I am exhaling this week, with the knowledge that there are those who celebrate and those who mourn the US election results, doing my best to hold all beings with gentle compassion. As I was once taught, it is easy to love the loveable. Not so much those I disagree with. Progress, not perfection.

I realize that I forgot to check back in about the part-time job. Oh man, did I wrestle with that one. Initially, I thought it was a message from the universe, the answer to my "what am I going to do over the winter?" question. Then the whispers started (including a gentle nudge from my sponsor and a good friend). If I'm sometimes feeling time crunched with nothing but hikes on my calendar, why would I add in a 3 day a week obligation? Why, indeed? Am I that adverse to empty spaces, those empty spaces that I said I craved pre-retirement? 

As one week turned to two, I made a pros and cons list. I also tuned in to a guided meditation on listening to our hearts. Part of the meditation suggested asking a question and waiting, in silence, for an answer. My question was related to should I or shouldn't I, with the answer being, "There's no decision to be made." I didn't have any additional information about the position, beyond the initial vague inquiry. I'm not exactly sure that it's alcoholic thinking, but is is something - the tendency to make a decision without all the facts. It goes back to what I touched on last week - my discomfort with uncertainty. Not enough info? No problem - I'll fill in the blanks myself!

So, I got on a plane to New Mexico, fully intending to not think about work/no work. Then came word that the organization had decided to hire a full time counselor. The decision was made for me. And, I was pointed in the direction of further self-examination as suggested in Step 10. When I'm uncomfortable, can I use the tools of the program to unearth causes and conditions? What are the core beliefs that drive my defects/defenses? What is behind the perceived need to do rather than simply be? Food for thought as I consciously practice Step 11 during November, heeding my sponsor's suggestion that Steps 1,2 and 3 can be useful in the decision making process, big or small. 

I enjoyed a online call with a former sister-in-law in the UK this week (she was married to the elder brother of my ex, both of whom are deceased). I've seen her a few times over the 35 years that our paths separated, and have appreciated our ongoing friendship, which has progressed with the times from letter writing to email to skype. We were together a lot during the late 1970's-early 1980's, and while she's not "one of us" it is good to periodically connect with the one living person who shared the experiences that are now distant memories.

And then, I took a long walk with a new-ish neighbor, recently relocated from out of state. As we walked up and down the Alameda ridge, I pointed out various locations from my history: the public stairs where I had my first kiss, and my second beer; the house where I hit bottom; "Dead Man's Hill" where we went sledding...  Living in the general area where I grew up is both a blessing and a curse. I love the familiarity of running or walking through the park where we hung out in high school, seeing old classmates at the grocery store, my friend who lives in the house where she grew up.  And... the same things that bring small pleasures can also feel like being frozen in time. Was it really over 50 years ago that we waited for the berry picking bus in front of the bakery? Didn't we just have that water balloon fight in the park? I've long joked that you know you're getting old when sentences start with, "Why, I remember when..."  I am definitely there.

In regards to "do" vs "be," I don't need to chastise myself for being a do-er. How do I balance that tendency with my spiritual quest for serenity? Part of it seems to be working with what is - in other words, redefining the "do" to include things like waiting, holding still, or allowing, while acknowledging that, for me, serenity includes activity and planning ahead. More and more, I am hearing and reading about the importance of self-acceptance. I cannot change myself (or I would've a long time ago) and, I can't let go of something (person, place, thing or trait) when I'm holding on tight.

Staying home/staying safe is something sensible I can do (as corona cases rise). Tackling my various de-clutter projects is something I can do, rather than distracting with just about anything else (Not that closet! Nooooo!). Writing on my Step work before our monthly meeting is something else I can do. It's about choices. With awareness,  I will continue to schedule walks with friends on these glorious autumn days. I will begin to take stock of where I am and where I want to head as the new year approaches, though inventory in the time of covid is its own type of beast. I don't harbor the illusion that 1/1/21 will bring real relief, but simply the act of turning the calendar will be an adventure. What might the new year bring, in my own life and in the world?

How do you tackle decisions? What do you do in order to shift your awareness from doing to being? As you, perhaps, begin to take inventory of 2020, what personal milestones, accomplishments or grievings have dovetailed with the world's? 

Just in time for holiday planning, or your year-end inventory: 

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time).