I sat in circle with 5 other women last night, each, in our own way, expressing gratitude for the subtle and not-so-subtle gifts of longer term recovery. The gains in the physical plane are obvious - no more hangovers, restored health, dishes no longer hurled through plate glass windows, driving with both eyes open...   But it is the internal, and less outwardly obvious, attainments that are the true gifts: That feeling of being ok in the world, and as was mentioned last night, my increased capacity to be present, to express compassion for myself and others, to ride the wave of upset and come back to center. As another friend once said, “I may not always be centered, but when I’m not, I don’t stay there long, and I know what to do to get back.” What I do to get back isn’t that much different than I would’ve done earlier in the recovery journey - read from the literature, go to a meeting, talk with a trusted other, journal, pray, meditate - but these days, the decision to pick up the tool kit comes naturally vs the flurry of “what do I do now?!” that plagued me in new sobriety.

When and how did this happen, this feeling of “being comfortable in my own skin?” I can tell you that it took a long time for me, a long time to settle into myself, to truly trust my inner wisdom, to still the tuning fork energy of distraction and doubt. And it’s not like I just woke up on a Tuesday and there it was. The feeling of stability has come gradually, sometimes in fits and starts. Rather than an event, it truly has been a process.  In the later part of the first year of sobriety, I noticed one day that I hadn’t thought about getting loaded for a week or so. What had been a constant companion simply wasn’t there. That’s how it’s been with serenity. Where I’ve had moments and periods during the years when all felt right with the world, there was still an underlying fear that I wasn’t really ok, that I really didn’t know what I was doing, that someone was going to find me out as an impostor. And then one day I realized that, oh, that lurking self-doubt is gone, replaced with a sense of, not just well-being, but the sense of well-being no matter what. That doesn’t mean I am confident in all situations, but not too much throws me these days. It doesn't mean that I’m not impacted by what goes on around me. I am greatly saddened that my two friends who died in Oct are no longer in this world. I am hugely missing my mom and my step-pop as we enter the holidays. I continue to be disturbed by the events of the world, both natural and man-made. And I know, I know, that all is as it is. I don’t have to like it, or approve, but “it is what it is,” and I have the choice of how to engage and how to take care of myself in the process.

There’s been a lot going on lately, both in “the” world and in “my” world.  So, change in plans. This year, Thanksgiving feels like a day to stay in after all. This year feels like a day to cook a little bird with my spouse, put our feet up and snuggle with the cats, thanking Higher Power for our many blessings. I will start the day with a gratitude list, and some time outdoors. I plan to end it with my daily prayer of "thank you."  Thank you for another day, thank you for another day clean and sober. Thank you for love and for laughter; for work I enjoy; for health; for good, good friends, and for family near and far.

What will be on your gratitude list? How will you balance the "have to's" and the "want to's" this holiday season?