Spiritual fitness

 There was a placard at my gym this week listing four main goals of fitness: strength, balance, flexibility, and endurance. Endurance I have in spades. Point me in a direction and I can walk for literally hours. Strength? So-so, but not bad for an old broad. Flexibility and balance are where I need focus. My mom could put her hands flat on the floor into her 80's. Me, well, do my shins count??

It struck me that those four areas of fitness - strength, balance, flexibility and endurance - also apply to life and to recovery. Do I have the strength to follow the path, to keep coming back, to interrupt unhelpful thoughts? Is my life balanced - not always equal time, but a give and take between active and passive, social and solitude? What about flexibility? Am I a "bleeding deacon" or can I go with the flow of new ideas? And endurance. Am I in it for the long haul, or do I have one eye on the door? 

It hit me as I was sharing in one of my home groups this week that the "you either grow or you go" statement from my first sponsor can be seen as a warning (which is how I've viewed it), but just maybe it's an invitation, an invitation to go deeper, to truly listen for the still, small voice of wisdom, that internal knowing that can nudge me one way or another - the Step 10-ish spot check for flexibility, strength, endurance and balance. 

As I'm now well into my 40th year (ha ha) I'm noticing a softening, a leaning towards a more gentle application of the principles. I'm also noticing the "sometimes quickly, sometimes so very slowly." For example, anytime forgiveness has come up as a topic over the years, my mind zeroed in on an incident that happened in 1979 or 80. It was ugly, the person made a non-specific amends years later, but I've long held on to the "How dare they?" energy. Somewhere in the last year or so I had to ask myself, as my brain jumped back to the long ago hurt, whether or not I wanted to be judged by the worst thing I'd ever done (and which of my crummy actions would count as the "worst?") and if I could forgive myself, or outgrow that guilt, perhaps I could do the same for this one nugget of resentment. I didn't do any formal letting go, but the next time I saw this person, realized I was at a place of neutrality, in the moment and not 1980. 

This life lesson probably falls under the "drop the rock" category. As we say in Alanon, "How important is it?" The past is the past is the past. Holding on to an old hurt serves no one, especially if it isn't something I'm willing to discuss with the other person(s) involved (or can't because they're no longer with us). This whole "one day at a time" stuff is making more and more sense as I get older. But how, exactly, do I anchor myself in the here and now rather than the "then" or the "someday?" I've been attempting to watch my thoughts, steering them back to the task at hand when I notice myself in "out-there land." 

It is a discipline, this effort at not following the storyline of "coulda, shoulda, woulda," or, where I'm more likely to go, "Planning-ville." Stay in my hula-hoop, which is right around me as I sit, not out there on the sidewalks of next week or next month.

How might you see yourself in relation to strength, endurance, flexibility and balance? What does the concept of personal or spiritual growth mean to you if the concept of "grow or go" is an invitation? Are there lingering resentments you can release after all this time? What helps you stay in the present moment?

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Is it time for a new year inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.

Be-ing

 Reflecting on something the New Year's Day speaker I listened to said regarding sponsorship - that at 55 years she doesn't have an official sponsor, but does have people she talks to, aka "trusted others" - it struck me that maybe what I fear as resting on my laurels could very well be serenity. Maybe, much like when I retired from the workforce, I can release the energy of striving, striving, striving - always looking to improve in some form or another. Maybe with long-term sobriety, emotional and physical, I can allow myself some space and grace to simply be. Be, while staying aware of the mental blind spot, that retrogressive groove the Big Book warns about, as in lying to myself or others about my motives, shirking responsibilities, forgetting my primary purpose. One day at a time I can seek counsel as needed, and trust the inner wisdom that has brought me this far.

As I marked my 39th sober-versary last week, I thought about all those who impacted that decision - the good friend (still) who suggested my boyfriend (before he was my kinda-ex) tell my grief therapist that I was shooting up, the cousin who sent me Bible verses, her sister who worked with my kinda-ex  to arrange treatment, and that he didn't give up on me despite my despicable behaviors, and even the meth cook lover who suggested it might not be a bad idea to take a break (and who drove me to treatment and took my car home). And, maybe back then, people closed AA meetings by invoking a moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers, and just maybe that energy of love was somewhere in the atmosphere, drawing me in before I even knew I needed to change.

