Choices

 Last week, I heard a member refer to being in "fit spiritual condition" as directly related to the HALTS. That seems obvious, but I'll admit that it gave me pause. I tend to think of my spiritual condition, fit or otherwise, in more ethereal terms, of the cosmos, woo-woo on my knees or dancing in the woods. That is definitely part of it, but all my howling at the moon is for naught if I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired (especially tired, or hungry for healthy food, in my case). I need to take care of my physical self for my emotional and spiritual self to thrive. One day at a time, one choice at a time.

I had occasion over the weekend to visit a big casino in California - big as in huge, with flashing lights, pulsing music at high decibels, row after row after row of people attached to slot machines, with looks of excitement or dread on their faces, and those with the blank expression of zombies. I found it disturbing, this personification of addiction, imagining my inner-meth freak bouncing off the walls in my mind, not to mention those with compulsive gambling disorders being triggered and re-triggered by the setting (and isn't it interesting that in most states, it is gambling revenue that pays for gambling disorder treatment?). I'm rarely in casinos, or in bars where folks are drunk and disorderly, so it's always a good reminder of what it was like, and what it could be were I not living a 12 Step life. There is nothing alluring about drinking, drugging, gambling, spending or the rest of it. Today, I prefer reality, even it isn't quite as shiny as TV ads or casino lights tell me it ought to be.

It is July (already1) which means a focus on Step 7. I don't believe that a deity will magically pluck any less-than-steller characteristics from me, but I do believe that if I come at my days with a sense of humility and right-sized-ness, I have a better chance of recognizing where I'm bumping up against someone else's characteristics or slamming my head against the wall(s) of people, places and things in the greater world. Step 7, to me, means that if I aim for an open mind, I gain awareness of what's mine to deal with, what's yours, and what to simply leave alone. My task is to pay attention, and, follow what my sponsor suggested: PAUSE, which stands for Postpone All Unnecessary Self Expression. As another friend once said, "I'll have lots of emotions during the day - I just don't need to attach a sentence to every one!"

After receiving notice that my professional credentials are set to expire in October, I sent the board a note advising that, after my 30-year career and two years of retirement (with that 90-day detour) I've decided not to renew my addictions counseling certificate. I was first certified in 1989, dutifully attending continuing education classes over the years to stay current, along with earning my degrees. While I'd made up my mind a couple of months ago, today felt final. No regrets. A chapter closed. 

Sometimes the past feels like a dream and sometimes memories are as vivid as yesterday. I used to regret the past and wish to shut the door on it. Are there particular episodes and choices I'd like to do-over? Sure. But truthfully, I might not have learned the lessons I needed had it been smooth sailing all along. Today I can be grateful for the choppy seas as well as times I've floated along on the river of life. I'm not much of a swimmer, but I do know how to keep my head above water these days.

How do you manage your HALTS? Are you able to practice self-care before you get to a breaking point? What is one way you can nurture yourself today? How do you practice Step 7?

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See the Feb 4 post for a sample of the 78-page workbook, "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" available as hard copy (mailed) or PDF (emailed - ideal for those outside the U.S.). Portland Area Intergroup also has a supply available at 825 NE 20th Ave, suite 200.  Go to the WEB VERSION of this page, if you don't see the purchase link in the upper right corner