Monumental?

 First of all, huge apologies to those of you who've been leaving comments on these posts. My gmail account hides those comments in a different email folder from regular mail. Sigh. Now that I know where to look, I say, "Thank you," and "Sorry." I truly appreciate the interactions, no matter how untimely I've been!

So after attempting to process my post-Camino feelings, someone recommended a book called, appropriately, Returning from Camino, which I purchased, along with a journal with prompts. When in doubt, ask others for their advice and input, and then heed it! What the book suggests is that coming home is as much a part of the Camino as leaving, and to be gentle with oneself as I reacclimate to the day-to-day.

The journal is good. I've been spending time with it daily, while the experience is still fresh in my mind and heart. One thing it has asked in a couple of different ways is "What was a monumental experience?" I have several answers for that, including my friend's injury as well as my entering the cathedral square. The question made me think of my life in general - what has been monumental? (Maybe more accurately would be what hasn't been monumental!)

My father's death at age 56 from tobacco related cancer was monumental, taking years to process. Visiting the pyramids in Egypt was monumental. Meeting the meth cook and the resulting hitting rock bottom was monumental, as was crossing the threshold into treatment and recovery. The pain of break-up(s) felt monumental, leading to walking down the aisle with a good man.

What struck me, of course, is that "monumental" can be either a negative or a positive with the definition of "large, impressive in extent...marking a turning point or a major accomplishment." I don't think that we AA's and Alanons have a market on life-changing experiences, but we are definitely able to define a "before" and "after," for events that changed the course of our lives. 

I don't want to use the word lightly, however. Yes, the Camino was a wonderful experience, "and" in the grand scheme of things, I don't feel like I've changed like some foretold, as in, "You won't be the same," or "The Camino will change your life."  I made some new friends and solidified an inner strength I may have doubted, as well as forging a new relationship to "trust the process," and my life doesn't need changing, unlike those I met who walked seeking discernment regarding career or relationship issues.

I do have to chuckle at myself with the "trust the process," something I've struggled with since first coming into recovery. Here I am, 70 years old, 39-plus years sober, and I still have moments of questioning. I can chastise myself with, "This again?!" or can recognize that each time my old fears and desire to control gets triggered, I move a little closer to acceptance and letting go. 

While listening to the oldies station in the car this week, "the" song played, the one of wishful thinking that the cute boy would ask me to dance in 7th grade. I found myself a bit teary for the girl who, so young, looked outside myself for something to make me feel better on the inside. The cute boy, the perfect outfit, the correct weight or right makeup... definitely a product of my generation and my upbringing. I know, I know - if I'd known better, I would've done better. I just wish I'd known better a bit sooner. And, as a old(er) woman, I can give thanks for all that has brought me to this moment of relative peace - chasing a crush, saying "yes" when "no" might've been a better choice, turning left when I should've turned right... As the old t-shirt said, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood," which depends on my perspective. I can focus on the fun and freedom I enjoyed as a kid, or on the lack of direction and supervision. I can look at various choices as steppingstones, or roadblocks. I can remember that right here, right now, all is more than ok.

What stands out as monumental in your life, either before or after recovery? Has your relationship to your story changed over time?  What are events you may have viewed as tragic that you now see as gifts?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And note that I will have a supply with me at the AA International Convention in Vancouver, BC in July. Can't wait!