As much as I'm enjoying retired life (as in very much), I've lately felt a little blown about by my social schedule. With chagrin, I realize that if I'm still complaining about being busy, it wasn't just the j-o-b but more like little-old-me. The matter of my calendar has long been a balancing act - I like a full(ish) schedule and I revel in plans that get cancelled. I'm not big on astrology, but Libra is the balance sign, though I've been reminded that equilibrium is more about flow than stasis. 

In a meeting this past week, I was reminded that I don't have to make decisions alone, whether about filling in my day-planner, or bigger life choices. Yes, there are often other people involved, but the not-alone I'm referring to is related to my inner wisdom, my spiritual guidance - that quiet place where I'm better able to discern my true heart's desires. I heard someone say recently (again, I don't have many brand new ideas) that if she is acting from a place of adrenaline, it is likely self-will. I get it. And, boy, do I get excited. Do I want to do x,y or z?  Yes! All three! The problem is that by the time "z" rolls around, I can feel a little burnt. 

I discovered this truth (though promptly forgot) when I turned 50. It was a stellar year - friends and I ran the Paris marathon, I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back up, did a multi-day bike ride, hiked around northern England with my brother, and had a big dance party. By the time my actual birthday rolled around, I was exhausted and realized that if everything is special, nothing is. If I plan two or three hikes in a week, I can numb to the beauty of my surroundings, my mind already racing on to the next date. Despite what I may think, I do not need to make up for lost time or cram all of my retirement hopes and plans into this one weird covid summer.

All that being said, I am an energetic lass who loves having things to look forward to. I am in no way clearing my calendar, but rather, looking to be more mindful of my choices. And, I need to look at where discomfort today may stem from long ago decisions. As I type this, I clearly recall the feeling, as a kid, of not wanting to miss anything. Our home was deathly quiet during my dad's drinking and depression years, and I lived for raucous weekends at my cousin's, or our little bike "gang" that flew up and down neighborhood streets at dusk. Of course, alcoholic-in-training that I was, my activities also included shoplifting candy bars, climbing on neighbors' roofs, smoking cigarettes from the upstairs window, and cursing like a sailor. In other words, a lot of fun. And, I'm probably not going to miss anything by leaving open spaces in my planner. An empty page does not need to mean "available."

I do realize that these are luxury problems. The point, always for me, is the pause, the slowing down, the paying attention to my spiritual resources. For some, that means big "G" God or Goddess. For others, universal truth or love. I've given up on trying to name whatever wisdom it is that guides me, usually via a quiet morning or afternoon cup of tea, or maybe something I'm reading, as I gradually learn to wait before saying "yes."  Alanon teaches that, "I'll get back to you" is a valid response, even if (especially if?) I impulsively want to agree to an invitation. I've also learned that waiting is an action, which can be a tough concept to grasp. A couple of other sayings come to mind: "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything," and "If it's a good idea today, it'll be a good idea tomorrow." 

As the weather shifts here in the Pacific NW, I imagine that some of these decisions will be made for me by the forecasts. I've been very fortunate to participate in a couple of small outdoor AA meetings over the past few months, and those will end with the rain and the time change. It has been such a gift to gather with others. Nearly every week, someone attends who hadn't been to an in-person meeting since March, and their exhale as they take their seat is an audible reminder of the importance of connection in person, at least some of the time.

October is the month my group focuses on Step 10 - continuing to make amends when we are wrong (not if, but when). I much prefer practicing the principles so that I don't need to promptly admit my wrongs, but part of living amends to myself is in embracing my humanness. Sometimes I snap when I should've kept quiet. Sometimes I over-book. Sometimes I get frustrated and annoyed at my fellow travelers. And sometimes I fairly skip along the road of happy destiny.

Where are you on the path today? What characteristic continues to get your attention? How do you move in to acceptance of all of it - the good and the bad referred to in the 7th Step prayer? As the season shifts, how will you stay open to what may be rather than holding on to what was?

A reminder: Since so many are off Facebook these days, you can sign up to get this weekly post via email by going to the little box on the right side of the page. 

Just in time for holiday planning, or your year-end inventory: 

I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION at www.soberlongtime.com of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time).