Wednesday, November 25, 2020

I woke up in a funk on Monday and had to remind myself that I get melancholy during the holidays in a good year, so a bit of the blues doesn't mean I'm doing anything "wrong." I can sometimes use the program as a weapon - the sword of striving, of "self-improvement," of trying to be better - Step 10 with a vengeance. I seem to self-flagellate more when I'm off-center, when I've forgotten my powerlessness, when I'm looking outside myself for some sort of fix.

As the stars aligned, I found myself in a meeting later that day, shared my dis-ease, and heard several others say the same. Ah yes, I am not alone, in either my grief or my joy. There again,  my off-centeredness can take me to a place of aloneness, of thinking that I'm the only one who sometimes feels lost or unmoored. We could almost call alcoholism/addiction a disease of separation - my perception of "I'm different." That feeling comes less and less the longer I'm in recovery as I'm better able to recognize its lies, and old ideas are old ideas and comfortable in their familiarity, even when not in my best interest. And then the next day I woke up in a positive frame of mind. From the previous evening's shares? From some good news on the personal and greater world fronts? After a good night's sleep? Probably all of the above.

I was honored to attend the online memorial for my husband's first sponsor over the weekend, a well respected member in the Berkeley/Oakland/Bay Area fellowship, who died after a three year journey through liver cancer. It was a moving service, with 9 speakers sharing for five minutes each, followed by smaller break-out groups for individual shares (there were over 180 attendees). Many quoted different things John said over the years, evidence of his commitment to the 12 Steps and service, as well as his grace in walking through a terminal diagnosis. I've been reflecting on one of his statements: "I don't know what's next, so I'll just do what's next." Would that I be so gracious in the face of adversity. 

In another meeting, with a generalized topic of perspective, someone shared the tool of "and," as in, I'll miss seeing our faux-family for Thanksgiving tomorrow, "and" I'm grateful we're all healthy and safe. I'm bummed that gyms are closed, "and" I'm able to get outside for my daily walks. I look forward to vaccines and healing, "and"  I've had enough to eat today, I know where I'll be sleeping tonight, I have my recovery.

I'm an introverted writer, who'd really rather be locked in my garret with candles and a cup of tea, but alas, part of getting read includes at least a modicum of self promotion. A potential opportunity to get the word out about my workbook has presented itself, and as I talked with the person involved, I could feel myself shrink. Having done the work of recovery, I recognized, for a least a few moments, I wanted to be invisible. Rather than letting those old triggers make my decisions, I was able to acknowledge that a part of me was scared, "and"  that I could move forward anyway. One day at a time, one choice at a time. Recovery doesn't mean that I'll never be triggered. What it does mean is that I can respond differently this time, or the next. 

And so, it is Thanksgiving eve here in the U.S. Last year, we shared our meal with my brother and his wife, and my first husband. In the following month, my ex was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer that had metastasized to his brain and my spouse was diagnosed with Stage 1 throat cancer. And then the pandemic and all its disruptions hit. What I've learned over this past year is that nothing is guaranteed - not health, not conferences and airfare I've paid for, not employment, not the ability to safely hang out with family or friends - nothing. What I hope I've gained is a conscious awareness of all there is to be grateful for, even on the darkest of days. I will cook a bird, mash potatoes, and bake a  cake, frosting it using my grandmother's recipe. We'll watch a few episodes of our current show, and maybe some football. We'll call our college student and our San Francisco family, and I'll ring my ex's daughter along with a couple of friends. We'll all likely remark on this strange and separate year, with hopes for better, safer days to come.

The Gratitude List is one of my favorite tools of recovery, never failing to adjust my attitude, even if just a little. I am grateful that I didn't die with a needle in my arm (Thanksgiving marks my final skid towards hitting bottom). I am grateful that I hear from many of you over the course of the weeks. I'm grateful for home and health, sobriety and (relative) sanity. And I'm grateful for connections over time.

What are you grateful for, this day and always? If you have an off day, how are you gentle with yourself in the process of coming back to center?


Just in time for holiday planning, or your year-end inventory

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time).


Wednesday, November 18, 2020

 I attended a great meeting last week with the topic, "How do we stay desperate" enough to maintain vigilance against the "ism" of the drink and the variously subtle mindsets that can lead us down the rabbit hole? I do think about that - how to keep it fresh and engaging after decades of abstinence, which is part of what motivated me to start this blog and write the Now What? workbook. Does "Expect a Miracle" apply only to the newcomer? Could "Put the Plug in the Jug" also come to mean the cauldron of old and negative ideas?

