One of my daily readers asks the question, "What is it you really want?" versus what you think you're supposed to want, or what I'd add, what you may have wanted in the past but now aren't so sure?
What initially came to mind is the standard "health and well-being for me and my loved ones," but then I wondered if the question is really more about "what do you want to do?" Sure, I want world peace and prosperity for myself and others, but those are more generalized and not things I have much control over. But "what do you want to do?" gets into the grit of how I live my life.
I think of sober habits, picked up in treatment and now simply a part of who I am - make the bed each morning, time with daily readers, which have changed several times over the years - small morning habits that set the stage for practicing the principles in all my affairs. Meetings are part of my recovery habit - yes, still. I like "us" and I appreciate hearing how others live life on life's terms, or as a friend recently said, life on spiritual terms. I'm not a church-goer, and haven't had much formal religious education. I think of meetings as my spiritual home. Meetings and walking in the woods, as well as on the beach when I can get there.
And then there is the whole deal of practicing the principles in all my affairs, the focus of December Step 12 work specifically, but really, the focus always. Something came up this week that I didn't want to talk about with my sponsor. I will acknowledge that at 37+ years sober, I do sometimes consult a couple of trusted others in lieu of my sponsor, seeing as how they've lived the back story with me. But this was sponsor material and I resisted out of fear around judgement, out of not wanting to be told what to do (neither of which my sponsor does). I realized that it was ego, the thinking I should have it all figured out by now, not wanting to appear less than perfect. Fortunately, another of the long-term sober habits I have is picking up the phone, no matter how heavy (or the email or the text). I know I'm as sick as my secrets, so I made the contact. And as I was reminded in a speaker meeting this week, I'm practicing Step 2 anytime I get out of my own head and reach out to another person in the program.
I continue to be presented with serendipity as I'm relaxing into opening to the mystery. Just yesterday I got a call from someone I've known professionally for many years. In the course of the conversation, "one day at a time" came out, with his asking, "Is there a part of your story I don't know?" Well, yes, quite a lot of it actually. It turns out that I was his first phone call after learning that an alcoholic family member had attempted taking their own life. I heard his voice crack as he expressed gratitude to know that there are happy endings. Coincidence? Maybe.
So what is it I really want? I want to travel and spend time out of doors. I want to continue growing in our program, which, to me, means deepening my spiritual connections. I want to grow old with my spouse (oh wait, we already are old!), knowing there are no guarantees. I want my brother to be content, and his wife to further settle in to her memory-care foster home. I want to enjoy and appreciate my stepdaughter growing into a happy adulthood. I want to keep up my distance-walking and contribute to my overall health (again, no guarantees). I want to read good books and watch good movies. I want to gather with friends, actually or virtually (thank you zoom!) And, one day at a time, I want to continue living in gratitude for this life I'd never imagined.
What is it that you really want, and/or really want to do? If time and money were no object, where would the journey take you, whether that is related to job, home or adventure? Has serendipity visited you this week?
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Thinking of a year-end inventory? I've restocked my supply of the workbook "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. (See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample.) Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you). Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th
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