A friend recently talked about their struggles with feelings – more specifically, with allowing vulnerability. I joked that I’m the opposite – I’ll emote all over you, if you're not careful! I’m a feeler, an empath – which can be positive in my chosen profession, and can sometimes lead me down the garden path of melancholy or impulsive joy (This feels good! I want to feel even better!) In early recovery, I was advised to learn balance between intellect and emotion, head and heart. Too much of one or the other, and I’m off kilter. Living in my feelings, I’m more likely to be reactive, way up or way down as I ride the waves of emotionality. If I reside in my brain, I either feel detached or over-engage in the machinations of thinking, thinking, thinking with 3AM ruminations on what I can do for the situation du jour. Avoiding the see-saw is why I do my best to incorporate the Steps in my daily life - start the day with 1,2,3, end with 10,11, and do my best to practice the principles throughout.

How do I walk that tightrope, or the road that narrows, with pure feeling on one side, and intellect on the other? In most of my day-to-day, this doesn’t even come up. I go to work, do laundry, grocery shop, peruse Facebook... on something like auto-pilot.  It’s when I’m triggered that I can veer into the dark valley of feelings, or towards figure-it-out-ville.

A wise friend once told me that “an adult gathers information.” That can apply to buying a car or a washing machine, evaluating a job or a move. I can also apply that to my emotional and mental state. The gathering of information can involve putting pen-to-paper, purposefully sharing in a meeting, or with a sponsor or trusted other, in an effort to gain clarity. The act of speaking my confusion takes the power out of whatever has me tied in knots. So, gathering information can mean mining my internal well, looking underneath whatever distractions or defenses might be up. It can also mean talking to the person (or institution) that might be involved in my dilemma – do I truly know everything I need to know, or am I making assumptions?

If I’m struggling with balancing my thoughts and feelings, slowing down is never a bad idea. And part of the deal is accepting who I am - a feeler, much like my mother; a feeler who sometimes over-thinks. I am less impulsive than I used to be - age and experience lend themselves to slowing down. If what seems like a good idea today is sincerely a good idea, it will still be so tomorrow, or next week.  I know, too, that the person who talks about being uncomfortable with vulnerability is demonstrating vulnerability in the telling. Every time I take one tiny step past the outer boundary of my comfort zone, I move closer to healthy integration of who I was, who I am, and who I hope to be (one day at a time). 

Today, I am wrestling with a family member's uncertain medical issue. It's the in-between of not knowing that sends both my mind and my heart racing. I've called in the prayer-warriors, and have utilized my "God Box," and, more will be revealed. In the meantime, I will meditate, try not to think about it, and practice the Serenity Prayer. I can be there for my family as needed, which entails practicing my own self care.  

Are you more of a thinker, or a feeler? If your natural inclination sometimes feels out of balance, how can you strengthen the opposite trait? How might self-acceptance and a gentle touch ease your way?