Desperation today looks very different than it did 30, or even 20, years ago when even a venture into a restaurant was fraught with previously automatic responses (pizza without a pitcher, no thanks to the wine menu). Desperation today stems from self-knowledge, and the practice of being honest with myself. Yes, the literature warns that self-knowledge alone isn't enough to maintain the daily reprieve, and after decades of inventory and meetings and working the steps with sponsors and sponsees, I can usually recognize when the disease comes knocking. It was self-awareness that reacted to the instinctual wondering if I'd feel anything by licking my hand where my mother's end-of-life morphine had spilled. It was self-honesty that triggered the "ding, ding, ding!" bells when I found myself making an excuse for a boyfriend who'd punched a hole in the wall. It is being honest with myself that leads me to pick up the phone (or send the email) when I'd rather figure it out myself.

Part of what keeps me desperate, or willing, is the still vivid memory of just how sick I was. I remember sitting on the toilet with a belt around my arm. I remember the morning I dropped a full blender (of a healthy smoothie!) as I passed out on the kitchen floor. I remember driving blotto with a hand over one eye and the windows down. I have physical scars from the methamphetamine years, but deeper emotional scars from the lies, arguments, deceptions and the painful look on loved one's faces as they confronted the various manifestations of my disease It is those "again's" that I hope to never repeat. And as I've written before, my alcoholism rarely shows up on a random Tuesday saying, "Hey, let's go have a drink!" I know that relapse is a series of decisions, of permission statements, of moving away from that which keeps me on the path. I don't walk around today with the same level of desperation I had in 1986, but today I have more to lose - so much more to be careful of - which is why I keep coming back. 

* * *

My husband got word this week that his first sponsor succumbed to liver cancer after a three year battle. I only met this man, in Berkeley, a few times, but was so impressed by his dedication to recovery and service. I will be forever indebted to the love of the program he passed on to my spouse, telling him, "Do the work and the gifts will follow." It is especially heartbreaking when our deaths are precipitated by the damage from long ago drinking and drugging. We truly do only have today. And as John F. advised the last time we saw him, "Don't wait until you have a diagnosis to take care of yourself." Truly,

* * *

I had what the old-timers would've called a "god-shot"  this week. In a conversation about desserts, I told my husband about Mom's chocolate cake, topped by delicious frosting that included a dollop of peanut butter. A few days later, I tackled my cookbook shelf as part of my on-going de-clutter project (as in, do I really need 3 Middle Eastern, 2 Indian and 3 vegetarian volumes?). I came across a small binder of Mom's I don't remember seeing before, titled "My Favorite Recipes." Right on top was a letter from my paternal grandmother (who died when I was 5) that opened with instructions for the frosting (start with a tablespoon of peanut butter and add more if you'd like). What are the odds? 

I try to be open to synchronicity, the paying attention to connections and coincidences, like the "Return to Sender" card that arrived after 2 months, on the day that an old friend paid tribute to my deceased first husband; the "I was literally getting ready to dial you!" from my best friend as she answers the phone when I call. I suppose there are mathematical explanations for seemingly random and coincidental occurrences, but I prefer to believe they are from the realm of spirit, of connection over time and space.

And connection over time and space is what we have right now as much of the country is on what Oregon is calling a "pause" as we again stay home to stay safe, and give our beleaguered health care professionals the semblance of a break. Do I like not going to the gym? No. Do I recognize that as a luxury problem? Definitely. Will I seek ways to help those who are struggling? Yes. And, I will do my part as we continue to cover uncharted territory.

How do you stay desperate enough to do the deal, one day at a time? How do you recognize when you are no longer teachable? Are you aware of your emotional and physical triggers? What helps you stay open to the synchronicity of reading the right thing at the right time, or running into just the person you were meant to meet?  

Take care, friends...   

  Just in time for holiday planning, or your year-end inventory:  (& note that prices will be going up effective 11/23)

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). 


Tuesday, November 17, 2020

 Hello dear reader. You will see my usual weekly post tomorrow, but wanted to share a (condensed) sample from the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook. Note that the workbook contains more room for your own writing than what I'm sharing here. 

The price will be going up in the next week, so if you've been thinking about it, buy now at $15 U.S. (new price will be $20 in U.S., $30 for out of the country). Please contact me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you have any questions.

Chapter 1 – Taking Stock

When we first enter sobriety, most of us aren’t thinking of the long term. We come in to get the heat off, to save a marriage, a job, or both, to repair relationships with our children, or simply because we can’t go on living chained to the bottle or the bag or what the doctor ordered. Some of us may have wondered if we’d be taught to drink responsibly, without consequences, and were upset when we learned that total abstinence is the best prescription for alcoholism and addiction. But we listened and learned from the examples of those around us, from our sponsors, and from our new friends in the rooms of recovery. We began to grow up.

With willingness and at least some humility, we learned to live sober, and to take the necessary actions to move into a life of recovery. Life became good, or at least different. Often, we developed a new social network of like-minded individuals.

