I attended a great (online) meeting this week focused on healing relationships as we integrate the principles of recovery, and the understanding that healing our relationships with others comes out of healing our relationship with ourselves. I can't give away what I don't have, and that includes respect, honesty and compassion. I'm reminded of "Let it begin with me," as well as "More will be revealed."

I think of my Alanon journey, going to my first meeting hoping to get my heroin-addicted boyfriend clean and sober. As we grew apart, I realized that despite my initial doubts, I had been affected by my father's alcoholism and I turned my focus to unraveling the wounds I'd carried forward. It was complicated. My father sobered up when I was 12, and any impact on my psyche from his disease was subtle, related more to what felt missing in the emotional department than anything specifically done, and certainly not about anything done to me. Because he had passed, about 5 years earlier, I was able to deal with the emotions around our history on a piecemeal basis - some therapy here, some inventory there, another go-round a year or two later. But my mom was right here, interacting with me on a weekly, if not daily basis. For a brief period, she became the enemy. Why hadn't she....?  Why didn't she....?  Didn't she realize....?  

With the guidance of a strong sponsor, well-versed in adult-child issues, I came to see that I was looking for a combination of Betty Crocker and my therapist. I wanted mom to understand me, read my mind. It was me, me, me - which is probably a stage of early recovery. But I recall being in an AA meeting, a few years in, hearing a woman in her 50's complain about her mother - they hadn't talked for months, she hated the idea of seeing her, etc. Hearing that long festering resentment, my still, small voice whispered, "I don't want to be angry forever." So, I made the conscious decision to initiate the difficult conversation when the subject of dad's drinking years came up. Was it perfect? No, but I did the best I could at the time. Part of my growing up was coming to understand that she (or anyone) couldn't know what I was feeling unless I told them. What a concept, and still sometimes a challenge.

Mom and I had many years of a solid and loving relationship as I allowed her to be human, learning  to talk with her (not at her), and to really listen when she spoke. I went in to Alanon for my addict lover and ended up healing the relationship with my mom - not what I'd anticipated. Once again, I'm grateful that my recovery hasn't been limited by what I thought I needed.

For those who died before I had the spiritual bandwidth to even consider amends and forgiveness, the healing has taken place when what I know with my intellect moves those excruciating 12 inches into my heart. I can help that process along with inventory and writing letters to burn, for example, but the shift comes when I finally let go of my need to control the uncontrollable. I wish I understood that mysterious process, but all I can really do is make myself ready to be changed. 

I'd always heard that the road gets narrower in long term recovery. At first that bothered me - I'd hoped for easier and smoother, not a narrow little alley. But I've come to understand that it means I know my parameters today. I can see the path rather than stumbling around in the dark. My gut guides me today, with a heavy dose of the 12 Steps. It really is a road of happy destiny.

How has your relationship to yourself impacted your relationships with others - those people you are close to or those you interact with in the world? If there is unfinished business, how might you use Steps 8 & 9 to move forward?

“I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information.