After mentioning my runny nose last week, I did not expect to be telling you I tested positive for Covid 19. I was shocked, pissed off, annoyed, concerned for those I might've exposed, and grateful that, being vaccinated, I only experienced mild symptoms - much like a head cold with a fever one day only. Could I have prevented this? Hard to say. I've been unmasked around other vaccinated people, mainly outdoors; I've worn my mask all along in stores, offices, etc., and as a friend pointed out, "This is the world we're in."
Of course, there has been a fair amount of self-flagellation. Have I been as diligent with handwashing in July-August 2021 as I was in March-April 2020? No. Have I wiped down surfaces at home, or washed clothes as soon as I came in from being around other humans? Not so much. Did I underestimate my symptoms in thinking I was reacting to wildfire smoke? Maybe. I did contact my medical provider with the presumed allergy, and then again when I realized I had a fever. I've gotten ahold of everyone I've been in contact with for the past several weeks. My spouse, and several friends have already tested negative. I can hang on to the guilt, or can drop that rock and concentrate on getting back to 100% (while washing my hands and disinfecting surfaces).
I will say I've struggled with powerlessness through this period of uncertainty. Actually, what I've struggled with is accepting my powerlessness. Truth is, I don't have any control over microbes flying through the air, or whether some people still choose not to get vaccinated. As another friend (who's parked car was just totaled) pointed out, "Shit happens and we get through it." Indeed. So when I tell sponsees and others to Trust the Process, do I really mean it? Can I trust, while checking my email for test results every eight minutes? It is said that fear and faith can't co-exist, but I'm telling you, I did a whole lot of vacillating between, "Oh no, I'm gonna die," and "Eh - I'll be fine!"
What does it mean, when the rubber hits the road, to accept "life on life's terms?" Is it life on life's terms that long term local member Chris J succumbed to her battle with ALS? Is it the unfathomable support and care that her wife, daughter, and good friends gave to her, night and day? Is life on life's terms helping a fellow member move, or wearing a mask indoors so as not to infect my spouse, even though it's sort of uncomfortable? Is it showing up for the newcomer, on zoom or at the spacious mall? Or going for a walk up a steep hill with a friend who wants the company? Maybe it is picking up the phone, or sending that long neglected email. Maybe it is as simple as practicing acceptance (simple, not easy).
Maybe "life on life's terms," means the gloriously cool mornings we've had here recently, or the sweet hugs we shared with my husband's folks last week. I tend to equate "life on life's terms" with the hard stuff, but maybe it is the beauty of life and our connections as well.
At the beginning, "life on life's terms" meant getting through each day without a drink, a pill or a needle in the arm. It meant learning to sit still when my toxic brain called out for some sort of fix. As time goes on, life on life's terms comes to mean walking through loved one's illnesses and deaths, job changes, natural disasters, pandemics (etc etc etc). I think, in these days of long term recovery, it simply means suiting up and showing up, as best as I can, making sure that I pause to notice what is right along with what I perceive as wrong.
I got to go back into prison today for a farewell party - the person who replaced me last year has accepted another position. It felt good to walk the familiar halls and see old acquaintances, and it felt good when the gate clanged behind me on the way out. Many years ago I was told that the only thing constant is change. I didn't want to hear it then, and often hesitate when I'm reminded today. But if nothing changed, I'd still be in my locked bathroom with a belt tied around my arm. I'd still be looking for love in all the wrong places, or believing the negative messages my brain still sometimes sends out. Change is good. Change is bad. Change simply is.... and the beat goes on.
Where are you challenged to trust the process? What is a current "life on life's terms" that is troubling you? How about a "life on life's terms" that you are grateful for? Is there a change in your circumstances that has you either excited or concerned (or both)?
Don't take your health for granted, people. Life is precious. Be kind, to yourself and to others.
No comments:
Post a Comment