The other day I sat in on an online presentation about Motown, its founding, artists and songs - the soundtrack of my life. Besides sadness that the AA International in Detroit was cancelled last year due to covid, I was upset at missing the chance to visit Hitsville, USA, though a planned family visit may put us in the vicinity next year.
I didn't hear too much I didn't already know in the lecture but was upset by the moderator's description of one of the artists, who died young from an overdose, as being "unable to control himself when it came to his vices." I will email my feedback. In 2021, we're still talking about addiction as a vice, an inability to control oneself? Please. It makes me think of the physician who, twenty years ago, suggested I use my "common sense," with a Vicodin prescription when I told him that as a person in recovery, I didn't need thirty pills. Please. Wake up, people. How long will we have to fight the "addiction is a disease" battle?
There is still much misconception regarding alcoholism and addiction. "If a mere code of moral values," the pleading of family, or our ability to control ourselves were enough, AA wouldn't need to exist, nor would treatment programs or drug courts. There is a certain amount of will power involved ("the proper use of the will") once I am abstinent, to get to meetings for example, but in the thick of it, I could no more have thought myself out of going to the dealer's house than I could've stopped the sun from coming up (though I self-centeredly wondered how it still could shine, with my life in such shambles). Today, I can educate, and break my anonymity as a person in long-term recovery, when called for.
I attended my monthly Step group this past weekend, reinspired (1st in person since March 2020). As often happens, just when I think I've wrung all the juice I can possibly get from the Steps, I hear something that triggers an insight, or am reminded of the miracle working in others' lives. The beauty of the Steps, our program for living, is that it isn't one-dimensional. Sometimes I do hover at the level of plug-in-the-jug, but when I'm paying attention, I have the opportunity to go deeper, to hear the still, small voice of wisdom, whether that is from my own inner knowing or what I hear in the voices of others.
This is the time of year to reflect on how I might have changed over the preceding 12 months, and what I look forward to. Yes, dates are arbitrary markers, and, I like the symmetry of 1/1 as a possible jumping off point. Not for often-failed new year's resolutions, but as a time to consciously re-center.
I've collected different questions over the years that help jump start my process, which can include writing what I want to release on slips of paper, then burning them, smudging, or lighting candles while I write. I do my best to let this be a heart experience rather than from my top three inches (brain). A processing question I ran across in a recent article stopped me cold - "Who are you jealous of?" I read that as, not just envious of someone's superficial characteristics (though that was my focus for too long), but as a pointer towards how I'd like to be in the world. If I'm jealous of someone's accomplishments, what is it that I would like to do but have been afraid to try? Other areas to ponder include: What do I want more of in my life? How have I contributed this year, and what might that look like going forward? What do I want to learn? What do I want to practice? What do I want to complete/end/release? What do I want to experience?
The idea, for me, is to take time during the seasonal darkness (or perhaps the longest days for those of you in the southern part of the world) to get still - not just quiet, but that inner stillness that allows my true desires to make themselves known. What I "hear" isn't always earth shattering, like it might've been in earlier recovery, but I sometimes get a nudge that leads me to the next right thing. As I am frequently reminded, I only need to know what I need to know today.
I am grateful that the power of the "we" continues to show up in my life. Last week I was beside myself with agitation over an internet outage. As luck, or the fates, would have it, I ended up with one planned and two unplanned sponsee contacts that day, so instead of tearing my hair out over something I had little control over, I was able to be of service, even when that simply meant answering the phone. Funny how focusing on someone or something else for even a few moments can put my problems in their true perspective.
Which of the Steps are speaking to you today? If you do a year-end review, what are the areas that seem to want your attention? How do you step outside yourself when tangled up in your own thoughts?
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Just in time for the holidays, or your year-end inventory, consider my workbook, "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" covering such topics as Aging, Sponsorship, Relationships, and Grief & Loss with a narrative, a member's view, and processing questions, with space for writing. Perfect for sharing with a sponsor, trusted other, or in a small group.
If you're not seeing the links in the upper right corner of this post, you can go to the WEB VERSION to sign up for weekly email deliveries, or to purchase the workbook. See below to connect (2 options - look for in small print Web Version at the bottom of the page and click):
(you can shoot me an email at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions about the workbook or how to purchase)
Sober Long Time - Now What? (longtermrecovery.blogspot.com)
http://soberlongtime.com/
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