Goodbyes...

 This past week, our monthly Cabal gathered to honor the memory of our friend who'd recently passed, sharing sweet memories with his sister. It is sort of a fluke that I even met his sister, having connected with her Instagram profile without knowing who she was, then seeing her notice of our friend's death. There was no formal service - a lot of water had passed under that bridge - but it felt right to sit in our sacred circle and share stories of laughter and love. We all expressed gratitude for the sense of closure it brought.

My dear father, very much an introvert, specifically did not want any kind of gathering or service when he died, and unfortunately, we followed his wishes. Unfortunately, because we had no formal avenue to process our feelings or for his friends to process theirs (other than me in therapy, three years later). This was before hospice became a thing, so there was just Mom and me and our tears, and my brother closing himself off, and me, drinking myself into a stupor.

Rites and rituals around death are not for the dearly departed. There is a reason all cultures in all times have ceremonies and processes around death. Some may seem minimalistic and some over the top, but we humans crave a way to say "goodbye." In the old days, part of the ritual was spending time with the body, evidence that this person is no longer in their mortal shell. These days, with death having become a business, and so many choosing cremation, that piece has shifted, though I will say that it was good and right that we sat with my mother's body, in her bed, before she was taken away. There was some sort of psychic shift that took place, recognizing that whatever energy it was that made her my mother was no longer there. 

But back to my friend - it felt good to share funny stories from early sobriety, the dances and warm hugs and deep conversations, and for his sister to hear how much he meant to us. To my friends and family who say they don't want "anything" when they die, I say "Fie to you!" You'll be gone, and if your belief that there is nothing afterwards is true, you won't know one way or the other. 

Over the weekend, our bi-monthly cousin's brunch gathered, our first since the eldest of one family passed last month, and included a couple of folks who don't usually attend. So yes, get together to grieve when I'm gone, but more importantly, let's spend time while we're all still here. I don't always say, "I love you," to those that I do, but "Please, join us," or "It's so good to see you," or "Here, sit next to me," all suffice. It felt good to raise a toast to all those not there, including all our parents and too many siblings, each one contributing in some way to who we are today.

And so the beat goes on, as summer approaches. Our neighbor/friends across the street are moving, with an anticipated closing of the house sale at the end of the month (with me being encouraged to pick berries in their backyard in the meantime). A couple of friends and I will go for a walk in the woods tomorrow, before I meet with my grade school pals for our monthly date. And...drumroll... today is the 14th anniversary of our wedding! I look at those photos, making note of the few who are no longer with us, as well as how our social life has changed with covid, retirement, and the passage of time. As I told someone soon after our vows, marriage is way more fun than I'd anticipated. Being older, and having program as our base, makes all the difference - one day at a time.

Have you thought ahead to what you'd like to happen after you die? Does anyone else know your wishes? Thinking of friends and/or family that you may see only occasionally, is there anyone who'd benefit from knowing what they mean to you? How do you envision your summer unfolding (or winter, if you're in the southern hemisphere)?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And note that I will have a supply with me at the AA International Convention in Vancouver, BC in July. Can't wait!