I'm posting a day early with a friend coming in to town and our plan to hit the ground running tomorrow. OK, hit the ground hiking, but you know what I mean...
When I think of my growing up years, the little kid time, what comes up is freedom - climbing to the top of a very tall pine tree (with my mother, trying to stay calm, saying "Come on down honey."), flying down this or that hill on my bike, sometimes with a cousin on both the handlebars and back fender, the freedom of sneaking around, up and down the wood chute, or into the older cousin's room, climbing on roofs... I also found freedom in books - reading about faraway places and adventurous girls and boys.
And then came puberty, along with alcohol use, and the extreme bondage of self that characterized my teen years and beyond. There is a stage of adolescent development that includes the "invisible audience", the feeling that everyone is paying attention to you. They aren't, but you couldn't have convinced me of that. Barely existent self-esteem plus thinking everyone was judging me equaled fertile ground for alcoholism.
In recovery, I got to rediscover freedom - freedom from addiction but also freedom to explore what it meant to be "me", freedom to try things I'd not let myself even imagine, freedom to become who I was perhaps meant to be all along. Some things took, others not, but the point was I had the new-found courage to check it out. Running, now walking long distances took. Team sports never did. I'd long thought about re-learning the piano. Never did.
I recently watched part of an interview with Gloria Steinem, now 92, talking about freedom that comes with aging, when you "outgrow the expectations" of earlier life. I've read that too - that in older adulthood we can return to things that brought us joy as children, before hormonal imperatives took us hostage. I probably shouldn't climb a tall tree or on the neighbor's roof, but I do still check them out.
With a good friend in from out of town, I won't be hitting my regular meetings, but all our social engagements are with sober people. I've likely said this before, but lifelong friendships are not what I expected out of getting sober. Program friends that have lasted through the years, as well as relationships from school and after years. We had Easter with my sister-from-another-mother and her brood. I took the opportunity to pass on a little vase that someone gave my mother when I was born to my faux-nephew and his very pregnant girlfriend. Keeping it in the family, while the beat goes on.
What comes to mind when you think of your growing up years? Pleasant memories, or not so much? How about today? What freedoms do you enjoy that you hadn't known would be part of long term recovery?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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