Moving along...

I recently read that a new idea held by an old mind is really just an old idea dressed in a new outfit. To me, that fits in with the AA slogan (borrowed from the Bible?) that faith without works is dead. I can entertain all sorts of "new" ideas, but if they don't lead to action or an internal shift, I'm simply spinning my wheels until the next new thing comes along. Until I had the psychic rearrangement the Big Book writes about, I was dry (in those very few times I tried to control my drinking), and dry was an uncomfortable place to be.

In a couple of meetings this week, people talked about new beginnings, starting a new chapter, with new jobs, recent loss of a loved one, the simmering of an urge that isn't quite yet named, the pending new year...  While I don't have a big change on the horizon (that I'm aware of!), I do like to take time to ponder what went well and what didn't this year, as well as any lessons learned. 

One of my biggest lessons was that I'm more competent than I sometimes give myself credit for. As I've written about, I'm directionally challenged, so had a semi-valid fear about getting lost while walking the Camino, intensified when my friend broke her ankle and couldn't continue. But there I was, trudging the road, getting to my night's lodging each day, tagging along with others or seeking help from strangers along the way. I am never alone, even when I think I am.

I got word this week that the AA group I started, maybe 15 years ago (?) held it's final meeting, having stayed online after the pandemic. I wouldn't say it was a resentment and a coffee pot that got it going - more that the nooner I'd been at for a decade got very big and very young and I sought someplace I could more comfortably relate. Funny - along that line, someone dubbed it the old-people's meeting (hmmm) and then someone else called it "the NPR of AA." In any event, it was stellar for quite awhile, and then, for me anyway, faded a bit with schedule changes, etc. I hadn't attended in probably 6-8 years. That's the beauty of AA - whoever or however a meeting begins, groups take on a life of their own, until they don't. 

Over time, there have been several meetings that I lived for, with the perfect combination of fellowship, emotional honesty and spirituality as we all did our best to practice the principles. I currently have online groups that fit that description, though did find myself feeling a bit envious recently as a few people talked about their in-person home groups with reverence. What do they say? If you don't think your home group is the best group in the world, maybe it's time to find a new meeting. To that end, I'm making an effort at fellowship with the long-ago Sunday night home group I've gone back to. It's a big group (40 people?), and, I'm starting to connect with individuals - those newer in sobriety and those who've been around awhile. And that's what it's all about, right? The fellowship, the conversations, the "I've been there too" are what kept me coming back, and allow me to see where my experience can benefit others.

I had an interesting conversation with my brother as I near my milestone. He isn't an alcoholic (he got the family depression, I got the alcoholism), and sometimes will ask me questions, like when reading a novel that has 12 Step characters, wondering if the depictions are accurate. He wondered if I've been sitting on the edge of my seat for 40 years, hanging on for dear life. Gratefully, no, though it can be hard to explain my moment of surrender that removed the compulsion.

It's funny - my brother was there for my descent, though slightly removed from the daily insanity. My first husband's brother, on the other hand, wasn't. When we reconnected a few years ago and I told him the abridged version of my story, he was incredulous, saying he would've punched anyone who'd tried to tell him I was a drug addict. Yeah, I clean up pretty well, and the madness of the disease makes even us nice girls go places we'd never imagined (as I've said, I wasn't a good girl, but I was a nice girl ha ha).

As I write, a crew is banging around on ladders, tearing off old siding in order to repair any water damage and slap up the new stuff. Kind of fitting that it's happening as the calendar turns - discarding what no longer serves. Later today I'll take a walk with women I've known since I was 9, and from there, see my friend, the Tarot Card Lady for a reading in honor of my sober-versary. I fully anticipate being asleep before the ball drops in New York. Midnight is no longer my friend (if it ever was). 

And tomorrow will be 2026. Remember when so many were worried that planes would fall out of the sky when computers turned over to the year 2000? One more piece of evidence that I don't have a crystal ball. I can do my best, one day at a time, to suit up and show up and practice the principles - not perfectly, but humanly, and with gratitude for this sober life. 

 Are there any lessons from 2025 you'll carry forward? What old ideas might you discard?  What went well this year? How will you celebrate your successes while being gentle with yourself?    Wishing you the very best for the new year. 

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Time for a year end inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth

                  

Riding the wave

 In Speaking of Faith, by Krista Tippett, a book I picked up at a neighborhood kiosk, she mentions Einstein pointing to the theory, or fact, that "time and the experiences it holds and the wisdom it imparts work more like circles than lines" (p.12). Exactly. I've long realized that life's lessons come as a spiral. I may think I've dealt with a certain memory or characteristic, only to have it circle back around - sometimes with more strength, but usually the intensity is lessened because, ah yes, I've been here before. That certainly is true this time of year, with memories of that final (I hope) skid to the bottom.

