Relationships Part II or, Why I Go to Alanon

Last week I wrote about using the "set aside" prayer around romantic relationships, part of which says, "so that I can have a new experience." I found that practice very helpful. Not immediately, not magic-wand presto, but eventually I found myself in a new experience, having made the decision to "let God choose next time."

The problem was that I recognized that I was having a new experience, but found myself using the same old tools - attempts at mind-reading, being in a hurry, efforts to control outcomes, wanting to know the ending while still at the beginning - my fears and insecurities hadn't caught up with my new reality.

Enter the 12 Steps. The 12 Steps are like training wheels for learning to look at what I bring to a relationship, not just what I want to get out of it. The Steps are a guide to help me stay on my side of the street, when it would be so much easier to point the finger of blaming someone else for my discomfort.

 Learning how to be present in relationship means learning how to be present to myself, as in, learning to recognize my own emotions, especially as they might be triggered by people, places and things. It's easy to react ("you made me mad/sad/glad"). It's harder to slow down and say to myself, "Hmm, that really pushed a button. I wonder why?" Our literature reminds me that if I'm upset, the problem lies within me. Sigh.

I'm no expert on relationships, or on the 12 Steps, but over time, I've become an expert on me. The old line, "I'm just an alcoholic," no longer works as an excuse for poor behavior. I've been sober now longer than I was alive before sobriety. I'm not cured, and I've been working a spiritual program of recovery now for decades. It troubles me when I hear long time members share in a meeting about how sick they still are. OK... so what are you doing to get healthier?

For me, AA and Alanon have been the foundation for self discovery, which in turn, helps me show up with integrity in my relationships at home, at work, with friends and with family. My spouse and I are both children of alcoholics, both the eldest of 2 siblings, and both are frequently right - family dynamics on parade.That we both work programs focused on taking care of ourselves in relation to others is a strong component of our success. We're not perfect, but we do a pretty good job of navigating life on life's terms. Part of it has to do with coming to our marriage in later middle-age - we've both been around the block a few times, and our tolerance and interest in drama is nil. And, part of it is the commitment to practice the principles in all our affairs. For me, that can mean asking myself, "How important is it?" or talking with my sponsor - in Alanon we're encouraged to reason things out with someone else. Often, the simple act of talking about what is in my head reminds me that we're all just muddling along at this thing called life.

I am grateful, today, for the 12 Steps working in my life - both AA and Alanon. I'm grateful for good sponsorship, and for good friends who have walked this path with me for many years, for a marriage filled with laughter, for work I enjoy, good health, and access to good meetings.

What are you grateful for today? How do the Steps positively impact your relationships with yourself and with others?