Thursday, July 20, 2017

Last night I sat in a park, listening to a couple of Blues masters, with two women that I've known since 3rd grade, my best friend since age 18, and her Auntie, a gal with more pizzazz at 88 than someone half her age.  My former sister-in-law was there with another group, as was a fellow I've known since we both came in to recovery 30+ years ago. Other attendees at the event were a combination of folks from the neighborhood, both gentrified and the original community. It was a beautiful evening. Watching a fellow in a wheelchair on the dance floor do with his arms and shoulders what he couldn't do with his legs, a beautiful young lesbian couple swing dancing, a woman keeping time with her own personal tambourine, and various old hippies and others grooving to the beat, reminded me how much I love Portland in the summer, and how grateful I am that several of my friends and I have stayed in or near the NE neighborhood where we grew up.

I told my story at a Speaker Meeting earlier this week, and as I was thinking about my remarks and the inevitable slide towards hitting bottom, it struck me that this is what I've always wanted, this life that is rich in its simplicity. Back when I had the notion that a little more research was in order, and shared that in a meeting, a woman in the back of the room, who I've only seen once since, said that when she got to AA, all she wanted was to stop drinking and stop hurting, but that she'd gotten so much more. She described her simple, beautiful life, saying that she enjoyed her work, had strong friendships and amended relationships with family, and that she went home to a good man at night. For the first time, I felt that ache of recognition - that "I want what she has" feeling of connection and similarity that we are sometimes fortunate to find in recovery. I didn't want her life, her friends, but I wanted those things for myself, and I realize now that is what I've always wanted.

I could add to the list: I wanted to see the world (check), I wanted to write a book (check), I wanted to go to college (check), but at the heart of things, what I really wanted was stability - a cozy home, a garden for growing tomatoes and flowers to put in a vase, good friends, good books, good music, and that good man to go home to at night.

I am blessed, dear people, and so thankful for the evolving nature of my gratitude. Oh sure, I can get snarky when I'm tired, or when one more person wanders into the intersection without so much as a glance up, but all it takes is a sweet summer evening with good friends and good music to remind me of just how beautifully simple this life of mine is.

We each have our own list of what makes us happy. What is on yours?

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