 

And then, seemingly in the blink of an eye, we wake up and find ourselves with long-term recovery. Ten years, twenty, thirty, go by in a flash of life-on-life’s terms...

  

Long term recovery comes with a certain amount of responsibility. Being an elder doesn’t mean that we won’t have troubles, but it does mean that we are role models for walking the walk rather than simply talking the talk...

 

Self-care is no longer a theory, whether related to our physical health or our emotional well-being. “Someday” is now, that elusive here-and-now that we read about and glimpse from time to time. That being said, we cannot stay in recovery based on what we did ten years ago, or even ten weeks ago. What is it that I need to do today?

 

“How do I stay engaged in the recovery process, in my recovery process?” is a question to be asked as time moves forward. Sometimes it can feel rote, like a cozy and comfortable rut. Sometimes we get bored, and think that we’ve inventoried all we need to inventory, heard all the stories we ever want to hear. One of the biggest challenges of long term recovery is to keep it fresh, to keep growing spiritually and emotionally. That takes effort, effort of a different nature than that required of early sobriety, effort that may ebb and flow, but effort nonetheless.  Literature, trying a new meeting, taking on a new sponsee, or a new sponsor, hitting a meeting out of town – it is an individual journey, but one we don’t need to take alone.

 

  A long timer’s view:   Catherine N. ~

 

Long term recovery comes to me one day at a time. Once, my counselor asked me if there was a recovery 2.0! Like do we ever graduate from AA? The answer is no, keeping my AA program simple like when I came in still helps me to stay sober today. I still have a home group, work the steps, have a sponsor and I sponsor. 

 

Although it was all I used when I was young, AA is not the only way that I get what I need for my recovery or self-care anymore. I go to meetings now once or twice a week (as opposed to seven days a week for years!). Now I try and go to yoga three times a week, therapy once a month, pray & meditate, soak and get massage, make art and practice writing, travel, walk and spend time outside in the natural world...


      For reflection:

1.      How is my life different today than when I first entered recovery?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3.      What goals have I achieved along the way, and what dreams have I let go of?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4.      How has my inner life changed?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5.      List at least 10 gratitudes

6.      List intentions or goals as related to recovery, relationships, health, work/retirement

     Describe any challenges, internal or external What are my strengths, my positive qualities?


Jbassett now what workbook  (copyright)

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

I am exhaling this week, with the knowledge that there are those who celebrate and those who mourn the US election results, doing my best to hold all beings with gentle compassion. As I was once taught, it is easy to love the loveable. Not so much those I disagree with. Progress, not perfection.

I realize that I forgot to check back in about the part-time job. Oh man, did I wrestle with that one. Initially, I thought it was a message from the universe, the answer to my "what am I going to do over the winter?" question. Then the whispers started (including a gentle nudge from my sponsor and a good friend). If I'm sometimes feeling time crunched with nothing but hikes on my calendar, why would I add in a 3 day a week obligation? Why, indeed? Am I that adverse to empty spaces, those empty spaces that I said I craved pre-retirement? 

As one week turned to two, I made a pros and cons list. I also tuned in to a guided meditation on listening to our hearts. Part of the meditation suggested asking a question and waiting, in silence, for an answer. My question was related to should I or shouldn't I, with the answer being, "There's no decision to be made." I didn't have any additional information about the position, beyond the initial vague inquiry. I'm not exactly sure that it's alcoholic thinking, but is is something - the tendency to make a decision without all the facts. It goes back to what I touched on last week - my discomfort with uncertainty. Not enough info? No problem - I'll fill in the blanks myself!

So, I got on a plane to New Mexico, fully intending to not think about work/no work. Then came word that the organization had decided to hire a full time counselor. The decision was made for me. And, I was pointed in the direction of further self-examination as suggested in Step 10. When I'm uncomfortable, can I use the tools of the program to unearth causes and conditions? What are the core beliefs that drive my defects/defenses? What is behind the perceived need to do rather than simply be? Food for thought as I consciously practice Step 11 during November, heeding my sponsor's suggestion that Steps 1,2 and 3 can be useful in the decision making process, big or small. 

I enjoyed a online call with a former sister-in-law in the UK this week (she was married to the elder brother of my ex, both of whom are deceased). I've seen her a few times over the 35 years that our paths separated, and have appreciated our ongoing friendship, which has progressed with the times from letter writing to email to skype. We were together a lot during the late 1970's-early 1980's, and while she's not "one of us" it is good to periodically connect with the one living person who shared the experiences that are now distant memories.