Not everything of course - some things are just plain shitty - but quite often what I think of as negative in the moment turns out to have been the best that could've happened, a stepping stone towards things and situations better for me, like the breakup that felt sudden, the job that ended unexpectedly - so many of those big and small happenings that served to redirect my path. 

It has been the many lessons in letting go that have taken me from victim and blame to acceptance. It was probably a decade before I could admit I couldn't likely have stayed sober had my kinda-ex come back once I went through treatment, and a couple of years after the fact to acknowledge that my then- supervisor was spot on about my abilities and motivations. My initial reaction to change I didn't initiate is generally an "Oh no!" clenching and tightening and trying to hang on to energy that has moved on. I once heard "When the horse is dead, get off of it." Not "try to resuscitate it," but simply let go (ha! simply does not mean easy)

Who knows? I do know that it all, "it" including those who had my best interests at heart, like my bestie who drove my mom to Family Day each week when I was in rehab, like the treatment pals who moved into my house as roommates in those crucial post-treatment months, the old guy at the noon meeting who remembered my name when I came back a second time - it all has worked out. As a treatment counselor used to say, "If things were supposed to be any other way, they'd be different."  And with now plenty of life experience under my belt, I can see, in retrospect, that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and that it is good.

How do you relax into being, conscious, but dropping the rock of condemnation? Who contributed to your getting sober? Have you ever thanked them? What are situations you initially thought were the end of the world that turned out for the best? And even if not "for the best," are there lessons learned? Are there any "dead horses" in your life that need to be left alone?

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Is it time for a new year inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.

Best wishes for the new year

 A happy new year to all - may 2025 be gentle and sober, whatever life on life's terms brings.

We attended the Year End Roundup this past weekend, in Seaside, Oregon - a small (300 attendees?) conference with great speakers this time around. The opening ceremony was a woman playing a lovely Native American flute. As the haunting notes filled the large meeting room, I closed my eyes and said to myself, "Let me be open to what I need to hear this weekend." Crusty long-timer that I am, I can sometimes go into a meeting or conference thinking I know how it will go, and this time telling myself, "I'm in it for the beach." As fate would have it, the weather was terrible, so I didn't even see the ocean until a short walk during a momentary lull between downpours before we headed home. 

And as we say, "Be careful what you wish for," as I did get a couple of strong messages over the weekend. The details don't really matter, though one definitely involved my overconsumption of sugar since Thanksgiving. As a person in the open Alanon meeting said, "Once you know, you know." Dang it. When telling my story, I've sometimes said that sugar was my first drug of choice, and if that's true, what do I do about it? I'm not radical - I'll have jam on toast for example, but I'm definitely of the "one is too many and a thousand is never enough" category when it comes to candy and desserts. One day at a time, one choice at a time. 

The other subtle whisper had to do with resting on one's laurels. Do I do that? Without being obsessive about self-examination/condemnation, can I take a realistic look at my life and my program? Are there places where I'm just going through the motions? I attend a monthly Step group, but tend to do the reading the day before (or morning of). I do have a Secretary position at a couple of small zoom fellowships, have a couple of sponsees, an Alanon sponsor (dual member),,, On the surface it passes muster, but on the inside, in my heart of hearts, I'm just not sure how engaged I am besides the "suit up and show up" portion. To that end, I've asked another long-timer if she's willing to work through the Steps with me, which feels positive. I do know that I can be hard on myself, sometimes using the "searching and fearless" as a hammer rather than a tool, so will be mindful of wearing the program like a loose garment. (I believe that's a biblical reference, but I relate to the imagery of a comfortable pair of pants rather than a wasitband too tight, an open palm vs a fist).

