Lessons and opportunities

 I shared at an in-person speaker meeting this weekend. I tell myself I won't be the best but also probably not the worst...  It was good to gather for a good old-fashioned spaghetti feed fund raiser for the District, and to share laughter and love in community.

I don't formally speak very often, but as I think about my story, I find myself in a bit of melancholy about the people whose stories intersected with mine - most of whom are gone now: my first husband from lung cancer, the important boyfriend who followed, from the effects of his alcoholism, the meth cook lover from a heroin overdose. Good people, all.

This past week, I took advantage of my healthcare provider's offer to meet with a cancer counselor (online). I had a sense of relief in talking about the whole of my experience thus far with a neutral party. I must admit to a bit of skepticism, however. I worked in the behavioral health field for a long time, so can sometimes recognize a professional's approach to therapy, which can be a little distracting. I do my best to stay in the moment, present to my emotions rather than a detached clinical eye. In retrospect, I did notice a sense of spiritual arrogance, as in, "What can he teach me, me with 37 years sober and 30 years working in the field?" Oy vey - such an ego. But, I was able to release the judgement and relax into the conversation, and did learn a thing or two about self-compassion, including a brief exercise to utilize when I metaphorically shake a finger of chastisement at myself. As I heard, and as I hear in meetings, how would I treat a friend in similar circumstances? Gently, and with care.

So, can I set aside everything I think I know about cancer, about my health, about my "knowledge" so that I can have a new experience? Can I drop the rock of certainty and live, at least for moments at a time, in the mystery?  I do NOT believe in a diety, pulling puppet strings, and I do believe that there are lessons and opportunities to grow in all situations, even (especially?) those that sting.

Speaking of similar circumstances, I now know two women who are a step and a half behind me in the breast cancer journey, and at the speaker meeting, met three who are well past their cancer-free declaration. Thank goodness for early detection, and for seeing how our experience can benefit others, no matter the scenario. I keep hearing that in a few months, or a year, this will be in the rearview mirror, something I walked through. Being still in the mire, I find that image reassuring. And, if I apply my own past experiences, whether job loss, relationships ending, loved ones dying, the acute agony, fear and uncertainty passes. The feelings don't evaporate, but over time, they mellow and simply become part of my history. 

I am feeling more like myself this week after the past few months of fear battling with trust, after getting two pieces of good news (margins were clear on the tumor removed during surgery, and a PET scan indicated no other signs of cancer elsewhere in my body). Radiation to follow, but probably not chemo. I am feeling that the crisis of uncertainty is passing, so the low-level energy drain has given way to my more usual sense of optimism. One day at a time, of course, and... today is good.

Thank you to all the readers who've reached out with encouragement and sharing your own health journey. We do together what we cannot do alone. 

How do you sit still when all you can really do is wait? Are there places you can utilize the "Set Aside" prayer?  (please let me set aside everything I think I know about _________ so that I can have a new experience)

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See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample of the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. Available in PDF format for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy mailed to you. Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions.  You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th