And then, I took a long walk with a new-ish neighbor, recently relocated from out of state. As we walked up and down the Alameda ridge, I pointed out various locations from my history: the public stairs where I had my first kiss, and my second beer; the house where I hit bottom; "Dead Man's Hill" where we went sledding...  Living in the general area where I grew up is both a blessing and a curse. I love the familiarity of running or walking through the park where we hung out in high school, seeing old classmates at the grocery store, my friend who lives in the house where she grew up.  And... the same things that bring small pleasures can also feel like being frozen in time. Was it really over 50 years ago that we waited for the berry picking bus in front of the bakery? Didn't we just have that water balloon fight in the park? I've long joked that you know you're getting old when sentences start with, "Why, I remember when..."  I am definitely there.

In regards to "do" vs "be," I don't need to chastise myself for being a do-er. How do I balance that tendency with my spiritual quest for serenity? Part of it seems to be working with what is - in other words, redefining the "do" to include things like waiting, holding still, or allowing, while acknowledging that, for me, serenity includes activity and planning ahead. More and more, I am hearing and reading about the importance of self-acceptance. I cannot change myself (or I would've a long time ago) and, I can't let go of something (person, place, thing or trait) when I'm holding on tight.

Staying home/staying safe is something sensible I can do (as corona cases rise). Tackling my various de-clutter projects is something I can do, rather than distracting with just about anything else (Not that closet! Nooooo!). Writing on my Step work before our monthly meeting is something else I can do. It's about choices. With awareness,  I will continue to schedule walks with friends on these glorious autumn days. I will begin to take stock of where I am and where I want to head as the new year approaches, though inventory in the time of covid is its own type of beast. I don't harbor the illusion that 1/1/21 will bring real relief, but simply the act of turning the calendar will be an adventure. What might the new year bring, in my own life and in the world?

How do you tackle decisions? What do you do in order to shift your awareness from doing to being? As you, perhaps, begin to take inventory of 2020, what personal milestones, accomplishments or grievings have dovetailed with the world's? 

Just in time for holiday planning, or your year-end inventory

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time).


Wednesday, November 4, 2020

 I'm not sure that I've got many coherent thoughts today. The U.S. election isn't over - counting all the votes could take days. I'm fine with that. What I struggle with is uncertainty - always have, whatever the situation. Just let me know what I'm up against, and I'll deal. It's the not-knowing that agitates me.

Early in recovery I attended meetings with a guy named Dale. After a Sunday evening group, going on about one thing or another, I said, "I just want someone to tell me that everything's going to be ok." His smile was a metaphorical pat on the head as he replied, "Everything is ok." I so often forget that simplest of lessons - that right here, right now, all is well.

Part of it has to do with the story I'm telling myself about people, places and things. I do not have a crystal ball, but my mind thinks otherwise. I often attempt to think my way out of whatever fear or confusion I'm drowning in, rather than turning to my spiritual resources. Even with long term sobriety, I easily fall in to the figure-it-out trap - a dead end if there ever was one. (I heard in a meeting years ago, "My mind would kill me, but it needs me for transportation.)

As I pay attention to  my breath and heartbeat (shallow, rapid), I have a choice - feed the anxiety, or take a step back. I know what I need to do - journal, meditate, ask for help, share openly with a trusted other, use my god (as in good, orderly direction) box, talk with a friend about something other than what is ailing me. I did a brisk 5 mile walk with a good friend through a neighborhood where the trees seemed to be lit from within. That helped. Yesterday, rather than agitate in front of the television, I jumped in to some physical tasks. Keep moving. Get outdoors. Read a book. 

Moving away from the story telling, which is nearly always negative, involves retraining my brain. I've done it before, though it took years to develop the discipline to enforce the "stop!" when my mind wandered to a particularly dark alley. I was finally able to say, "You don't do this anymore," when the film noir of my life would begin. I can take that same resolve to my current obsessions. 

I can tell you what doesn't work - junk food. I don't generally keep anything too unhealthy in the cupboard, but we did have a wee bit of leftover Halloween candy that got inhaled last evening as I vacillated between the news and a favorite Netflix show. Comfort food? Ha! Maybe for the 30 seconds I'm actually eating, but certainly not the next day when my G.I. system rebels. For me and sugar, one is too many and a thousand not enough, which I sometimes only realize in hindsight. Ah well, today is another day.

And what I can assume is that the sun will come up tomorrow, and the day after that. However this election turns out, from the local to the national level, there will be work to do, both internally and in my community. As we learn in the program, I can't give away something I don't have, so today my focus will be on balance and serenity. As this is the 11th month, I'll look at how Step 11 can quiet my racing thoughts, remembering that I'm not asking for specifics, but for knowledge of higher power's will for me and the power to carry that out. If higher power equals my better nature, I can know, deep in my bones, that inner peace is what I seek.

How are you handling the various upheavals in the world, whether that is the US election, health or financial concerns related to the pandemic, challenges with family (can't see them, or maybe disagreements)? How do the Steps help you gain perspective?


Just in time for holiday planning, or your year-end inventory

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time).