. 

 Do you ever have drinking or using dreams? How do you feel about it when you wake up? What could it mean to go deeper with your program and/or spiritual path? How is your relationship with Steps 6 and 7 these days? What about the "pause?"

* * * * * * *

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). I will bring copies of the workbook to SUMMERFEST in Eugene in August.

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks.