What do I truly want?

 I just read a book review that started with "What do I truly want?", a guide for those who might be in jobs or relationships that don't make their heart sing, or otherwise feel at a stalemate. What do I truly want? What indeed?

I want peace on earth, goodwill towards all living creatures. I want the US government to make good on treaties signed with Native American peoples under duress. I want to feel proud of my country, my state, my city. I want to know that differences of opinion about our country, our state, or our city doesn't mean we can't be friends or have civil conversations. I want everyone, everywhere to be able to go to sleep at night without fear and with a full belly. I want glaciers to stop melting. I want business and political leaders to put people and planet before profits.

I want our zucchini plants to produce this year (why am I the only person I know who can't grow zucchini?!). I want the new neighbors across the street to be friendly and the young people next door to be quiet at night. I want my baby brother to get some sort of cosmic gold star for being so loyal to his wife as her dementia worsens. I want all those I drive to their radiation and chemo appointments to sail through treatment with positive outcomes. I want the laundry to fold itself. I want my parents to know that I love them and I'm sorry that in the years of "recovery/discovery" I blamed them for my today's woes. 

I want to live to be a healthy 100, ODAT. I want to grow old with my spouse. I want my stepdaughter's dreams to come true, even the ones she doesn't know yet. I want the new woman in our meeting this week to keep coming back, to catch the fire that is recovery. I want to see the world - not all of it, but those places that whisper to me, especially those that say, "Please come back."

I want to be consistently confident in my abilities - to navigate in new cities and countries, to know when to speak and when to not. How to both enjoy the ice cream and say "no" to food I that doesn't actually feed me. I want to go to sleep at night knowing I did my reasonable best, whether that was out and about, or reading an engaging book, and if I didn't do my best, that I made amends where needed. And at the end of it all, I want to rest easy, knowing I fully participated in my life.

This list shifts and changes over time, sometimes day-to-day, but I want to stay tuned to my joy-meter - what makes my heart sing. Obviously, not every task or every situation calls for bells ringing, but on the whole, I seek contentment and the ability to pay attention when that feels missing.

Something I've realized this past week is that I haven't yet connected to being 70. Someone was saying, "My 30's were great," to which I added, "The 40's and 50's were good too. So are the 60's," catching myself on the "are" great vs "were" great. I am no longer in my 60's and that reality hasn't quite caught up to my psyche. But then again, what is "70" supposed to feel like (or 50's or 60's for that matter)? My mother at 70 seemed old. while my father-in-law in his 80's seemed young. Does it really matter how I feel about my age? I certainly don't fight it. I'm semi-amused at having grown old, though I've been told I don't act my age (again, whatever that means). ODAT I can focus on the here and now, releasing labels and "should's" as I go along. Sure, I've got a bit of arthritis in my hands, and yeah, my knees are sometimes creaky, but I'm of the "use it or lose it" mindset, so I'll keep using it until I can't anymore.

Along those lines, I'm on a quick adventure to Chicago with my travel buddies - a baseball game (Go Cubs!) and the Institute of Art on the docket, exploring a city I haven't been to in decades, with someone who grew up there. This week marks the 5th anniversary of retirement. Will my months and years always be filled with travel? Probably not, but this year I'm enjoying the heck out of it. And while too often these days it feels like the world is going crazy, I do my best to take a deep breath and be part of the solution where I may.

What is on your list, today, of "What I truly want..."?  What makes your heart sing in the here-and-now? If you're retired, is it turning out how you'd hoped? If working, what do you look forward to in your retirement years? Does your inner life match your physical age? How has it felt to hit those milestone years?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Note that I will have a supply with me at the AA International Convention in Vancouver, BC in July. Can't wait!