I think of myself as a writer, or at the least, someone who likes to write. Why, then, is actually sitting down to write such a challenge? I finished my novel, Shadows and Veins, in 2012. That coincided with my mom going on hospice, dying 8 months later, which sapped any creative energy. Since then, zilch, other than this weekly offering, which I started in 2016. I talk about writing. I think about writing. I don't write.
It's not "writer's block" so much as lack of discipline. What I know from previous experience, and from listening to other creatives, is that writing (or drawing or playing music, etc) is a practice, much like meditation or exercise. It's about suiting up and showing up, whether I want to or not. (I'm always surprised when I hear people new to recovery talk about skipping meetings because they didn't feel like going. I don't recall being asked whether I felt like it or not - you simply go.) And much like a meeting routine, or with my running/now walking, with enough "just do it," the perpetual motion machine takes over and it becomes simply what I do - rain or shine, good days or bad. And so, in the Stages of Change model, I'm thinking about writing, which is a step in the right direction. I'll keep you posted.
I've been helping someone pack up to move from an apartment to assisted living. This is now the third or fourth time I've been part of that process (family, program people) and I'm once again struck with physical evidence of life's stages as we move from Acquire-Strive-Achieve to Discard-Release-Let Go. It is the actual stuff, the material items of convenience, decoration, and inertia (I have that thing because I've always had that thing) I'm thinking about today. I'm not there yet, but what would I take to a one-room studio? Mom's carved hope chest? My grandmother's desk? A small shelf for books? What about the end table from the house I grew up in, or the dresser I've had since I was 9? What about the boxes of papers - tax returns and resumes, Mom's letters, birthday cards and journals?
It is a process, this growing older, both in sobriety and in years on the planet. Being willing to go to any lengths for my recovery has many tendrils these days - it's not just about staying away from the drink. Am I willing to take a look at my belongings and let go of the excess? Am I willing to dig a little deeper with my Step work, knowing that superficiality gives superficial results? Am I willing to relax into what is rather than fighting upstream?
Relaxing into what is has been a process during this Covid time. Last spring, as the virus was ravaging the nation, a friend started a small, masked and distanced meeting in a local park - a lifesaver in those first dark days that felt so foreign. Once the clocks and weather changed, we went online, then to her backyard as the rains ceased, sometimes with blankets and a fire, still distanced, still masked. The masks went away as we got vaccinated, and then this week, for the first time, we stood and held hands while reciting the Serenity Prayer. I cried tears of relief and joy, hearing our voices in the amplified circle, so different from Zoom and even different from our distanced chairs. We hugged, for the first time - simple, yet profound acts of connection.
In another small act of connection, I spent time with a handful of cousins for the first time since Covid, and this weekend, a larger grouping of the same family will gather. Some of this clan were part of my daily life growing up, while others we only saw at Christmas. What we share is history, the common ancestor or two, even if just by marriage. Again, like with the small weekly AA meeting, it is the gathering, the looking into each other's eyes, and now, the hugs, that simple sweetness I'll now never take for granted.
What is your heart saying to you this week? Have you been procrastinating on any projects or goals? What might it take to move from thought to action, whether that is a task, a Step, or a phone call to a friend? Where does "Trust the Process" fit for you today?
**Attention email subscribers - in the coming few days, I'll try sending this via the new server, so you'll get two emails this week. Stay tuned!
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