Experience, strength and hope, ODAT

 I've been thinking about the healing journey, the "road of happy destiny" that began when I entered treatment, and then AA/Alanon, so many years ago. The whole recovery/discovery thing was confusing at first, when it felt like I needed to think HARD about every decision, holding it up to the measuring stick of self-will and old behaviors vs healthy choices (which felt odd at the time). 

And then, over time, the new way of thinking became simply my way of thinking. One day I realized I hadn't thought about getting high for a few weeks, where that hyper-awareness ("I'm not using today") been a daily companion for so long. Then another day, years later, I realized I hadn't worried about my job, about feeling like an imposter, for several months.  As time went on, I noticed that I hadn't imagined a worst-case-scenario for my relationship (whichever it happened to be) in quite some time, and that the old "what if?!?" fantasy didn't have the same hold. I can't will myself to change, or I would've done so a long time ago. All I can really do is practice the Steps to the best of my ability on any given day. I can worry, or I can trust, and some days/months/years, it's easier to worry. But if I'm truly willing to pay attention to my thinking and catch the old ideas before they turn into behaviors, my attitude, hence my life, changes.

A speaker I heard recently described it in a way that made sense to me. If I'm conscious of Step 10, acknowledging behaviors/attitudes/thought patterns that don't serve me, I'm back at Steps 6 and 7 where I focus on "building on my strengths while releasing my personal shortcomings" (from The Alternative 12 Steps). This takes me back to Step 2, believing that I can be restored to balance (sanity) by utilizing my spiritual resources. Always, it's about taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions while getting out of the way. As I've heard, I'm not responsible for my first thought, but I am responsible for my second. Where will I steer my emotional energy? And if I am able to stop obsessive thinking, ruminating, trying to figure it out, my "problems" have a way of losing steam. 

A handful of my friends are struggling with work. Very real, individual issues, and, these are crazy times for all of us. I tell myself I've done just fine, thank you, with the pandemic, and then am nearly in tears picking up a book off the shelf at the newly opened library, just like in the before-times. I can only imagine that if I'm feeling the subtle tremor of stress and overwhelm, the rest of the world is too, with nearly every industry dealing with staff shortages, which puts a strain on those who do show up each day. 

As far as my friends go, all I can really do is share my experience, strength and hope. I can tell them that when I'm stressed, I go back to basics: Am I getting enough sleep? Have I had enough (healthy food) to eat?  Am I talking with a trusted other? Am I journaling/writing/working a Step? I can share what works for me, but it isn't helpful to then come back with, "Did you take a walk today?" or "Have you called HR?" etc. When I feel myself taking on others' energy, I can practice the very skills I'm suggesting for them. Thank you Alanon!

And here we are in August. August, 2021 to be exact. August, 2021, Land of Limbo, of in-between, of we're-in-a-healthier-place, but not quite, so keep your mask handy. Talk about a cosmic lesson in "Go with the flow," suiting up and showing up for whatever this day may bring.

What concerns that may have been companions earlier in recovery don't trouble you today? How does detachment play out in your life? Are you able to offer support and encouragement to friends or loved ones and then let go of what you think should happen next? And what about the Steps? With long term sobriety, the principles of the Steps become an almost automatic response to life on life's terms. Where has this been evident for you lately?

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** Heading towards autumn could be a good time for a mid-year check up. See the 11/17/20 blog entry for an excerpt from I'VE BEEN SOBER A LONG TIME - NOW WHAT?, a 78 page workbook on the joys and challenges of long term 12 Step recovery. Go to the WEB VERSION of this page at www.soberlongtime.com to peruse past entries, and to order the workbook via a link at the top right of the page. Thanks for your support!