While at my mom's one remaining cousin's place for lunch last week, the phone rang. From my end, the guy sounded like a scammer - my cousin confirmed that the person wanted to send her money. At 93-years-old, she has some memory issues, but recognized that the person on the phone was some sort of shark. My mom got a similar call years ago, again when I happened to be there. That time, I grabbed the phone and told the person to hang up and never call again. There is a special place in hell for those who'd take advantage of the elderly, that generation raised to be polite and let a stranger have their say.
I did let Betty's daughter know about the call, but what is a person to do? What is a person, a recovering person, to do to protect their elders, or their kids? How do you ensure that your child won't drink too much and get behind the wheel, or that your mom or grandma won't be taken advantage of? The obvious answer is, you can't. Something I learned years ago, while still involved with the boyfriend addicted to heroin, is that, short of locking them in a room and throwing away the key, I cannot save, protect, or shelter my loved ones (or anyone else for that matter). I can make a suggestion, or offer support, but I need to be very careful to listen for the question - did they ask for my help, whether related to life decisions or driving directions??
And.. it can be scary and painful to know I can't keep my loved ones safe - from illness, from traffic mishaps, from poor choices. What I learn in Alanon is to take care of myself, to address my own anxiety without letting it spill onto another person. What am I afraid of? Loss? Danger? That I can't handle how what happens to you will impact me? The unknown? All of the above? My primary purpose is to see to my own peace of mind. When I am centered and in a place of trust, I can better let go of what I think is best for you.
What I do know is that it is fairly easy for me to let go of what strangers and acquaintances do or don't. All those years working in treatment taught me that I am not in control of another person's process. However... the closer a person is to me, the harder it is to remember it is not my job to fix, save, advise, or soften the blow(s) of life for anyone other than myself, and I can't even fix me (or I would've done it years ago!). Trust the process, even when (especially when) I can't see into the future.
I'm thinking specifically of my ex this time of year, as the 4th anniversary of his death approaches. We were back in contact after his wife died unexpectedly, about a year prior to his passing. He didn't handle it well, left with 4 teenagers, and each time he phoned, it was obvious he was drinking. I suggested a grief group, or counseling that was so helpful to me when Mom died. He replied, "Johnnie Walker is my counselor," and I didn't bring it up again. The irony was not lost on me that while I was running a half marathon in early December, 2018, the man who put me through treatment and helped me get on my feet when newly sober, was dying of alcoholism in a hospital in Miami. I am learning (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) to make a suggestion once, and once only, but man oh man did I want to somehow force him to get professional help. Death that seems to come before its time is always painful, but especially so when it was probably avoidable via a change in habits. I say that having lost both parents, 2 grandparents, an uncle and my first husband to tobacco related illness, and a cousin and ex from the drink. I was so mad at my mom for not quitting smoking after Dad died, like I did, and, she was her own person on her own path, no matter how much I may have disagreed.
Today, I can focus on gratitude for all the ways my life is richer for having known my ex, including the pivotal phone conversation in 2009 that closed a door and opened the one that cosmically resulted in meeting my husband just a few weeks later (I couldn't very well be open to love if I unconsciously held on to the idea that I'd blown my one chance by age 30). I sometimes wonder how life would've turned out if I'd gotten what I thought I needed all those years ago. It took over a decade to understand that I likely couldn't have stayed sober in that relationship. Experience continues to teach me that the jobs, friendships, romantic relationships - the lot of it - have been exactly what was supposed to happen at the time. Not in a "god" pulling strings way, but "If things were supposed to be any other way, they'd be different." And hallelujah for how they are today.
Where do you find yourself wanting to control another person's trajectory, whether life choices or how they interact with you? How can you remind yourself that you are not their higher power? What does that kind of powerlessness feel like? Frustration? Relief? How do you take care of your own emotional needs before trying to influence another?
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This could be time to plan a holiday gift for a sponsor or sponsee, or to think about a year end/new year stock-taking. See the Feb 4 entry for a sample of the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. Available in PDF format for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy mailed to you. Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th
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