Resentments

 I attended a good speaker/discussion meeting this past week - Beacon Group out of Boston (online, noon EST, with a speaker archive available) on the topic of Step 4 Resentments. The speaker shared helpful instructions, taken from the Big Book, on how we can address our inner demons, the part of us that plays the tape of "wrongs" over and over in our minds. The speaker said something similar to what Lila R says, basically, that if I'm not the problem, there is no solution because as much as I'd like to think differently, I cannot control you (or whatever/whoever I'm resenting). All I can really do is change my attitude, which can feel like a tall order.

I've long held to the personal truth that I'm not an angry person, so resentments aren't really my issue. But I recognized myself in much of what the speaker talked about - ruminating, the focus on "me, me, me" and my comforts, as well as how I give my power to someone else when I focus on how I think I've been mistreated in some way, shape or form, real or imagined.

In the breakout room after the main speaker I heard something that has me re-thinking my relationship to resentments. What this member said was, "I'm not an angry person, but I'm scared." Zing! Yes, that's me in a nutshell (emphasis on "nut"). My fear is that, like the literature says, I'll lose something I have, or not get something I want, and if I drill down on that, the core fear is that I'm not enough - not funny enough, cute enough, smart enough, etc etc etc.. My "mistakes" as it says in discussion of Step 4 (or "my part") is that I sometimes conflate facts, misinterpret information, and ruminate on the "what if's." What if, instead, I took a deep breath and changed my perspective? What if I looked at my "problem" from all angles, in the cold light of day?

The "isms" are so much more subtle these days. My sometimes-dysfunctional characteristics don't come marching up the front stairs yelling, "Hey! Let's screw everything up by being selfish and self-centered!" Nor do other people's defenses necessarily announce themselves. I need to be very careful to stay in my own inventory, not someone else's (ah, the temptation...) as in when I think I know their motives or backstory. When I am in a crunchy place with myself or someone else, how do I stay on my side of the street? How do I drill down to what is really bothering me vs what's dressed up as someone else's stuff?

This can definitely be a time of year for both joy and irritation. Where did all these cars come from?!? I would say that I don't buy into holiday madness, and it can be hard to avoid completely. It's my choice to inwardly snarl at the delivery driver who's racing along on my walking route at 7am, or I can simply say, "Good morning," knowing that they are working a lot harder than I am. Food can be a trigger for me, as in cookies and cheese trays and candies, oh my! There again, I have choices, one of which is to put down the battering ram. Richard Rohr recently wrote that Spirit saves us in our bodies, not from our bodies. Ah, I need not be my own enemy, at least not today.

Especially this time of year, how do you cut yourself some slack from internal or external expectations? How do you stay open to lessons about the Steps and learning more about yourself, if you might be thinking, "I've got this"? How do fear and/or anger show up for you today and what do you do to get back to center when they do?

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Thinking of a year-end inventory or a holiday gift for a sponsee? I've restocked my supply of the workbook "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?"  with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. (See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample.) Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you). Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions.  You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th