Solitude vs Isolation...

I am a person who functions best with routine. My dear spouse has a work schedule that changes every 3 months. This has been a bit of a challenge. Just when I get acclimated to a particular homecoming time, it shifts, and then shifts again, and yet again. My task, always, is to maintain my center regardless of what is going on around me.

Where I often find myself is in the middle of the "solitude vs isolation" dilemma.  How do I balance time with my husband, precious time with friends, and my introvert's need for solitary regeneration? How do I continue to stay aware of my motives so that I can catch myself when I'm using being an introvert as an excuse for isolation?  When am I lonely, but telling myself that I'm f-i-n-e?

The poet Marianne Moore once wrote that "the cure for loneliness is solitude." I didn't understand what that meant when it was first suggested to me nearly a decade ago. I was anticipating the passing of my favorite aunt, was navigating a break-up, and felt alienated from the social community I'd been a part of for the preceding few years. Determined to experience SOLITUDE, I spent many a winter night reading Rilke while listening to a Miles Davis CD. It was tragic - all that was missing was scotch and a cigarette.  I was trying so hard to reach a healing place, but all I felt was sad and alone.

Lonely wants someone or something to fill the void. Solitude is like a deep breath. And trying to justify my gyrations around escaping loneliness is uncomfortable, though it can take  awhile to recognize the discomfort for what it is. My first reaction to discomfort is to want to change it - somehow, some way, whether that is trying to out run it, smother it with chocolate sauce, or just pretend it isn't there. What I've come to realize is that my feelings just want to be acknowledged so that they can move through me without needing to demand attention. Sitting still, whether in company or alone, is often what is needed, and generally the last thing I think to do.

I am a human being. Sometimes I will feel lonely, and sometimes I will want to be alone. Sometimes, too, I will seek the company of those friends who've walked this journey with me for many years. And, I will nurture myself through schedule changes, grateful for that my spouse and I both have work we enjoy.  I will continue to pay attention to those quiet urges that want solitude, or laughter with friends, or a cozy evening with my love.  I need all three and not always in equal measure. One day at a time, I will choose, consciously.