After a two month absence, I was back in my Step Group this weekend as we reviewed our efforts at working Step 7 during July. Always a meaningful discussion, and so helpful to hear how others apply our principles to daily life. It’s one thing to read about the Steps, and quite another to do the deal in the cold light of day (or the dark and gloomy night).

I was particularly struck by the reminder that when I act out of a place of anxiety and fear, others’ anxiety rises, and we’re off to the races. Like meets like, which certainly applies to the emotional energy I bring to a situation. It always comes back to me, and the vital importance of staying centered. Self-care isn't just bubble baths and candles. Self-care means prayer and meditation, saying what I mean (without saying it mean), along with doing my best to take my own emotional temperature before pointing the finger of blame. And yes, it is a lifelong process. If I were to rewrite Step 7, I'd say something like, "HP, please increase my awareness of my defenses and challenges, and grant me strength to do something different in the moment." It is that increased awareness that is both the gift and the curse of seeking maturity and internal peace.

On to Step 8. At face value, we make a list, but deeper, this Step is about amending behavior going forward. When first working the Steps, I made a list of people I had harmed: Who did I hurt, and how, intended or otherwise? Who did I lie to, cheat on, steal from (whether that was material goods or time and affection). Over time, my Step 8 grew to include those relationships I shortchanged by not being genuine, by not speaking up, by saying “yes” when I meant “no.”

At this point in recovery, and with most of my sponsees, the 8^th Step list is small, as in maybe one or two people, and generally includes oneself. When I do my yearly housecleaning inventory, not a lot new comes up because I’ve done my best to stay current with Step 10. So Step 8, as a practical matter in long-term recovery, means being kind, keeping my mouth shut when there is no real reason to speak my mind (1. Did they ask? 2. Am I the HP? If the answer to either is "no," then stop talking).  

I don’t expect to like everyone I meet. I can respect someone’s recovery without wanting to hang out. However, if I find there are relationships, past or current, that cause me an internal cringe, what do I need to do to get and keep my side of the street clean? Don’t gossip, for one. No one else needs to hear about it if I’m not crazy about someone. Don’t gossip, and cut the other person some slack. We’re all just out here being human, which, according to one of my Alanon readers, is not a character defect.

I can also practice cutting myself some slack. So I’m not perfect, even with all this sobriety? Thank goodness – wouldn’t that be unbearable? But, or rather, and, I can be mindful of my particular “isms” and do my best to think before I speak, pause before I act, pray before making a decision. It only takes a couple of seconds to check in with myself and use the THINK – is what I’m about to say Thoughtful, Helpful, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind? 

I keep coming back to the importance of the pause because it is where I struggle. I can run for four hours at a stretch, I can show up to work on time every single day, but pause for three seconds? What an order!  But, from what I hear in my meetings, I am not the only one. What a relief. I gain such comfort from sitting in a circle of like-minded others as we trudge the road, laughing at our foibles, crying together, celebrating our accomplishments - such a gift. 

What is your particular "ism?" What trips you up in your efforts to practice the principles in all your affairs? How do you apply the Steps in your daily life?