Be-ing

 Reflecting on something the New Year's Day speaker I listened to said regarding sponsorship - that at 55 years she doesn't have an official sponsor, but does have people she talks to, aka "trusted others" - it struck me that maybe what I fear as resting on my laurels could very well be serenity. Maybe, much like when I retired from the workforce, I can release the energy of striving, striving, striving - always looking to improve in some form or another. Maybe with long-term sobriety, emotional and physical, I can allow myself some space and grace to simply be. Be, while staying aware of the mental blind spot, that retrogressive groove the Big Book warns about, as in lying to myself or others about my motives, shirking responsibilities, forgetting my primary purpose. One day at a time I can seek counsel as needed, and trust the inner wisdom that has brought me this far.

As I marked my 39th sober-versary last week, I thought about all those who impacted that decision - the good friend (still) who suggested my boyfriend (before he was my kinda-ex) tell my grief therapist that I was shooting up, the cousin who sent me Bible verses, her sister who worked with my kinda-ex  to arrange treatment, and that he didn't give up on me despite my despicable behaviors, and even the meth cook lover who suggested it might not be a bad idea to take a break (and who drove me to treatment and took my car home). And, maybe back then, people closed AA meetings by invoking a moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers, and just maybe that energy of love was somewhere in the atmosphere, drawing me in before I even knew I needed to change.

Not everything of course - some things are just plain shitty - but quite often what I think of as negative in the moment turns out to have been the best that could've happened, a stepping stone towards things and situations better for me, like the breakup that felt sudden, the job that ended unexpectedly - so many of those big and small happenings that served to redirect my path. 

It has been the many lessons in letting go that have taken me from victim and blame to acceptance. It was probably a decade before I could admit I couldn't likely have stayed sober had my kinda-ex come back once I went through treatment, and a couple of years after the fact to acknowledge that my then- supervisor was spot on about my abilities and motivations. My initial reaction to change I didn't initiate is generally an "Oh no!" clenching and tightening and trying to hang on to energy that has moved on. I once heard "When the horse is dead, get off of it." Not "try to resuscitate it," but simply let go (ha! simply does not mean easy)

Who knows? I do know that it all, "it" including those who had my best interests at heart, like my bestie who drove my mom to Family Day each week when I was in rehab, like the treatment pals who moved into my house as roommates in those crucial post-treatment months, the old guy at the noon meeting who remembered my name when I came back a second time - it all has worked out. As a treatment counselor used to say, "If things were supposed to be any other way, they'd be different."  And with now plenty of life experience under my belt, I can see, in retrospect, that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and that it is good.

How do you relax into being, conscious, but dropping the rock of condemnation? Who contributed to your getting sober? Have you ever thanked them? What are situations you initially thought were the end of the world that turned out for the best? And even if not "for the best," are there lessons learned? Are there any "dead horses" in your life that need to be left alone?

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Is it time for a new year inventory as we enter 2025?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.