We attended the End of Year Round-up at the Oregon coast this weekend - very light attendance, likely due to the date change (earlier in the month than usual) and weather, with a lot of flooding here in the northwest. In  addition to hearing inspiring speakers, I got to chair the 8am meeting at the Little Yellow House, a few blocks from the conference - the first place I attended a "real" AA meeting as my treatment stay wound down (staff let a couple of us near-grads go). My uncle was a long-time member there. When I first saw him in a meeting, I said, "You never saw me drunk, but I sure saw you - and you're in the right place!" Both he and his mother had decades of sobriety before they died (I was given her 2nd edition Big Book - I didn't know her well, but it's fun to see her margin notes). 

All weekend, I found myself breathing in waves of emotion, starting with passing the pull-out along the highway where I stopped on my way to treatment to shoot up for the last time. Did I know it would be the last time? Part of me figured I was getting the heat off by going in to treatment, a time out, but there must've been a tiny nugget in my soul that whispered, "You're done." Forever grateful that was the voice I heeded, once I saw what not-drinking could mean (not stupid, boring and glum by any means).

And, 'tis the season for memories galore. My former sister-in-law in the UK, who I've stayed in touch with over the decades, just sent me contact information for someone we've wondered about over the years - an Iranian man who was a friend and business associate of my ex and his brother. This guy was a lot of fun in what was a crazy and frenetic time. Whenever I hear Van Morrison's song, Wavelength, I picture him, my boyfriend and me driving around Beverly Hills smoking a joint, singing along at the top of our lungs. For these Middle Easterners, the Voice of America that Van sings about, was real, a link to a more open world they longed for as teenagers. It's been fun to exchange emails, with a vow to talk after the holidays. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and everything in between. So good to connect with someone who was there.

This guy was also the first person to suggest I carry a bag of nuts or other small snack for those times my blood sugar tanked, noticing I got a bit cranky when hungry - which happened a fair amount when traveling with my ex's family and large entourage. Who knew? In those days, I seemed to know drunk and not drunk, barely in tune with my heart or my body. Interesting that others seemed to know me better than I knew myself. Again, grateful to have developed an understanding of what makes me tick, physically as well as emotionally, and how I best operate in the world (as in HALTS).  

The Alanon speaker at the conference shared what her sponsor said: "If a sentence doesn't have your name in it, it's none of your business." Brilliant. When I say, or think, "He should _____" or "Why doesn't she ______" and the like, I'm in None of My Business Land. Quitting drinking is one thing, but man oh man, quitting efforts to control and influence people and outcomes is quite another thing altogether. which is why I'll keep coming back to both programs.

And today is Christmas Eve. I can almost touch the sense of wonder and excitement I felt as a kid, the anticipation of Santa's visit. For all that may have been lacking (my perception), there wasn't any drama at our family holidays. Dad may have been hungover, and maybe there was a nip of something or other in his coffee cup, but Christmas morning was a sweet time of parents on the couch, and my brother and I tearing into our meager gifts. I remember when they gave me a typewriter (7th or 8th grade?). Reading was such a pleasure that I wanted to tell a story that took people to another world, never guessing I'd have to nearly die in order to gather material for my novel, Shadows and Veins. A good reminder that I rarely know how today's events and experiences will inform what's ahead.

Happy Solstice, Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, or as Seinfeld said, "Happy Festivus for the rest of us." I celebrate love and recovery, family and friends, and the incremental return of the light, one day at a time.

How has your self-care been this month? Any areas that would benefit from extra attention? Whether from childhood or perhaps your recovery years, what is a warm memory you can call on if the sad times are talking to you? And a gratitude list is always a good idea. I am grateful to you, dear reader, and for this now nearly archaic form of sharing the joys and challenges of long term sobriety.

* * * * * *

Time for a year end inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth

Traditions

 After an emotional few weeks, I'm feeling re-centered and at peace. Amazing, the healing power of actually feeling the feelings rather than ignoring them (which never really works). I now feel prepared and open to experiencing the positives of the holiday season - time with friends and family, enjoying neighborhood lights and our own modified decorations (our 2 cats, while technically not kittens, are still very energetic and curious). I'll also spend extra time with my journal, reflecting on this year just passed and the one ahead. I don't do resolutions, per se, but I do generally have ideas and urges towards what I'd like to do and how I'd like to be in the coming calendar year, which coincides with my sober date. 

I am an elder, in both human years and recovery. What does that mean? A few years ago now I was in a meeting sitting next to a newer woman I knew. As a long-timer shared on and on, she leaned over and whispered, "Do all old timers talk a lot?" Dear HP, I hope not - at least I hope I'm not one who does. "Relieve me of the bondage of self," or "Let me be aware if I drift into Bleeding Deacon land." Yes, I've been sober a long time - I know how to keep the plug in the jug, for today - and I don't know what is best for you. I can share my experience, which is all I really have. Let me remember that I don't need to try to impart the sum total of my sober wisdom to the newcomer in one sitting. Chances are, they'll only hear part of it anyway, the part about "keep coming back."

