Regrets...

A friend recently forwarded an article by Gordon Marino, a professor of philosophy at St. Olaf College, on regret, a human emotion that can guide our behavior for the better, or can torture us for decades based on what we "should" have done. He says, "We can learn to let things go, but before we let them go, we have to let regret get hold of us."

Oh, do we alcoholics know about regret! The road to sobriety, for many of us, is paved, not with good intentions, but with regret heaped upon regret heaped upon regret. "I'll never do that again..." (but we do), "Please forgive me," (again), "I am sorry" (yes, you are.).  And then we enter recovery and are gifted with the 12 Step path that guides us to take inventory of who we are and what we have done. With that knowledge, written with courage and tears, then shared with another person, we gain insight into what, exactly, are the "nature of our wrongs," which goes much deeper than the superficial actions that got us in trouble in the first place. We ask Higher Power to remove those aspects of character that are troublesome (which, for me, usually means that my awareness of them increases ten-fold). Then, and only then, are we to commence seeking out those we have harmed in order to make amends. Sometimes those overtures are received graciously. Sometimes, not. And then we move on to, if not self-forgiveness, the self-awareness required to change.

Regret had a vicious hold on me when I entered recovery. One of the 9th Step "Promises" says that "we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."  I'm sorry, but there are some things that I both regret, and wish to shut the door on. I regret the immaturity that ended my first marriage through an infidelity, rather than my stepping up to say, "I need to leave."  I regret that I then harmed the man I left my husband for with my acting out and drug use. I was tortured with regret for years, and did my best to ask forgiveness. One man accepted those amends, the other didn't. What came out of that for me was an inventory on morals and values - what did I believe? Who did I want to be as a recovering woman? And out of that process, the resolve that infidelity was no longer an option. I've said that since getting sober I've learned to stop one relationship before starting another. That often gets a chuckle, but the truth is that there is a lot of pain in that statement. And out of that pain, that regret, comes the resolve and the commitment to do things differently, to travel on this earth in a way that doesn't intentionally harm another.

I've had regrets in the years since getting sober - mostly of the "decisions based on self" variety, usually when I've been in a hurry, though I don't always recognize the agitation that wants me to make any decision rather than feel uncomfortable. I can still hear my dear father admonishing me to "slow down, Jeanine!" as I raced out of the bathroom pulling my pants up to rejoin the softball game in the street. Slow down, Jeanine. To borrow from a program saying, I haven't gotten into trouble every time I've been in a hurry, but nearly every time I've gotten into trouble/made a mistake/wished I hadn't, I've been in a hurry. Slow down.

I regret not listening to my mother (she was right - I wish I'd continued with the piano, and I was too young to get married the first time). I regret making choices out of fear. I regret not listening to the still, small voice that whispered to me when a particular job, relationship or friendship wasn't working. I regret barreling along in "self will" when I knew deep inside that a certain action wasn't in my best interest, or another's.

The challenge of maturity is to learn the lessons without making the mistakes. That's where "pause when agitated or doubtful" comes in. Ah, yes. Pause. That is a spiritual muscle that has taken decades to develop. It is not my first line of defense. But I'm learning, still and always. Regret didn't feel good 31 years ago, and it sure doesn't feel good today. The difference is that today I do have choices, and enough experience to know that what's a good idea today will be a good idea tomorrow. I have enough presence, usually, to bite my tongue when speaking up is not my place. I don't live completely regret-free, but these days, they are fewer and far less toxic.

Yes, there are still a few regrets from the past that I'd like to shut the door on, but today I understand that they are my greatest teachers. Dear reader, what have been your greatest teachers? How do you pause today so that you have fewer regrets tomorrow?