History as a trigger

 I'm not sure how to write about this in a general way, so I'll just dive into what's on my mind. The other evening I watched a PBS documentary about the singer, Janis Ian, who's first release was a song she wrote at age 14 called Society's Child. Released in 1966, it was considered controversial as it was about a white girl's relationship with a Black boy that the girl gave up because of society's judgements. 

My relationship with my first husband started in 1970, when acceptance in the area of interracial relationships had shifted some, but that song still hit me in my idealistic teenage heart. For the most part, my family and  peers were fine with us, but there were definitely incidences of discrimination and prejudice, mostly from adults (like the physician who told my mother to "keep her away from 'them'" to the construction workers on our street who made a snide comment about me after my boyfriend dropped me off after school, the police officer who leaned into my side of the car to ask, "Does your mother know where you are?" while staring at my boyfriend). 

Maybe it's because of the anniversary of his birthday, and of our wedding date in September, with him now gone 5 years. Maybe it was watching footage in the documentary of the social and civil rights revolution and so many being harmed. Maybe it was the grief that I still sometimes feel for the younger me that often flailed through life, but whatever the reason, I found myself weeping in my spouse's arms, sad for the 15, 16, 17-year-old me that, while sometimes acting defiant, was stunned by the overt judgment of others. (as racial prejudice wasn't something I was raised with). At the time, I collected magazine articles on the subject, wrote poetry, and talked for hours with my best friend and my boyfriend, about the ignorance that fed hate. Once married, we had a great life (for a while), back when drinking was still fun in our multi-cultural friend group. But I will say that as I contemplated the demise of the marriage (my mother was right - we were too young), I was sad to now be just another statistic of a mixed couple who didn't make it.

What does this have to do with long-term recovery? I'm not sure, other than my surprise that those old, old feelings that I may not even have acknowledged at the time, reached out to say, "Sometimes it was tough back then."  I think of the many times over the years that healing came through unexpected tears, having done the internal work, having emotionally or spiritually opened the channel, or sometimes just because of a song on the radio or a story on TV.

The late 60's and early 70's were an intense time to grow up, whether one followed a more traditional path or not. I suppose each generation has its trials and joys, from wars and politics, economics and pop culture of the day. The AA literature advises that we not get overly invested in affairs of the world. Easier said than done, and all a part of who I am today. 

And so, the beat goes on, which sometimes includes the past reaching out to grab me by the ankle with an "I bet you forgot about this!"  I've learned, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, that my emotions usually just want to be acknowledged, and in doing so, I allow them to pass on through. Sometimes that benefits from pen to paper, sometimes a conversation with a trusted other, sometimes an internal "Yes. I see you."

Are there incidences, memories or situations from your past that sometimes speak to you these days? How do you gain perspective on the past, forgiving yourself or perhaps others? Do you have tools that help you stay in the present?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area

Doing vs being...

 After an awesome week with a friend, including much of what I sometimes think I don't have time for (a day at the beach, hike in the woods, dinner with friends), it felt good to reclaim the 2nd bathroom and my office/guest room. I love getting ready for company, and... it is nice doing a reset to my usual regimen. I didn't really know that about myself before I got sober - my preference for structure and routine. Self-knowledge isn't enough to stop drinking, but it sure is a boon to my serenity today. 

As we swelter through a 2nd heatwave (100 degrees is very hot for Portland) I find myself thinking ahead to the shift in seasons. OK, a bit of future tripping as I anticipate sweater weather, but rather than thinking about what I want to do, I'm meditating on how I want to be as fall approaches. I nearly always have a To-Do list, but I also think of seasonal change as an opportunity for a mini-inventory of what's working and what isn't, whether that's related to meetings, my volunteer gig, or how I approach my days. Am I getting agitated or distracted by too much time reading the news of the day? Do I have passion for my walking practice, or am I just going through the motions (not bad in and of itself if I'm still moving, but maybe time to rethink my routes or timing)?

As August winds down, I'll make tomato sauce from our bounty because it needs to be done, but also as a way to connect with my female lineage, oh they of stout figure and full pantry. I'll check around the house exterior for any minor repairs needed, mindful of the responsibilities of homeownership. I'll start keeping an eye out for next year's journal, because it's what I love to do. 

