A Day Early...

I'm posting a day early with a friend coming in to town and our plan to hit the ground running tomorrow. OK, hit the ground hiking, but you know what I mean...

 When I think of my growing up years, the little kid time, what comes up is freedom - climbing to the top of a very tall pine tree (with my mother, trying to stay calm, saying "Come on down honey."), flying down this or that hill on my bike, sometimes with a cousin on both the handlebars and back fender, the freedom of sneaking around, up and down the wood chute, or into the older cousin's room, climbing on roofs... I also found freedom in books - reading about faraway places and adventurous girls and boys.

And then came puberty, along with alcohol use, and the extreme bondage of self that characterized my teen years and beyond. There is a stage of adolescent development that includes the "invisible audience", the feeling that everyone is paying attention to you. They aren't, but you couldn't have convinced me of that. Barely existent self-esteem plus thinking everyone was judging me equaled fertile ground for alcoholism. 

In recovery, I got to rediscover freedom - freedom from addiction but also freedom to explore what it meant to be "me", freedom to try things I'd not let myself even imagine, freedom to become who I was perhaps meant to be all along. Some things took, others not, but the point was I had the new-found courage to check it out. Running, now walking long distances took. Team sports never did. I'd long thought about re-learning the piano. Never did.

I recently watched part of an interview with Gloria Steinem, now 92, talking about freedom that comes with aging, when you "outgrow the expectations" of earlier life. I've read that too - that in older adulthood we can return to things that brought us joy as children, before hormonal imperatives took us hostage. I probably shouldn't climb a tall tree or on the neighbor's roof, but I do still check them out. 

With a good friend in from out of town, I won't be hitting my regular meetings, but all our social engagements are with sober people. I've likely said this before, but lifelong friendships are not what I expected out of getting sober. Program friends that have lasted through the years, as well as relationships from school and after years. We had Easter with my sister-from-another-mother and her brood. I took the opportunity to pass on a little vase that someone gave my mother when I was born to my faux-nephew and his very pregnant girlfriend. Keeping it in the family, while the beat goes on.

What comes to mind when you think of your growing up years? Pleasant memories, or not so much? How about today? What freedoms do you enjoy that you hadn't known would be part of long term recovery? 

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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table

Decisions/Acceptance

 A dear friend has recently been instructed by a medical professional to stop driving. Ouch. In some ways, that is a validation of something she has suspected for awhile now, but in another way - boy howdy, here is Aging with a capital "A". Again and again, we just never know how or when life on life's terms will show up.

In a discussion of that life on life's terms business, we talked about a softening of the internal armor, that "gird your loins!" of younger years when life was often viewed as a battle. I've notice that in myself - a new cooperation with reality, as another friend terms it. There is less struggle today. I may not like what is going on, but the reflex of fighting everything and everyone is barely a whimper anymore. 

In a meeting this week, someone spoke to our slogans as doorways, and what might happen were they to walk on through. I love that image, especially as I sat in front of a placard that read, "Keep it Simple." What might I see if I walked through that door? What would be the atmosphere, the aura of keeping it simple? Perhaps, while not letting go of my calendar, a more expansive and relaxed way of interacting with my days? Maybe breathing and allowing spiritual space between commitments rather than rushing from one thing to another? Maybe simply sitting in the garden after I've put down the trowel? Honestly, my schedule doesn't change all that much from week to week, but my relationship to it sure does. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Other times, I'm grateful for a full life. What is the difference? I wish I knew, because I prefer happy, joyous and free. 

What I will say is that the last three meetings I've been in have touched on aging, as in aging and acceptance. This is definitely an area where I can give up control, because I never had it! I'm  not powerless over how I choose to take care of myself, this physical body. I am powerless over genetics, and most of the environmental factors that contribute to my health, or lack thereof, as well as random blips that seem to come out of nowhere. As with all things, it is one day at a time, trusting I'll be given what I need to walk through whatever comes my way (which is a lot easier in theory, or in retrospect).

My cousin has reached the faraway island nation where she's been called to serve. I may not follow the same path as that part of the family, but I do understand the feeling of a calling, of a desire I just can't shake. For me it was working in treatment. After participating in a group session while I was in treatment with a Viet Nam vet, who, for the first time, talked/sobbed about what he'd been a part of when "in country," and the visible lightness after he'd dropped that burden, I thought, "I want to be a part of this." I had a similar feeling about wanting to walk on the Great Wall of China, writing my novel, as well as doing the Camino, not wanting to spend a lifetime thinking, "What if I'd....?"  Not that going on a long walk is the equivalent of a career choice or writing a book, but my belief  is that my true heart's desire(s) will find a way to make themselves known, with the path forward illuminated. 

I also know about the doubt that this family member has voiced. This doesn't feel good - did I make the right decision? How am I supposed to know? My counsel was to keep breathing and give it six months, much like I'd advise someone in a new job. Of course it feels awkward - you've never done this before. And I love it when I can drop some AA wisdom on people, like "Don't make any major decisions" right off the bat. Transitions are real. Transitions take time, no matter how much I think I "should" be able to immediately adjust to changed circumstance. 

Good reminders as I contemplate "I've been sober a long time - now what?" What is it that brings me joy? What quiet thought or feeling is nudging me one direction or another? What lurking "but you're supposed to..." nips at my heels?  I don't have answers today, and that's OK. I'll not drink and go to meetings. I'll maintain my volunteer activity. I'll get my hands in the dirt. I'll walk. And, I'll take a deep breath when  I feel myself veer towards "figure it out" mode. 

How does acceptance fit in your life today? What slogan speaks to you as far as walking through the door, and what would that feel like? Are there areas where your psyche would benefit from taking it easy?

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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table