Fears vs Reality

 

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”

 — Edith Wharton

Sometimes I don't even know where the matches are to light the darned candle, but this is a good reminder that actions, not intentions, are my contribution to either the solution or the problem. As Marieanne Williams once wrote, it's when I allow myself to go unconscious with my motives that I get myself in trouble. Know thyself...to thine own self be true... work the Steps...

I was in a meeting this week where the topic veered to "fear," leading me to look up the dictionary meaning of the word: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat; a primal emotion that warns us of danger and helps us protect ourselves. I realized, as I listened to others, and reviewed my own internal fears list, that I tend more towards anxiety, defined as a natural human emotion characterized by feelings of unease, worry or fear, often stemming from anticipation of danger or a stressful situation. Bingo, with anticipation the operative word, understanding that my interpretation of "danger" may be a bit skewed. 

This further came to light when I interacted with a friend who recently completed the grand adventure I'll be doing in May. I shared with her that I'm excited and a bit nervous, to which she replied, "Is there anything specific making you nervous?" I had to think about that - what is real and what is fantasy? What is my imagination and what has bearing in reality? Will the airplane fall out of the sky? Probably not, though all the recent air mishaps make me wonder. Will I die on a street corner in a foreign land? Probably not. I can do my best to leave my desk in order, but the rest isn't up to me. (A month or so before my mother died, I asked if she'd mind if I went to visit a friend out-of-state. She said "no" and that if she died while I was away, she wouldn't know the difference anyway.)

It is a good reminder, when in the grip of free-floating anxiety, to take a breath and use the Serenity Prayer, or fear inventory from the Big Book, to hone in on what I might be able to change. If my attitude is all I can actually change, I have the tools to move me in that direction: talking about my secret (fear/anxiety isn't one of the pretty emotions) with a sponsor or trusted other; use the "god box" to help let go; list what concerns me and cross out all the items that are not valid; turn off the news; trust the process, whatever that process may be for any given situation.

And in the meantime, chop wood and carry water. especially when I feel my brain pushing against the constraints of ODAT. Tomorrow will get here soon enough. 

If you were to do a fears inventory today, what would you write? Which of those items are real and which are imagined? How do you move towards acceptance of the moment, and discern the things you cannot change vs those you can?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.