Earlier today, I attended an online speaker meeting with Lila R, who, with 55 years in program, so often speaks to the long-timer. Today she noted that there isn't much left that she hasn't examined. I can heed that and not go looking under rocks for characteristics real or imagined. What needs my attention will present itself. Am I perfect? Of course not. Do I have a general idea of my ism's? Yeah, pretty much. Can I drop the rock of "not enough-ism?" Maybe. Again, one day at a time, one decision at a time as I continue, now and forever, to strengthen my "pause" muscle. Relieve me of the bondage of self, the bondage of impulsivity, the bondage of future-tripping, of thinking I need to know what's next, of thinking I know what's right for you. 

That sounds worse than it actually is. By and large, life is good today, and it's good today because I've been walking the spiritual path of the 12 Steps for a long time. It is good in its simplicity and relative calm. It is good in that I know, I know who my trusted others are. I know in my bones that I am alcoholic, and I know what works for me (which is pretty much what has worked all along).

Again, a very happy new year to you. What might come up if you ask to hear what you need to hear? Is there anything whispering that you'd just as soon ignore? How might you know if you slip into "resting on your laurels" land? Who holds you accountable (and vice versa)? How do you utilize the Steps and principles as tools and not weapons?

* * *

Is it time for a new year inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.

HALTS

 I've long said that self-care is the core of my recovery. The old-timers knew what they were talking about when they said I'd be better able to fight off any urges if I'd had enough rest, eaten something healthy, wasn't pissed off at anyone, and spent time in fellowship, however that might look. 

Attention to the HALTS is still incredibly important to my serenity. I can feel totally off kilter, only to realize that instead of leaving the country on a motorcycle, I simply need a nap. Sleep is one of the final frontiers for me - I nearly always feel like I could use another hour. 

It struck me that while the standard hungry, angry, lonely, tired still fits, sometime "H" hungry can also be hungry for intellectual stimulation, for stellar conversations, for feeling like what I do matters, hungry for either adventure or a comforting routine when life feels wacky. Same with " T" tired. In addition to that nap, I can be tired of myself, as in the same old characteristics grabbing me by the ankle again and again. I can be tired of the same routine that is a blessing on other days, or most definitely tired of doom and gloom on the nightly news. 

Anger has never been a prime emotion for me. I had to learn to express anger vs the "Oh, that's ok..." syndrome. These days I'm mostly angry at systems - electric rates going up again, health care disparities, hunger in the so-called "greatest" country, wars and famines and on and on. And....free floating, or even targeted anger does little good unless it is a motivator for positive action. The old, "Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?" question. What can I do today? I can't will the electric company to lower costs, but I can register my complaint with the regulating body, and turn down the lights. Little impact, I'm sure, but it can feel good to do something and not just piss and moan.

And lonely, which can still sometimes be confusing for this introvert - welcome solitude or loneliness, the continuum. Again and again, for me it's the need for balance - sometimes time with friends or a crowd of people, or alone with a cup of tea. 

And so this is Christmas, the first day of Hanukkah, and 4 days past the winter solstice, as well as a week away from the new year. I'm grateful for a small family with no drama, and good friends to share in the holiday cheer. After a couple of gatherings here, it is nice to get our living space back in order, with serving dishes back on the shelf and folding chairs in the closet. I appreciate tradition, along with ongoing evaluation of what feels right and what can go away, along with looking forward to the perceived fresh start with the new calendar just ahead. Christmas of 1985 was a very dark day as I prepared to go to treatment. I don't recall her exact words, but at my mother's on Christmas Eve, my favorite aunt said something to the effect of "This better work - go and take care of yourself," while a few weeks earlier, a cousin asked that I let him know how it goes, since he might need it too (he got sober a few years later, after burning his life to the ground). 

Christmas time can be complicated for us alcoholics - for me anyway, as I enjoy gathering with friends and mourn those no longer here. With these years now of practice, I'm better able to go with the flow - acknowledging the inevitable sadness that comes up as well as relaxing into the joys. And always, always, gratitude for this sober life.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah or whatever it is you do or don't celebrate this time of year. Thank you for coming along for the ride. What are the traditions that feed you and what might you want to release? How do the various incarnations of HALT show up in your life today? Are you able to make time to listen to your heart?

* * * *

Might it be time for a year-end inventory or planning for the new year?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or those who prefer it, or a hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.