It is September, a time for focus on Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

As the Step specifies, sometimes the best amends I can make is to simply leave the person alone. I'm thinking of someone I was determined to do my duty to, despite their ignoring several attempts at contact. When I saw them walking on the street near where I worked at the time, my first instinct was to march on over and force my amends, brandishing the 12 Steps like a sword. With a breath, my better nature kicked in as I realized that if they'd wanted to talk with me, they surely would've responded to my efforts, so I kept walking. Truthfully, I was still holding on to anger for their faults, so any amends would not have been genuine. That was over 30 years ago, and we've never crossed paths since, but in this past year, they showed up in a dream. I was happy to see them and we talked like old friends. I can trust that if we are supposed to meet, it will happen, and know that today, any rancor from the past is gone. Time does heal.  A similar situation came up recently with a relationship I'd constructed all sorts of stories around, along the lines of "But what did I do wrong?" and "Why won't they.....?"  I ran in to them, said hello and got a friendly greeting back, and decided in the moment that I didn't need to dredge up what I'd been stewing on. Sometimes, keeping my mouth shut is the best course. I have several trusted others to  process any given situation with and don't necessarily need to expose my vulnerability with those who don't speak the language of recovery. Long term sobriety has come with the gift of discernment. 

On another note entirely, we just spent three nights out of town, coming home a day early due to the wildfire smoke. I often use, "We're on vacation!" as an excuse to eat with abandon those things that are normally on my "Do not..." list (sugar, processed foods, MORE of everything). While I do feel better when eating clean, I can get to a place of deprivation, a place of being sick and tired of watching what I put in my mouth. Long story short, I overdid, and paid for it with an upset stomach that lasted a couple of days. How alcoholic is that? "It will be different this time!" Ha! Rarely. Even with years of sobriety, I don't have a "moderate" switch. I know that about myself, yet still sometimes say, "F-it!" because the allure of "fun" lurks just below the surface of rational thought. I suppose it's a gift that my slips are limited to a few days of eating nachos and ice cream - I have absolutely no illusions that I could drink or use drugs "normally" (if that's even a thing). In any event, stomach settled and back to my more usual routine of healthy, whole foods. 

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Opinion Alert: As I sequester in my home to avoid the worst air quality in the world, I find myself hoping that this year will be a "hindsight is 20/20" moment where we humans get our collective heads out of our butts and wake up. I was in a meeting the other day where one of the members was weeping with sadness over the isolation, the animals killed in the fires, the inability to go outside, the inability to do the next right thing because who knows what's next? It's not just one thing after another, it is one thing on top of another, then another, then another. I can be more than grateful for my(relative) safety and security and heartbroken for the devastation here with the fires, and in the south with the hurricanes. My cats and I are a little stir crazy indoors, and I am grateful for an indoors to be in. 

This truly is where acceptance comes in to play. We can argue all day about what contributed to the fires, or the high covid numbers, or systemic racism, or poverty, or all the other things we Americans argue about these days, but the fact is, here we are. I don't like surrendering to what makes me angry or causes great sadness, but without acceptance of what is, my feelings are just that - feelings, which are only productive if they lead me to an insight and then ideally to an action. "Ain't it awful" does little to move me, or the world, forward. By myself, I am powerless over so much, but I do believe in the collective power of the good. It is a fine line between anger that simply simmers, and anger that nudges me towards a loving and helpful action. The volume of need can be overwhelming, which in itself is a sign of my privilege. I don't know the answer to that, other than paying attention to where my heart is stirred and act accordingly.

How do you recognize when you are falling off your self-care agenda, and how do you get yourself back on the beam? What is the status of your support network, as in, when is the last time you talked with someone outside your immediate family or household? (and texting doesn't really count). How do you reconcile the concept of acceptance when much of what is happening in the world can feel unacceptable? How can you turn frustrations into action, small or large,  in order to avoid the hamster wheel of negativity?  

Thank you for reading... Take care of yourself.

“I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information.