"Remember when you wanted what you now have?" I ran across that quote in one of my notebooks, and yes, I do remember wishing for a relatively simple life that looked remarkably like how I live today. There is something to be said for intention, spoken or otherwise, as well as the sometimes nameless longing that quietly propels me in one direction or another. 

A young cousin is being propelled halfway across the world, moving with her youngest son to an island in the Indian Ocean as a mission of some sort or another. Good for her. She wondered what her grandmother (my aunt) would think. I think she'd be pleased. Taking a leap of faith, leaving what you know to see what the Universe has in store - heck yes! It's semi-hilarious that hers was the only diaper I've ever changed, back in 1972, and here she is, in her 50's setting out for a faraway port. Rock on.

In a meeting this week, the chair spoke to long term sobriety, wondering if there is more to learn and know at this point. For me, that is related to aging, as I, and my peers, navigate getting old. A friend had to cancel a date recently, due to health issues, reminding me that as I age, so do my friends. We are fortunate, and that can mean changes in how and when we interact (like not much driving after dark). The beat goes on, until it doesn't. I've had many experiences over the years of old-timers dying, of helping someone move into assisted living, of showing up at the hospital. May we continue to do together what we cannot do alone. 

This weekend, after walking/jogging a holiday 10k, we had friends over in an incarnation of a gathering I started in about 1987, and next week will be a Solstice meeting. I am nothing if not consistent, an appreciator of tradition. Particulars may ebb and flow, but/and I like having things to look forward to, and I am my mother's daughter - part of what can make holiday time wistful is the memory of Mom's Christmas Eve party, held from 1973 until 2011, watching cousins grow up, neighbors come and go, Mom getting "gussied up" for company, favorite treats on the table... In a time in the world that can feel so haywire and hurtful, I am comforted by the ritual of my holiday traditions. 

What traditions do you follow this time of year, and/or what have you let go of as no longer nourishing? As an elder, what do you see as your role in the program? Are there any dreams or longings whispering to you as a new year approaches? How might you express gratitude for another calendar year sober?

* * * * * *

Time for a year end inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth

Dreams and messages

 My first husband's sister was in my pre-waking dream last Friday. We chatted, and I asked if she knew her brother had died. Yes, she knew - obviously - and I remembered that she was gone too. As she started to walk away, I called her back and asked that she say "hello" to my mom and dad, and tell them I loved them. 

I got myself up and out on a rainy morning, and when I walked into my 7am Alanon group, with the church hall set up for a function, my dad's name was among the placards at various place settings. Guess where I sat? 

My "god shots" aren't always so blatant, and they don't seem to come as often as in early sobriety when even the sun coming up in the morning felt like a message from the cosmos. Maybe it's because life got more complicated the longer I was sober, with work and home and blah, blah, blah. Maybe it's because I allow my brain to stay busy, processing one emotion or another, planning this task or that. What I know today is that I've been in a place where the door to grieving has been open and these two signs are reminders that my departed loved ones really are near, as long as I pause to remember.

My brother has been calling frequently, and where before I might've let it go to voice mail if I was in a zoom meeting or otherwise engaged, I now pick up. He's usually just got a little observation or funny thing from his day to share and that's just fine. He's one of the only people I know who doesn't have a cell phone, so it's not like he can text somebody to say "hey" so I will answer my phone, and share my own little observations or funny thing from the day as he adjusts to life as a widower. The good news is that I like him and we get along well. I know that's a gift not everyone enjoys with their siblings.

That meeting on Friday was on the topic of grieving, and boy howdy, do we AA's and Alanons know a thing or two about grief. Our departed loved ones, yes, but also the loss of a dream for ourselves or others, dear pets, who are family members in their own right, losses related to health. One person shared about feeling grief as they get close to their quit date for retirement. I was able to share my process with them after the meeting, how I wrote an employment inventory of sorts, and sent thank you cards to several past supervisors. And in the woo-woo department, how I ran into the couple who gave me the first job in my field, having not seen them for 20 years. Kind of like with the amends process, people show up when it's time (in real life or in my dreams).

I'm making an effort to get re-established at my long-ago home group, attending most weeks and raising my hand to share. It's one of those meetings where they turn down the lights after the readings. It would be very easy to sit in the dark in the back row, greeting the people on either side, out of eyesight of the chair person. And, it's a process. Newcomers rightly get a fair amount of attention, and sometimes the person with time who's just moved to town (though I consistently hear those folks have to make a concerted effort to connect). But the old timer who sits quietly, who knows maybe one or two in the room? It's up to me to reach out, to "grow or go," to join the small throng shaking hands with the new person. I have signed up to chair for my anniversary... and I'll keep coming back.

How does synchronicity reach you today? How do you, or will you, make space for the still, small voice, especially in what can feel like a busy time of year? Who might benefit from your reaching out to them, just to say "hello"?

* * * * * *

Time for a year end inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth