Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Step Eight - the ongoing process of amending behaviors.

A friend, who read last week's post, expressed surprise at how easily I admitted, not only stealing (in 5th grade) but still possessing said item, suggesting that this week's entry could be titled, "When the 9th Step Does Not Apply." 

I had a literal "laugh out loud" moment reading the text, because that had never occurred to me. Well, it never occurred to me in the last 20 years or so. Possession is 9/10's of the law? Statute of Limitations? I do recall writing an amends letter to the school library many years ago, enclosing cash, for the two books I'd taken. I did the same to the church a group of us young hooligans broke in to, stealing small items from the office (a letter opener was my loot). I'm beginning to think I should've kept a list of those early amends - memory tends to fail by this point. I know I did all the big ones right away (mom, boyfriend) and the next tier within the first five years. Some took longer - a lot longer in one particular case, where it was thirty years before I took responsibility for my actions nearly 50 years prior. "More will be revealed" has very definitely applied to my amends process, being of the "Ain't it grand? The wind stopped blowing" mindset. Yes, it was absolutely grand that the tornado of alcoholic behavior had ceased, and sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, I came to understand how that tornado impacted others. 

In thinking about Step 8 during the month of August, I've been focused on the 12x12 (p. 77) where we are instructed to "repair the damage we have done," then, having "cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how...we may develop the best possible relations with" everyone we know. Bill goes on to say that this is a task we get better at, "but never really finish."  I needed to read that this year. Sometimes I think of Step 8 (and 9) in a box - I did my 4th Step, made the list, and move on. But this little section reminds me that I'm likely to continue stepping on the toes of others, as well as myself. I'm probably always going to have flare-ups of impulsively blurting out what's on my mind, damn the consequences, saying "yes" when I mean "no," or simply not thinking before acting.  And... the Steps are a design for living, here and now, not merely a template for cleaning up the past. 

A fellow member recently pointed out that my expectations can become a higher power of sorts, when I start to think that my happiness is contingent on some person, place or thing. Obviously, this doesn't always apply - those desperate souls in Afghanistan aren't likely to be able to implement the "attitude of gratitude" we so blithely speak of while in the  midst of a real crisis. However, in my very privileged circumstances, I know that if I'm unhappy now, a different outfit, a new job or relationship, etc etc etc will not relieve me of the bondage of self - the small-s self that suffers the illusion of control.

I'm trying to control a stuffy nose this week. I think, and the "e-doctor" (such a thing, these days!) agrees, that it is most likely an allergic reaction to wildfire smoke in the skies over the weekend, and a very dusty house project (I either need to wear a mask when I clean, or perhaps do it a bit more often!). I am willing it to go away, as I harbor secret fears of the virus. I will do what the doctor suggested (imagine that) and get back in touch if the symptoms don't resolve themselves. But what a world we're in, when every sneeze conjures fears of death.  

Where are you with Step 8 this month (or, what other Step is your focus)? How are you going with the flow, as various communities re-address the Covid virus? How do you take a step back from the apparent craziness of the world to find your place of serenity?

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