Sober Long Time 7/21/21 Wherever I go, there I am

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This morning, I had a good/enlightening/affirming conversation with the woman I'm in a co-sponsor relationship with. We chuckled with the gift of recognition as we shared, almost verbatim, what had been pushing our buttons. Another piece of evidence that trapped inside my head, my "issues" can seem humungous, but once spoken aloud, I see that I am dreadfully like other people. (James Russell Lowell: "Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people."

I am dreadfully and blessedly like other people, and my isms are my isms are my isms. I've mentioned the Cabal in past posts - three of us who've been meeting regularly for nearly a decade. After going around our little circle last week, we joked that by this point, we could each simply say, "My stuff," as the others nodded sagely. Every so often, a new variation of "relieve me of the bondage of self" pops up, but essentially, wherever I go, there I am.

The "wherever I go" this week has included the animal kingdom, crossing paths with a coyote on my morning walk today, and watching hummingbirds and dragonflies in the garden. The other day, I sadly saw a young raccoon in someone's front yard, curled up like sleeping, though not. And yesterday I laughed at a squirrel scampering by with not one, not two, but three walnuts on a stem in her mouth. (I've read that squirrels don't actually remember where they bury food, but just keep digging until they find something.) I live in a city of over 600,000 people, so am always delighted, and just a little sad, when I see our mammal cousins making their way in the urban setting. Mother Nature is doing her best to survive and thrive, despite us. And, stopping to notice the critters helps me to take a breath and relax into the moment.

Speaking of determination, after having two Trees of Heaven removed from the backyard last summer, we're now in the season of Tree of Hell. Literally every day I come upon new sprouts throughout the yard, persistent and invasive species that it is. It makes me think of alcoholism, how when we stop the drinking and drugging, we/I need to be attentive to where else the disease may rear its ugly head. Even with attention to the daily reprieve, various cravings for "more" can show up, quietly or otherwise. I've seen people turn to spending or food, gambling or relationships - all in a misguided effort to quiet the demon that says we're not ok without a fix of some sort. It helps me to think about that as time goes on. The demons aren't as overt these days, but I can sense the stealth of the too-busy schedule, or the back-and-forth with healthy eating as places where my dis-ease lurks. Is it binge TV watching? Perhaps compulsively ingesting online news? Whatever starts to feel like a "must have" bears my attention, the working of a Step or two, and a conversation with a trusted other. 

That being said, I'm wary of pathologizing my characteristics. It's the out of balance part that can turn something from an asset to a defect, pleasure to pain. But even balance isn't static - picture the teeter-totter, back and forth, balanced for a moment, then a gentle sway to one side or another.

I mentioned my tendency towards "busy" to a program friend today, and she used the example of a buffet. I may love everything on the table, but if I partake of all four types of pizza and some lasagna and maybe mashed potatoes and three different salads, I'm bound to feel a bit ill. I can think of that when I'm impulsively tempted to say, "Sure!" It goes back to my realization that if everything is special, then nothing is - I can only, emotionally and physically, handle so much activity, pleasant or obligated, without open spaces and down times to re-center.

Have you shared anything recently that let you know you are more like your fellows than you are different? What about any lurking or stealth isms? And, have you noticed anything in the animal or plant world that has helped your serenity this week?

** July and August could be a good time for a mid-year check up. See the 11/17/20 blog entry for an excerpt from I'VE BEEN SOBER A LONG TIME - NOW WHAT?, a 78 page workbook on the joys and challenges of long term recovery. Go to the WEB VERSION of this page at www.soberlongtime.com to peruse past entries, and to order the workbook via a link at the top right of the page. Thanks for your support!