The beginning of January feels clean. The cozy lights and decor of the holidays are put away, stacked on shelves, folded and categorized in ways that make perfect sense today, but could be totally confusing in 12 months. The amount of daylight is beginning to noticeably shift, my daphne and verbena bushes are beginning to bud, and, in Step Group, we are focused on One - powerlessness and unmanageability.

What does that mean in long term recovery? Yes, Step One does and always will apply to my alcoholism and addiction. I recently read an article in the New York Times saying that not everyone who abuses substances needs to practice abstinence. Apparently, those who only "kind of" abuse alcohol can learn to moderate their intake. I did not fit in that category, and even though it has been decades, I choose not to check out the theory. Given my history, I doubt that drinking now and then is possible. More importantly, I have no interest in copping a buzz. I like my sober life. I'm able to relax, have fun, sleep, dance, laugh - all those things I thought I needed alcohol for - without mind-altering substances. I have no need and no desire. I am powerless over drugs and alcohol, period, and as long as I abstain, I sustain the power of choice.

And, Step One applies to so many other areas of my life, as in ALL of them. I am powerless over people, places and things, including the weather, my spouse, neighbors, Washington, D.C. How do I practice that awareness on a daily basis? How do I  move from the creeping delusion that I can wrest satisfaction from this life if I manage well (Big Book p.61)? The truth is, I do manage well. I am paid to manage well. In fact, I once had a position as the Director of Outcomes Management - what a perfect job title for a controlling alcoholic! Reminding myself, on a daily basis, that I am not in charge of the Universe, is part of my daily mindfulness practice, which is really about slowing down. Slowing down, taking a breath, remembering that all is well, even when it doesn't seem to be.

A young woman from my home group died as a result of her alcoholism this past month. She couldn't/wouldn't/didn't choose sobriety. What is that strange mental twist that can lead us to choose death over life? What delusion of control is it that makes us think that "just one won't hurt?"

As we fully enter this new year, this new opportunity to put the Steps into action, what would go on your list of what you are powerless over? Where do you struggle with wanting to control? What might happen if you relax into trust?