I realize much of what I'm describing is related to "doing" but what I want to be conscious of is the attitude I bring to even mundane tasks. A friend shared something from a woman, now deceased, who knew she wouldn't live to see her young child grow up. This woman said she didn't have time to hurry, to be in a rush, knowing that she really, truly needed/wanted to savor every single moment. 

I've long been a "hurry up" kind of person, afraid to run out of time for this thing or another, not wanting to be late - in my mother's world, being on-time was late, so I know that this "ism" is at least partially learned behavior. I don't want to pathologize this trait, "and" can apply "How important is it?" when I'm feeling rushed. Am I in danger of being late for a flight, or is it merely my internal clock ticking?

Self-examination can apply to anything troubling. Perhaps procrastination is the issue or being chronically late; worries about money, real or imagined; fears around mortality or aging... pick your poison, as they say. I know that my characteristics are on a continuum, from helpful to hurtful, and they haven't really changed much over the years, other than by incremental degrees. What I appreciate about long-term recovery is that I'm (generally) aware of what is my stuff. Impatience? Check. Oldest child always right syndrome? Check. 

With August's focus on Step 8, I like to go back to the 12x12 (p.80) where Bill describes the importance of examining our personal relationships for details about ourselves. This isn't just about making a list, but about looking at how I interact in the world (because usually, the troubles I have with one person are the troubles I have with others). I love that he recommends going beyond the superficial - the lying, cheating and stealing - to discover the causes and conditions. For a long, long time, causes and conditions drove my behavior, for the most part unconsciously. And that's another benefit of long term sobriety - much of what I carried around in my head has made its way to my heart. That scared little girl, or snarky teenager, sometimes still tries to run the show, but I'm much better able to recognize and comfort that part of myself before getting into too much trouble. 

Do you have any seasonal rituals around this time of year? Are there any nourishing activities you think you don't have time for that you could do this week? In addition to things you want or need to do, how do you want to be? How does Step 8 allow you to go deeper into the dynamics of you your relationships?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them, if you're in the area.

Home

 In the last month, in two separate situations with two different people, I made up a story in my head about intention and motivation, taking the role of victim in one saga and the misunderstood spiritual warrior (again, victim) in the other. Upon further investigation, in contact with the actual people involved, the "me, me, me" proved completely false. Funny how that works - make stuff up, or ask questions. 

Years ago, someone shared their New Year's resolution to only talk to people who were actually in the room. How often do I hold entire conversations in my head, based on a snippet that might've been said, or a total fabrication? Once again and always, sound the "pause" alarm. Do I need to pick up the phone, or simply drop the fantasy (which is rarely positive)? Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...

Every year around this time I question my ongoing participation in the monthly Step Group I've been a part of for close to a decade now. Like I hear others in the group say, I don't necessarily do the "homework" (reading in Big Book and 12x12) though I do think about how the particular Step applies in my life. Realistically, these days I think of the Steps as a whole, a way of life framed in honesty, open-mindedness and willingness - willingness to own my behaviors, open to new ideas, honest with myself and others. I will say that most of my "isms" show up in my primary relationship, which I'm not always comfortable talking about at group level. Is it pride? Trust issues? Maybe a little of both, and worth a conversation with a trusted other. I am feeling, though, that it is time to either do the work (vs last minute scribbles the day of) or move on. More will be revealed. It is a good group of strong women, and in-person. (and this is what I do - talk myself out of it and back in!)

A good friend from out-of-town is visiting this week - fun to hit the road (& the restaurants!), playing tour guide, connecting with mutual friends I don't usually see, and motivation to clean house! In a couple of weeks, I get to take a road trip with my bestie. I'm so very grateful to be retired. I sometimes think I'm supposed to have a grand plan, but basically it seems to be a matter of suiting up and seeing what the day, or week, presents. 

And I'm thinking of place, where we feel we belong, as a long-time acquaintance is home holding vigil for their father's passing. This person's life is a far cry from their rural upbringing, but putting their hands and feet in the earth of the family farm feels right. I think of that sense of place as a dear friend contemplates and makes plans to move back to the Midwest, back to where they grew up, back home. My sense of place, of belonging, is firmly rooted in the mossy green of my hometown. Even as a young kid, moving from the high desert of Central Oregon, I knew that the verdant Willamette Valley was my spiritual home (along with the mountains and ocean shore). 

