Each day back I feel more and more tethered to home, but jet lag is real (!) and as my first sponsor used to tell me, "Re-entry is tough," encouraging me to give myself the space to reacclimate after a trip, big or small. I've been home now one week, tripping just a bit thinking about walking through quaint villages and rainy eucalyptus forests and now I'm at the grocery store. Did I leave some of my spirit on the Camino? Maybe, and I do hope I brought some Camino spirit with me - the energy of "go with the flow," "surrender to the moment," and most important, "one day at a time."
ODAT seemed both obvious and out of reach when I first came into the rooms, with future tripping a special skill that has been hard to release. The longer I'm in recovery, the more real "we just have today" gets - we really, truly just have the moment in front of us, and like I learned with my friend's injury, reality can turn on a dime.
Attending my regular walking group over the weekend, it hit me that my mojo was gone. I was feeling a bit flat. After a year of hyper-focus on preparation - emotional, physical, material - being done has me a bit empty. Mentioning that to my adopted crew, most of who are younger, two said, "That just means you need to start planning your next adventure!" Sure, and jumping right into something else when I'm barely done with this thing feels like old behavior. Maybe, just maybe, I need to hold still and allow lessons from the Camino to arise in their own time.
A friend and I have often talked about the time delay between outer circumstance and inner feelings. Someone dies, a job ends unexpectedly, one moves, or a good friend does, retirement. My psyche tends to hold on to the former reality while I acclimate to a situation. It seems to be about letting go - to old ideas, including my desire for consistency, as well as relaxing into the present. For me, today, that means acknowledging the big deal of covering 160 miles in 12 days as well as putting pen to paper regarding what came up during the contemplative stretches of the walk.
One of my old ideas, rooted in experience, is that I don't have a good sense of direction. That has proven to be true, though here I sit at my desk, never having gotten so lost I didn't get home, but how much of that belief is actually true and how much feeds a self-defeating fear? What I learned on the Camino is that I could utilize tools (talking with English speaking teenagers, taking a photo of the streetcorner where I need to turn to get back to my hotel, asking for help) whereas in my drinking days I might've just stayed in rather than brave the unknown. I also drew on tried and true recovery skills, as in leaving a group dinner early as the wine and liquor flowed and making sure I kept hold of my water glass lest it be topped off with white wine. I never felt particularly uncomfortable around alcohol, but mindful and aware of my surroundings, grateful for years of practice.
So, last week I was there and this week I'm here, and "wherever you go, there you are." I am aware of and grateful for the privilege that lets me go off on a grand adventure, and incredibly grateful, always, that I didn't die at the end of a syringe or behind the wheel while drunk. As I settle back into my life of relative simplicity, I am aware of the sweetness of neighborhood spring blooms, our cats' purrs, dinner with my dear spouse, my regular meetings. Life is good.
Has the truth of ODAT shifted for you over your years of sobriety? What gifts might you be taking for granted if you don't stop to notice? If you are experiencing any sort of transition, how do you allow your emotions to catch up with the new reality? What old ideas continue to pop up for you? Are they real, or a habit?
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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.
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