Go with the flow

 

"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living a heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful."

L.R. Knost

As one who was addicted to stimulants, I was hopeful that "happy, joyous and free" meant all day, every day. Later, when I heard about the runner's high, I waited for the jolt of energy, sadly learning that the "high" referenced was of the more mellow, all-is-well variety. As I've heard others say, I'd sometimes wonder where the cash and prizes were kept, the unicorns and rainbows of my imagined cartoon universe. Alas, life is amazing and then awful, and sometimes just is, and today that's ok when I remember that every shift in mood doesn't require an inventory.

Case in point - last week I did a 45-minute share at a good meeting out of Pittsburg. Because of the length, I spent a fair amount of time in the "what it was like" portion of the story - claiming my seat, as we say, though I do hope that the bulk of the share was "what it's like now." Anyhow, the next day, I felt flat, with some reflection that I came to understand was grief. The three men I was in relationship with before sobriety are all dead - one from an overdose, one the result of alcoholism, and one from lung cancer. Good men, all of them. Maybe not right for me in the long run, but decent human beings, and except for the man who overdosed, I was able to make living amends, over time (vs the desperate "I'm sorry!" attempt of early sobriety). Life marches on, until it doesn't.

I've learned this week of two deaths - one an older guy with 44 years sober, and another, a man younger than me who was very active in the recovery community. Again and again, we just never know. 

As I think about several friends who are in big life transitions, I'm reminded that change is the nature of life, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. For countless generations, there were guides to escort Muslims to the hajj in Mecca. and now there is google-maps. "Red Cap" porters at airports or train stations lost their profession to rolling suitcases. A niece lost her graphic arts job to a computer. I read about people worried that their jobs will go away with a shift to green energy. Yeah, probably. and change is the nature of life, whether I like the idea of AI taking over or not.

I can better cope with change when I'm in at least some control of the process. It's been those rug-pulled-out-from-under-me upsets that get me in a tizzy, whether a relationship ending unexpectedly (but do they really?) or an employer going belly-up, or someone dying that I thought would live forever. We used to say, "Go with the flow, man" and that still applies (minus the reefer), though it's sometimes hard for me to initially recognize when I'm swimming upstream. 

Will I ever get to the place where acceptance is my first thought? Where detachment comes naturally? When I intuitively remember to keep my mouth shut (WAIT - why am I talking?). Progress, not perfection, one step at a time. 

What transitions may be happening in your life, from the change of seasons to a change in circumstance? How do you remember to "go with the flow" these days, when you might rather be in charge?

* * * * * * *

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.