Certain friendships have their place also - my friend who died as a result of ALS will always be associated with a particular long hill route where we trained for several marathons. Other friends are specific to a meeting where we sat near each other, or a dear family I associate with Miami (though several of them are now elsewhere). 

I've sometimes admired friends who freely move from one part of the country to another, though know that, just for today, that isn't me. I used to chastise myself just a bit for that, but now think that my rootedness is ok. I love to travel and experience different places, from rural New Mexico to NYC and beyond. And I love coming home. 

How do you catch yourself if you're having conversations in your mind that may or may not be based in reality? Where do you feel at home? Is that where you live, or elsewhere? How does the braided way of the 12 Steps inform your life as a person in long-term recovery?

Time...

 I stopped at one of the many "Little Free Library" kiosks in the neighborhood on a morning walk this week, perusing several titles as if I was at a Barnes and Noble. I walked away with two books, one, a true story about an elephant and his person, and another non-fiction about Army and Navy nurses held captive in the Pacific during WWII. Both look to be interesting, and if not, they'll go back to the kiosk sooner rather than later.

Long gone are the days I felt I had to finish every book I started. I'm not even sure where that notion came from, though I do remember a teacher showing us how to prime a new book for reading so as not to break the spine. I've also given myself permission to read simply for pleasure, rather than forcing myself to read the classics. Yes, some of those could be for pleasure, but I don't think there will be an entrance exam to heaven, or whatever comes next (if anything). Several years ago I had a conversation with someone slightly older than me, who'd realized they didn't have time to read all of a particular author's catalog. Again, no test at the end.

No test, but how will I feel at the end of it all? Did I allow myself to be appropriately challenged? Did I sprinkle in some educational tomes along with literary fiction and the occasional detective drama? My stoic, introverted brother can be found reading, often non-fiction, whenever I stop by. He doesn't have a mobile phone, so no mindless surfing for him. How many times in a day does one actually need to check social media?

 A friend asked if I read more now that I'm retired, and I think the answer is actually a bit less. Where I used to utilize the demarcation line between work and evening as a time to read for a bit (usually something of a spiritual or program nature), these days my daytime activities seem to morph into evening, as in, "Oh, it's almost time for dinner." 

Not that I'm overly invested in monumental doings. I'm noticing a wee bit of ennui as summer begins to wind down, with an ongoing internal inventory of whether or not it's been a good summer. It's been a different summer, with my spouse's huge work schedule shift, some travel, less time sitting in parks on summer nights with friends listening to local R&B music, less time in the garden for some reason. Sometimes I think I can be a little too introspective, but if nothing else over these many years of sobriety, I've learned to pay attention when something feels off-kilter, when I catch myself engaged in self-imposed isolation.

The missing link seems to be around engaging with friends - my balance between solo and social is off.  Funny, though, as in "is it odd or is it god?" within hours of identifying that particular lack, a friend reached out to re-start our Cabal meetings after summer hiatus. Yes. Connection. Spiritual conversation with people I trust. Exhale. And wouldn't you know it, I had several deep, to the core, conversations over the weekend while attending the Summerfest conference in Eugene, OR, and delightfully ran into someone I knew as a client many years ago now. We are people who normally would not mix, but I'm so glad we do.

Normally people who would not mix, or even meet each other. I was so grateful (again, that small word for such a big emotion) to start the weekend at the conference sitting off in a corner of the hotel lobby logged on to our every-other-week across the country zoom meeting, celebrating a member's 38th anniversary. And on Sunday, my BFF who I met in treatment, celebrated 40. 40 freaking years!?! How does that even happen? Yeah, yeah, one day at a time, but how quickly those days seem to have gone. The step-daughter who was 9 when we met is now 25, my mom has been gone for 13 years, I've been retired for 5. 

Somewhere I read that making friends with the passage of time is to my benefit, rather than the "OMG!" I so often do. As the women's meditation book says, each day really is a new beginning, a potentially new adventure if I open my mind and my heart.

How has your summer been thus far? How do you notice when you're feeling off-balance, and whether that is an internal or an external matter? How do you, or might you, make friends with the passage of time, greeting aging and the calendar with gratitude rather than dread? 

* * * * * *

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them, if you're in the area.