I'm not sure that I've got many coherent thoughts today. The U.S. election isn't over - counting all the votes could take days. I'm fine with that. What I struggle with is uncertainty - always have, whatever the situation. Just let me know what I'm up against, and I'll deal. It's the not-knowing that agitates me.

Early in recovery I attended meetings with a guy named Dale. After a Sunday evening group, going on about one thing or another, I said, "I just want someone to tell me that everything's going to be ok." His smile was a metaphorical pat on the head as he replied, "Everything is ok." I so often forget that simplest of lessons - that right here, right now, all is well.

Part of it has to do with the story I'm telling myself about people, places and things. I do not have a crystal ball, but my mind thinks otherwise. I often attempt to think my way out of whatever fear or confusion I'm drowning in, rather than turning to my spiritual resources. Even with long term sobriety, I easily fall in to the figure-it-out trap - a dead end if there ever was one. (I heard in a meeting years ago, "My mind would kill me, but it needs me for transportation.)

As I pay attention to  my breath and heartbeat (shallow, rapid), I have a choice - feed the anxiety, or take a step back. I know what I need to do - journal, meditate, ask for help, share openly with a trusted other, use my god (as in good, orderly direction) box, talk with a friend about something other than what is ailing me. I did a brisk 5 mile walk with a good friend through a neighborhood where the trees seemed to be lit from within. That helped. Yesterday, rather than agitate in front of the television, I jumped in to some physical tasks. Keep moving. Get outdoors. Read a book. 

Moving away from the story telling, which is nearly always negative, involves retraining my brain. I've done it before, though it took years to develop the discipline to enforce the "stop!" when my mind wandered to a particularly dark alley. I was finally able to say, "You don't do this anymore," when the film noir of my life would begin. I can take that same resolve to my current obsessions. 

I can tell you what doesn't work - junk food. I don't generally keep anything too unhealthy in the cupboard, but we did have a wee bit of leftover Halloween candy that got inhaled last evening as I vacillated between the news and a favorite Netflix show. Comfort food? Ha! Maybe for the 30 seconds I'm actually eating, but certainly not the next day when my G.I. system rebels. For me and sugar, one is too many and a thousand not enough, which I sometimes only realize in hindsight. Ah well, today is another day.

And what I can assume is that the sun will come up tomorrow, and the day after that. However this election turns out, from the local to the national level, there will be work to do, both internally and in my community. As we learn in the program, I can't give away something I don't have, so today my focus will be on balance and serenity. As this is the 11th month, I'll look at how Step 11 can quiet my racing thoughts, remembering that I'm not asking for specifics, but for knowledge of higher power's will for me and the power to carry that out. If higher power equals my better nature, I can know, deep in my bones, that inner peace is what I seek.

How are you handling the various upheavals in the world, whether that is the US election, health or financial concerns related to the pandemic, challenges with family (can't see them, or maybe disagreements)? How do the Steps help you gain perspective?

Just in time for holiday planning, or your year-end inventory: 

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time).